Straightaway to Homo sapiens selfmade obsolescence

Submitted into Contest #19 in response to: Write a short story about someone searching for the perfect gift for their partner.... view prompt

1 comment


After approximately two dozen plus years of marriage (yup to the same woman - lemme tell Ripley yea hard to believe), both myself and the missus accepted fair equitable contract before agreement to parting ways. We sought assistance drafting post nuptial document pro bono courtesy namely one Richard Marlin Perkins (March 28, 1905 – June 14, 1986), an American zoologist best known as a host of the television program Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom from 1963 to 1985.

Me thought what a wonderful world cue Louis Daniel Armstrong circa August 4, 1901 – July 6, 1971, nicknamed Satchmo. After all's said and done, I axed myself rhetorical question for umpteenth time, "what better perfect present"? This altered status could (would) be savored for remaining years of, (I pray) livingsocial scads years after wife easily, invariably, and undoubtedly reached her arbitrary centenarian benchmark. "No, I won't reveal that she will become complete three score orbitz round the sun July sixth two thousand and twenty. Ah... nothing compares to trademark Nike swoosh to apply concluding humorous classic touché. What better way to top off a lifetime feeling yoked to hen pecking spouse as thee following words accurately attest. Ah got the future pluperfect birthday present/ Christmas gift most likely appealing to remaining orbits former wife remains stayin alive.

Hen pecked husband - Day and night me spouse for countless year, // I must endure the shrieking call for “Matt,”// that mine nickname deaf finitely punctures // sensitive left and right ear, // akin to annoying mosquito or buzzing gnat // impossible mission to eradicate without fear // lest yours truly destroys the entire house madly waving baseball bat // only for the pestilential pest to mock and jeer // futile attempt to wrest control and rejoice at the splat, // analogous to a rorschach test closely resembling wife I fear.

Ye dear reader might be unaware and/or only marginally attuned to amazingly sophisticated state of the art/science robotics became. I got reliably sourced top secret confidential information to substantiate lonely single existence, and thus pitch perfect anodyne antidote against avoid experiencing prolonged case of divorcee blues. Rather than faux pas, albeit namely spoiler alert, I will try to communicate adequate hints alluding to remedy regarding psychological and emotional financial fallout, plus expenditure costs (namely decrease in earnings to claim membership within jet set linkedin with of divorce, no matter whether offspring (substitute smart pets as extended family) tend to their own domestic affairs. Think animatronics copying, duplicating, emulating... human being to imagine science fiction realm superseded reality. Think General Electric motto "We Bring Good Things to Life." Said company not necessarily the purported manufacturer of alluded to unstated product. Rather than rouse incessant curiosity, fury, injury... I put delivery date on hold regarding any suspicion activity pertaining to custom made household exquisite electronic (digital) accouterment.

Though unable to attest with absolute zero unwavering doubt the functionality arising owning perfect for surprise for former partner, (thus far) scant officiated, marketed, kickstarted... iteration, generation, evolution... detailing release date, sans unmentioned wizardry still within infant stage. Aside from prominently utilizing the revolutionary technological developments available within animatronics, a gamut of many other specialties (think anatomy, biology, chemistry...) involved. Actually no other sought after innovation (of late, nor lurking upon technological lost horizon) incorporates such breadthless scope involving bajillion dollars. Matter of fact, the entire government industrial edifice complex shifted toward wartime agenda. Most every man, woman, and child (in)directly participates, not so much to complete my chief hankering, but mainly to buzzfeed military intelligence demand for offsetting loss of precious human cargo, especially when highly trained technicians indirectly costs taxpayers more than an arm and leg.

Did I emphatically inform you... no, not tim eye tiny knowledge, yet disclosed brainchild birthing global changing, (plus climate as well) invention originated out the fifty plus shades of gray matter housed within thy cranium. All throughout, I never got called "smarty pants" sitting on books. Nary an iota mine intelligence quotient assessed. If any opinion held, the vast majority might conclude yours truly best assigned to unflattering "special education," where students feigned appearing happily at home with trees and flowers and chirping, snapchatting and twittering birds, and tasked with learning underwater basket weaving. Afterwards, they sat feeling comfortably numb, smiled and didst twiddle their thumbs and toes.

Contrary to "fake non newsworthy" rumors, yours truly never excelled at anything except taking up time and space. Upon completing regular at guidance counsellor's office, I cavalierly, nonchalantly, whimsically... and unwittingly answered academic questions humorous. Much to my unexpected ohm my dog amped up dismay, this accidentally, amazingly gracefully, playfully... harmless written NON GMO gluten free bon mot (corroborated with verbal reply), the fickle finger of fate (no laugh-in matter) found me resistant to cooperate sketching out any brilliant elaborate complimentary amalgamation of futuristic ideas. Upon protesting about being feeble minded, and/or at most evincing flair for good humor, such admission of modesty only convinced peers of creative escapism foisting gamesome ingenuity.

Fast forward or at least lemme engineer and finagle train of thought nsync with plotting to become uncoupled with spouse during aforementioned salad days, which pledging troth essentially preceded husbandry like y'know another lifetime ago. Best to reroute less relevant (or least in apropos) commentaries predating marital dissolution. Curried tidbit distracts concerning overcoming learning deficit quandary, when particularly tasked with steep pulled aery mission. I did acquire understanding esoteric higher mathematics. Figurative crash test dummy here sped thru arcane lingo contributed great challenge, not nearly as difficult as understanding feminine mystique. Cut and dry once revolutionary theoretical notions (think artificial intelligence bailiwick – cuz aye like the word) found dramatically stepped up revelations in orders of magnitude exceeding quantum leaps. Thus resuming anticipation involving whirled wide webbed wunderkinds, whose aptitude far surpassed mine, nonetheless lit metaphorical fire under thy jeans (genes) passed down father to son interestingly enough noticeably increasing brain capacity. Such supposition quite self evident and obvious if casual observance fixed on

younger crop of gals and guys. After untimely accidental or terminal disease (caused) claimed death, many lauded as incredibly, inordinately, and intelligently gifted students bequeathed their precious minds painstakingly scrutinized, whereat controversial (yes) bold attempts to duplicate infinitesimal neurological network laid cornerstone pointing one direction for nascent nerds nimbly notated (literal) numbskull naturally kept preserved.

Unprecedented discoveries visa vis burst into clarity, especially captivating future specialists. Careful brain dissection did segway (Aldous time) into brave new world prognostications. Once central processing unit (only privy to cosmic creator, or other divine essences if unseen presence of deity believed) diligently analyzed breakthroughs into replicating August crown jewel not far behind. Ability to integrate (think graft) cerebrum with synthetic materials paved way laboratory wayfarers trod (with lion eyes) analogous yellow brick road courtesy deoxynucleic acid double helix. Mankind devised, limned, unleashed... untold hybridizations infusing machines with semblance of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Do it yourself easy to assemble kits for laywoman/man allowed, enabled, and provided cutting edge frontiers beckoning (however questionably concerned citizens banker became) able, eager and ready to configure 3d printer to swiftly tailor quasi human entities, whose near infinite longevity opened unprecedented demand for explicit dire traits.

December 12, 2019 04:12

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

1 comment

John K Adams
23:19 Dec 18, 2019

The archaic language and extended sentences made the story largely impenetrable. I know there was a there, there. But the diction, as witty as it was, also kept me from following it.


Show 0 replies