Denial

DENIAL

“Once we can no longer feel ourselves within our grief, like a computer, we try to revert back to our last most efficient operating point”

Tick Tock

I craned my neck upwards, to steal a quick glance. 

Tick Tock

5 minutes remaining.

I sped up

Tick Tock

The ticking echoing in my ear. I increased my pace further.

Tick Tock

I snuck another quick glance. 2 minutes remaining.

Beads of sweat formed at the base of my hairline, trickling down my temple. My body had reached its limits, leaving the adrenaline caused by the pressure being the last driving force through the pain.

Drip drip

A warm feeling trailing down my nose. Took a detour and wiped it. Red.

I wiped it away and continued. 

Tick Tock

The final stretch. I persisted.

Tick To-

“Done” I whispered as I lifted my pen from the paper. I heaved dryly through my nose as some relief finally filled me. I’d finished it. I silently stared at the front of the paper. 

How much had it been? 3 nights without sleep? 4? How many months of painful cramming had it been? But it’s over now. I could finally rest. 

Riiiinggggg

I flinched. A cold voice resounded across the entire hall. 

“Time is up. Pens down and wait till your paper has been collected to leave”

A series of cries filled the once dead silent hall, some of joy, others of despair. But one thing all had felt was relief. 

A pain like no other had accumulated at my temple, as though a knife was plunged into the deepest parts of my brain. But despite that I smiled. I did it. I will be the top scorer after this exam. It was only natural.

The years of prep for this very moment would gift to me my deserving title, I thought to myself as I walked home. 

I quietly let myself in, closing the door and locking it behind me.The initial view of the house was bland. No uniqueness, only a single door, leading to a single room. I sat down and removed my shoes slowly, in habit and memory. The soles were severely damaged, requiring a gentle touch when removing it. 

After placing them neatly in the corner, I headed in the direction of my room. The initial impression of the room once entered is clear, it belongs to a number 1 student. With numerous textbooks, writing books and practice papers with frayed edges and withered paper , a testament to the years of abuse they had suffered. Hung on the wall was a framed photo, occupying it was an attractive couple, in their youth, their joy and glee evident from their expressions.

While walking over the bundles of stacks of assorted study materials, a sense of pride washed over me, knowing it had all paid off. As I approached the bed, a simple gold plaque was left laid there, its once shiny oak now decayed and withered with time yet still sturdy enough to hold. Simple plain text lay there with the name. 

“Top Scorer”

My body finally collapsed on the bed as my consciousness drifted into sleep while embracing the plaque, vindication filling my dreams.

******

I sprinted across campus to the crowd that had formed around the bulletin board.

It was results day.

Tick Tock 

I could feel the drumming of my heart in my ears as I ran, I heaved as I quickly lost breath but kept moving. A sharp pain began to throb from my abdomen but I ignored it, Only one thing was on my mind.

Tick Tock

I reached the crowd.

Tick Tock

I pushed aside everyone else. They didn’t matter. They’d go on with their mediocre lives. They weren’t worthy of anything more. Only I was. I was going to be number 1.

Tick Tock

I finally reached the front of the crowd and craned my neck to the top to see my name in its rightful place.

Tick To-

5 minutes remaining.

I sped up

Tick Tock

The ticking echoing in my ear. I increased my pace further.

Voices began to resound in my ear as I wrote. 

“.....-AN’T WRITE ON THE WALLS”. 

I ignored it, don’t have time, need to focus. The voices started to speak again. Louder this time.

A high pitch buzzing resounds as the voices get louder an-

Tick Tock

5 minutes remaining.

I sped up

Voices began to fill my ears.

“....-ou failure”

Tick Tock

My vision blurred, a sobbing girl being embraced by a male, his expressions contorted in anger and his mouth wide open as though he were screaming at me. Something else caught my attention, letters… characters were covering the walls and the floor. Even running up the girls' bruised arms up to her face were strange characters that were blurred out. I focused on them, trying to bring them into clarity and realized what they were. 

The Exam answers.

Tick Tock

5 minutes remaining.

I sped up.

My arms stopped moving. I need to write. 

Tick Tock

I used all my strength to try and move my arms forward. It was as though they were being restrained by something. Or someone.

Voices began to drone in my ear as my vision blurred

“....fraud”

“.....-Mediocre”

A crowd of people surrounded me. Their bodies are covered in weird characters. My eyes began to focus more clearly on them.

I grabbed my ears and held them tight. The noises wouldn’t stop. Sirens. Blaring.

It hurts.

 It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. 

Red light. Red Lights. Red Lights. Red. Red. Red.

Tick Tock

5 minutes remaining.

I sped up

“Why do you run away from it?”. 

A question.

I stopped. Silence ensued.

My vision blurred. A man sitting comfortably in a luxurious seat . A desk in front of me, was strewn about with paper filled to the brim  in weird characters, I couldn't read. his voice took my focus away.

“You refuse to accept it?” He asked. Calm 

Opening my mouth, a raspy voice, I could hardly recognize as my own, spoke

“Ac-Accept what?”

His complexion changed, his features still covered in weird characters but I could just feel the disappointment oozing out.

“You were 7th, that was your score.” A cold voice resounded.

…7th? No no no. I was 1st. I could only be 1st, he’s lying, he’s lying, THAT'S RIGHT! HE HAS TO BE LYING. IT’S JUST A JOKE.

A dry chuckle escaped me—weak, forced. “That’s… that’s not true.” My voice cracked as I forced the broken words out of my mouth..

“It’s a mistake. A misunderstanding. It has to be. It…It has to? .”

But he didn’t laugh. He wasn’t laughing. I swallowed hard. 

Why wasn’t he laughing?

My heart pounded in my chest rhythmically, like a ticking clock.

 I craned my neck and stole a glance at him. His features still indiscernible but pity seemed to exude out of him

Something warm seemed to flow down my cheeks. I wiped it. But it kept coming. Was I….crying?

Images began to flash before me, something buried deep inside began to claw its way out. I wasn't sure what the memory was yet I didn’t want to look. I wouldn’t look as I shut my eyes as tightly as possible and covered my ears and screamed as I crouched into a fetal position

“Hck…I- I don’t want to see.. I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER” I wailed through choked sobs  though I couldn’t fathom why I was crying or what I was even saying. Slowly, I wheezed while trying to catch my lost breath. My hands dropped down from my ears as they lost strength tired of resisting anymore. I shouldn’t open my eyes. I shouldn’t. I couldn’t

Silence quickly followed as all the voices died out. Seconds trickled by turning into minutes and then into hours or at least felt like it. Tired. I wanted to give up. Surrender. But if I did I wouldn’t be the top student. Top scorer?

My eyes inched open and focused on what met my gaze. A series of random names in a descending order, to present each of their rankings. But those didn’t matter. Only my name called my attention as I peered at the number next to it.

7.

My heart quickened, the thumping resounding in my ear, but incomplete. 

Tick-

Tick-

Distracted by the sound I didn’t realize when the scene had changed and a mirror appeared before me, replacing what stood before . I stared at the mirror questioningly before I realized It was not me in the reflection. I reeled back in revolt as I saw the monstrosity within it.

A deformed horrific beast seemed to be staring back at me for some reason. Its body seemed to be abused, scarred and mutilated to the point of no return and every single fraction of his skin was engraved with the weird markings. I observed them more careful-

Tick Tock

5 minutes remaining.

I sped up.