The Yellow Legal Pad New Years Resolutions

Warning: Mention of Self Loathing

“This year will be different,” Jessica said to herself.  She sat on a stool at the kitchen island.  She twirled a lock of her blond hair with her right hand and a blue ballpoint pen in her left hand.  A yellow legal pad sat before her..  She was a lefty which meant avoiding spiral bound notebooks at all costs.  

She tapped the pen on the pad a few times before writing at the top of the page in capital letters:

MY 2023 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1. Go to the gym every morning before work.

She looked at this statement and thought better of it:

1.Go to the gym every morning before work day after work.

She gave a single nod in approval and continued.

2. Don’t eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby every night before bed.

Jessica liked that one.  That was one she could do…. Most of the time. 

2. Don’t eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby every most nights before bed.

She squeezed the ‘s’ in there and wrote ‘most’ above every.  That’s okay, she was likely going to need to rewrite this anyways before posting it on her bathroom mirror.

She kicked the backside of the kitchen counter as if it was a bass drum and looked up at the round blue pendant light above her.  What else did she want to improve?

3. I won’t call Brandon at 3am anymore. 

Another one she could stick to.  This year was going to be easy.  She had this year by the horns.  Last year only lasted until January 4th, but this year...  This year will be different for Jessica.

4. I won’t have sex with random men from Tender on the first date.

That was a good one.  The last guy she brought home would not stop talking about how superior men were to women.  That woman have smaller brains and that makes them emotional.  She shut him up with her vagina.  Probably not the best reaction to a chauvinist hog.  He didn’t respond to her texts the next day.  Or the day after that.  Or the day after that. 

She had written resolutions to improve her body.  She had written resolutions to improve her love life. Now what about improving her career?

Jessica didn’t have a career per se. Jessica worked as a bank teller.  She had been there for ten years.  In the same position.  She liked the idea of a promotion.  But it also frightened her.  She liked her job as it was.  She could easily do it for another twenty years.  It was easy and she knew how to do it.  Sure, she wasn’t rich, but money was not everything.  

She picked up her pen and wrote:

5.I won’t eat any more food from the break room that has someone else’s name on it.

That one was kind of related to body improvement too, but it also fit in the work category.  Work resolutions: completed!

Family.  She needed to think about family.  It had been four years since she talked to anyone in her family except for her brother.  There was an incident, but it wasn’t her fault.   

She may or may not have knocked over Aunt Millie to be first in line for the Thanksgiving buffet four years and a little over a month ago.  Aunt Millie may have broken her hip and had to be taken away in an ambulance.  A pair of paramedics and the rest of the family tried to figure out how to get Aunt Millie onto the stretcher leaving Jessica alone at the table with her turkey and mashed potatoes.  There was no one at the table to hear that she was thankful for her pet rock.

Soon after that her parents stopped taking her calls.  Her sister would not text her back.  And Aunt Millie got a restraining order on her.  Needless to say, Jessica was not invited to Christmas dinner that year.

6. Talk to my mom and dad again.

This resolution was not going to be an easy one and she was determined to complete all her resolutions this year.  The year of 2023 was a year of accomplishment.  Not a year of defeat like 2022. 

6. Talk to my mom and dad again.  Send a heartfelt letter to all my family members who won’t talk to me.

A single tear dropped from her eye and landed on the word “sex” from number four.  What did it matter?  She was going to need to rewrite this anyway before posting it on her bathroom mirror.

Moving on.  She straightened her posture.  Stretched her arms in front of her and bit her lower lip. Friends:

6. Get friends.

Moving on. 

7. Get a hobby.

7. Get a hobby other than make soap carvings of iconic people throughout history.

She looked at the shelf behind her.  She had soap Elvis.  She had soap Martin Luther King Jr.  She had soap Shakespear.  She had soap Abraham Lincoln.  She was quite proud of herself.

7. Get a hobby other than soap carvings of iconic people throughout history.

She tried again:

7.  Make a new soap carving every month.

What else did she want to improve this year?

8. Leave Bakersfield.

It had been years since she saw the front side of the yellow “Bakersfield” sign.

She looked around the room, looking for inspiration for the next item.  Her eye caught the sink.

9. Wash the dishes every day.

9. Wash the dishes every day.  Clean the house every day. 

This felt too ambitious. 

9. Wash the dishes every day.  Clean the house every day. Don’t leave a wet towel on the bed.

10. Act my age.

She looked down at her rainbow socks. Jessica was almost thirty. 

10. Act my age mentally.

11. Take vitamins. 

12. Say only positive things on Twitter.

12. Say only something positive things on Twitter.

13. Go to a beauty salon for a haircut.

14. Bathe at least once a week.

15. Learn how to Moonwalk.

16. Learn how to make Kraft Mac and Cheese from the box.

17. Give up alcohol.

18. Take a selfie and don’t heavily filter it before putting it on Instagram.

Jessica looked down at her list.  She felt pathetic.  Was this really what she aspired to be?  She ripped out the yellow paper from the pad, crumpled it up and threw it onto the floor.  She turned the pad sideways so that the top was to the right, she didn’t want the seam to get in the way of her writing.  And she wrote in big block letters:

LOVE MYSELF!