Jane's Awakening

It’s the first Monday back at the hospital after Jane’s first vacation at her new job. It’s actually Wednesday, but Jane works shift work and Wednesday starts her workweek. Also, Jane has been at her job for six and a half months, slowly accruing time off. The hospital lights are sterile and uninviting after two weeks in the woods of the Adirondacks.

“Good morning, Jane! How was your vacation? You won’t believe the patients we had while you were gone! Have you talked to, Mike, yet?” asked Kristen, Jane’s coworker that is too talkative this early in the morning.

“No, I haven’t talked to anyone on the unit yet. Vacation was nice. I’ll be interested to hear what happened while I was gone,” said Jane, flatly, as she swiped her badge for access onto the her unit, the Medical ICU, at one of the myriad hospitals in Upstate New York.

“Oh, well, we had three patients come in for heroin overdoses on Narcan drips. I know that’s not out of the ordinary, but one was a pregnant lady! We had the fetal heart rate monitor on and everything. It was Mike’s patient. He was pretty worried about the baby. Mom too. I thought you would have spoken to him…” Kristen said, probing, looking Jane’s face up and down for any hints of surfacing gossip.

“Nope, haven’t spoken to anyone. I just got back yesterday evening,” Jane said, annoyed, but trying to hide some of the annoyance with softer facial expressions.

“Oh. Well. We also had a couple of relatively young alcohol withdrawers. It still boggles my mind that people can drink so much alcohol that just a day or two without alcohol turns them into a sweaty, tremulous, crazy person. One patient climbed up on shelf under the window and threw himself against the glass yelling that he was a bird and needed to be set free. We had to call security. You can’t make this stuff up, am I right?” Kristen said, too bright-eyed this early in the morning.

“Yeah, wow. Crazy,” Jane said as she opened the door to the break room.

Luckily, someone had already started a fresh pot of coffee. The sweet, roasted smell was the most inviting input to Jane’s five senses since she dragged herself out of her car in the employee parking lot this morning.

Jane has been a Registered Nurse for the past five years. She has only ever worked in Intensive Care and about a year ago felt like she needed a change of scenery. Without much hesitation, she started applying to different hospitals in Upstate New York from down in Brooklyn. Jane wasn’t sure if city life was getting her down; cramped with minimal savings and retirement. Surely, the simple life in Upstate would get her out of her funk, she thought.

After six months upstate, she felt the all-too-familiar weight in her chest, which is what prompted her vacation. She liked her co-workers, enjoyed helping people through some of the toughest times of their lives, started seeing her savings grow slowly, and even joined a group exercise class, which she swore she’d never do. Jane had an overload of intense human interaction at her job, so typically enjoyed solo runs, but thought a group class would help her make friends. She hasn’t really made any friends at the gym, but does enjoy the new upper body muscle definition, so she continues to pay the monthly fee and tries making it to a class a couple times a week.

Jane has even gone on a handful of dates…with Mike. Just the thought of Kristen prying into her personal life while at work makes her sigh heavily.

“What’s wrong…young lady?” asks Jane’s patient between heavy breaths. Jane’s patient is an elderly woman in need of a breathing tube, but she’s refusing, stating that she’s too old to be on life support. Hopefully some steroids, diuretics, and breathing treatments will help buy her some meaningful time with her family.

“Nothing is the matter, ma’am,” Jane replies, unconvincingly. Jane could never hide her emotions very well.

“You listen here…young lady…I’ve been on this earth…for…too long…to not notice when…someone…is full of shit,” said the elderly woman, struggling to get all the words out.

Jane chuckled, “You’re right, ma’am. I just got off of a vacation and I think I am feeling post-vacation blues. That’s all. Now let me see if you’re due for a breathing treatment.”

“All I’m…going to say…is…don’t let life…pass you by…if you’re not happy. Listen to your…heart,” said the patient between hungry breaths.

Jane smiled at the patient and felt her eyes dampen. “Ay ay, cap’n,” Jane joked and watched the woman’s lips curl up at the ends in amusement. Jane walked out of the room wondering if it was that time of the month or just tired. She felt a wave of emotion about to come crashing down in front of everyone on the unit at seven forty-five in the morning on her Monday. No, keep it together, Jane. Just breathe. In and out. Just…

“Good morning, Jane!” Mike said, walking up to her with a cup of coffee outstretched from one of the local coffee joints. “I got you your favorite on the way into work this morning. Dirty Chai with a pump of vanilla. I can’t wait to hear about your trip. It’s wild you were without service for two whole weeks. I, uh,” Mike leaned in with a softer voice, “missed you.” Mike pulled back with a childish grin on his face.

Jane glanced over Mike’s shoulder and saw Kristen craning her neck at them. Jane made eye contact with her and she quickly sat back at her desk. Jane could feel that wave of emotion, and now nausea, starting to crest, if not spilling over. “Uh, thanks, Mike. Um. Hey. Can you listen out for my patients for a second, I need to run to the bathroom quickly,” Jane sputtered out as she backed away from him and the outstretched coffee.

Jane made it into the bathroom just in time. Tears started streaming down her face. She felt like she couldn’t catch her breath and her eyes wouldn’t stop leaking. Gosh, why do they have to leak so much! Jane looked at herself in the mirror and quickly turned away, worried that self-pity would only make it worse. A knock at the door brought her heart up into her throat. Shit. Just sound normal. “Just a sec,” Jane called out, somewhat convincingly. She actually felt a little better. The momentary fright of being caught made the eye-leaking and throat-squeezing stop. Jane took a couple more deep breaths and wiped her cheeks with that thin, coarse toilet paper that hospitals always have. She flushed the toilet and washed her hands—without looking in the mirror—to make her time in the bathroom more believable. Not that it mattered, but it felt like the right thing to do. Besides, it bought her more time.

Jane enjoyed her dirty chai and had an otherwise uneventful day at work. She arrived home around eight o’clock, made macaroni and cheese from the box since she hadn’t gone to the grocery store yet, and opened a beer she found way in the back of the refrigerator. She did not recall how long it had been there or when she bought it. Maybe Mike brought it over, Jane thought.

Jane managed to polish off the whole box of macaroni before feeling full. Then, pretty quickly, felt the wave of exhaustion coming on. You better shower before you nod off at the kitchen table again, Jane cajolled herself, since the thought of putting her head down for just a few minutes seemed nearly impossible to resist. The dishes can wait, you have another long day tomorrow. And why am I drinking this beer anyway? I don’t even enjoy ambers. Jane slowly pulled herself up from the kitchen table and dumped the other half of her beer down the sink and set it on the counter just to the right. She turned, hit the lights, and shuffled down the hallway to her bedroom.

The next few months went on like the months prior to Jane’s vacation. She worked every Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday. Went to her dimly-lit group workouts in a room lined by mirrors twice a week. Mike came over on Sundays to watch football and usually kept the conversation going until it got late enough to ask, “Is it okay if I stay over? It’s getting kind of late to drive back across town.” They both knew that a fifteen minute drive at midnight for a man in his late twenties was hardly an unthinkable task. Nevertheless, they both settled into the comfort of the “unplanned sleepover.” Jane wasn’t ready to settle down and if it seemed like Mike was going to bring up the dreadful topic, she always found a way to interrupt him. She went so far as spilling beer in bed bed one night, knowing it would buy her enough chaotic time to really throw Mike off. Jane knew from conversations here and there that Mike didn’t have a lot of dating experience and it usually didn’t take much to scare him off the topic.

For Superbowl weekend, Jane decided to throw a party, inviting some coworkers and their partners and even two people from her workout class. She was pretty sure the people from her class would decline since she never spent time with them outside of class before, but to her surprise they agreed with excitement. “We were just saying last week that neither one of us has ever been to a Superbowl Party before!” the taller girl had exclaimed. Jane wasn’t sure if she felt better or worse that they decided to come. And moreover, wasn’t sure how to feel about their blatant excitement. Jane was left with an anxious feeling in her gut, which was rooted in the hope that they would get along with her coworkers and that their first Superbowl Party would actually be fun. Jane wondered if her coworkers would be able to talk about topics other than unforgettable patient situations. Her guests were about to arrive, which left no more time to fret. Breathe in and out, Jane. It’s going to be great.

By the beginning of the fourth quarter, most everyone was pretty tipsy and small groups of people were talking louder and louder to be heard over the other small groups of people who were also talking loudly. The buffalo chicken dip was the only dish seemingly licked clean. The raw veggie platter looked fairly neglected. Empty and nearly empty beer bottles and cans seemed to be squeezed onto every available surface around the apartment. Chips were crumbled and pressed into the rugs. Quite the success, Jane thought to herself.

Soon after the game ended, people began shuffling out in twos and threes. Jane had been busy cleaning up some of the dishes with the help of Kristen when she looked out into the living room and saw Mike and the tall girl from her workout class talking closely. Kristen wasted no time after noticing Jane lock eyes on the newly formed friendship in the living room. “How are things going with you and Mike,” she asked.

Jane didn’t answer, she was too focused on trying to interpret body language and even tried reading their lips.

“Jane?” Kristen pressed.

“Huh, what? Did you say something?”

“I asked how things are going with you and Mike,” Kristen said slowly with her eyebrows raised and she passed another clean dish to Jane.

“Oh, um, we’re fine. We’re just friends anyway,” Jane replied as she dried off the dish.

“Are you sure about that? You have been ‘hanging out’ for close to six months now,” Kristen said while making air quotes dripping with judgement.

Jane thought she looked like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers and began to giggle, which quickly erupted into doubled-over hysterical laughter. Jane couldn’t catch her breath and was laughing so hard she held onto the kitchen counter as she bent over. Her eyes began to leak a disproportionate amount and Kristen asked, “Are you okay Jane? What is so funny?”

Jane couldn’t catch her breath enough to explain, but also enjoyed the funny image more in secret. She also wasn’t completely sure what was going on. She finally caught her breath and sighed saying, “Man, I just caught a serious case of the giggles.” She then started thinking about her patients. It would be something if patients got admitted to the ICU for a serious case of the giggles. Laughter would not be the best medicine in that case. But maybe good for the other patients. Woo, I think I’m a little tipsy. But I only had a beer or two. Huh, I wonder if… 

As Jane was finishing that thought, Mike walked up to her in the kitchen. “Hey, I’m going to head out now. Your friends from your gym need a ride home. I’m sorry, I was hoping to help you clean up. I’ll see you at work Wednesday? Thanks for hosting! Um, yeah, I’ll see you Wednesday. Bye, Jane. See ya, Kristen.” Mike walked out awkwardly followed by the girls from the gym. The tall one looked at Jane and silently pointed to Mike’s back and gave Jane a wink and the “okay” sign with her long, slender fingers. Then she walked out and closed the door behind her.

“Well, that was awkward,” Kristen said as she turned back toward the sink.

“You know what, I think I can clean up the rest on my own. I’m, um, I’m actually pretty particular about how I clean and put things away. Thanks so much for helping though,” Jane said with a less-than-reassuring smile.

“Alright, if you say so. I have to get up early for work in the morning anyway,” Kristen said with some hesitation, trying to read Jane’s face. “See you Wednesday at work Jane. Thanks for hosting,” Kristen said as she walked toward her coat and purse by the door. “And you’ve got my number if you need to talk or anything…”

“Bye Kristen, drive safe,” Jane said as she ushered her out of the door.

Jane’s mind was spinning, but not from the alcohol. She didn’t even remember finishing her second beer. It felt strange to see Mike leaving with another girl, even though she was sure he was just being polite. Even if he wasn’t, she felt an awkward sense of relief. The tall girl from the gym seemed interested. And they did look good together, Jane thought. Everyone else seemed to have a good time too, so that was also a relief.

Jane had lied to Kristen, she was not a tidy person. She decided to leave the clean-up for morning and skipped the shower. Jane had a deep sleep that night with dreams of hiking deep in the woods and kept seeing her grandmothers old typewriter behind trees and hanging down from branches like ornaments. It rained sheets of white paper, which lined the path through the trees.

Jane woke up exhausted, but with an odd sense clarity. Her mind was at work all night trying to put together the puzzle pieces of her awkward sense of relief last night. She thought that a change of scenery would get her out of her funk. She thought that new friends and a new guy would help get her out of her funk. She thought exercise and pushing herself outside of her comfort zone would get her out of her funk. However, after last night, she realized she can’t enjoy any of those new people and experiences if she doesn’t go after a curious, nagging, dream of hers: writing.

Jane’s grandmother was an author. Mostly fiction and never earned much money, and certainly not fame. When Jane was on vacation back in the fall, she found herself smiling at the memories of her grandmother’s typewriter keeping her awake when she would visit over the summer and during the Christmas break from school. Thunk…thunk…thunk thunk thunk…thunk thunk…thunk… Jane would lay awake in bed at night coming up with stories as her grandmother thunked away on her typewriter into the night. Jane would eventually drift off to sleep and often forget the stories she came up with the night before. She asked her parents for a typewriter for Christmas one year and they instead bought her a simple chemistry set. She asked again for her birthday, but instead received books on how the body works, astronomy, and the geology of the Northeast US.

Jane suddenly sat upright in bed, reached over for her laptop on the night stand, and did a quick search for typewriters for sale. A local antique shop popped up and she called to inquire. 

“Hello?” an old man answered the line.

“Good morning, do you have any typewriters for sale?” Jane asked while gripping her phone with both hands.

“A typewriter? We actually have one that someone dropped off just last week. It appears to be in working order. If you come by this afternoon I can have it all shined up for you to take a look at,” the old man replied.

“No need! I mean, no need to shine it up. Can I come take a look this morning?” Jane asked while throwing her legs out the side of the bed.

“Sure thing, come on by whenever. I’ll have it up at the front counter. What’s your name, dear?” the old man asked.

“Jane. Jane Lancett.”

“Well, Jane, I look forward to seeing you.”