I couldn't explain this overwhelming desire and passion fused with disgust and repugnance that filled my mind and body. I looked at his eyes filled with lust and longing as I reached out to him to quench my thirst. I was sickened and exhilarated. He made me excited but terrified. I wondered if she was calling him right now and waiting for him to pick up the phone that was on mute. He was mine this evening. I had him all to myself for a few hours but was it worth it? I could lose everything but wasn't this all I had wanted?
I was infuriated by his insensitivity. I ranted and raved in my head at everything I was going to say to him. I was enraged that this was happening again. The same arguments. His insistence that he was right and I was wrong. The way he looked at me when he wanted something and ignored me when he had no use for me. I confessed my love to him and he shoved it back in my face. The words meant nothing to him.
I did it. I told him that I love him just when he was pulling away from me and closer to her. I heard the words as they came out of my mouth and marvelled at the blurting out of such precious words. I had practiced this. I had to say it and yet it seemed as if they were just words. Leaves falling to the ground and withering far away from the branch where they hung.
September - October 2020
Should I tell him how I feel? I love him right? I agonised over whether to share my feelings. That’s just it. ‘Feelings’ are temporary and fleeting. I may be in love with him today but will it last until tomorrow? What is love anyway? Compatibility and security or fearful passion?
He ravished me with attention and I basked in his affection. He was all I could think of. I envisioned us living together and raising a family together but could never form the words to share this dream with my closest family and friends. I often asked myself; if I could not admit my feelings to my dearest and closest was I living a lie? I wondered if I had conjured up these feelings to help me explain to myself why I did the things that I did. To understand why I wanted him.
July - August 2020
We sat side by side in comfortable silence. He read his book and I read the newspaper. I would glance at him from time to time and smile to myself to see how he bit on one of his finger nails so absentmindedly. He looked up and caught me eye and grinned in that naughty way that made my body tingle and my mind go blank. Late night kisses and hands roaming freely. Tracing my fingers over his chest and his hands cupping my face. Lying with my face buried in his chest.
I texted him, ‘I can't believe what happened last night. I’m still smiling.’ He texted back, ‘So am I’. We were standing on the rooftop terrace and looking up at the night sky. He pointed out a few stars shining brightly above. I nodded and said something about clear skies and no signs of rain. We were awkward with each other. We did not know what to say and yet we only wanted to speak to each other. We did not know where to look and yet we only wanted to look at each other. We were standing so close but we could not touch. I could hear the muffled voices of the others coming from under the gazebo in the middle of the terrace and clung on to this delicious moment of just being so close to him alone in our little corner. I could not tear my eyes away from his long, thin fingers placed on the ledge so close to my body and breathed in his perfume hoping that he would kiss me. Our first kiss.
We both moved slowly in circles around each other as if we were dancing to an unknown beat. We were never alone but it sometimes felt like we were the only two in a crowded room. When we locked eyes I could sense the struggle of his pain and suffering and all I wanted to do was comfort him. I feared that I would be like a fly tangled up in the spider web of his life. I was drawn to the details of his life as if I was colouring in the outline of a picture. Blue, green and red spilled out in every corner and it wasn't only him. I was devastated at this growing attraction, jealous of those who got to spend time with him and angry at myself for what was happening. What I was allowing to happen.
March - April 2020
“Thank you for giving me a ride back home”, I said gratefully. Did he know that I had hoped we would finally have this chance to be alone together? We talked about her straight away. He seemed relieved that there was no pretence. I talked about my latest story that had been published and the inspiration for it. Awkward silence filled the car as I stopped talking and waited for a response that did not come. He seemed preoccupied by his thoughts and unwilling to wander into mine.
January - February 2020
We locked eyes and it seemed as if it was love at first sight. There was instant chemistry; an unexplainable attraction. He was tall and skinny and very sexy. We spoke to each other politely whenever we absolutely had to. I heard all the stories in due time. The series of complications in his life that threatened to destroy his life, his future and anyone who came into contact with him. I made a promise to myself to stay away from him. It’s just physical, I told myself over and over again. You two have no future together.