Playing Alone

PLAYING ALONE

   She was half my age wrapped in a gold dress. She sat beside me, buying into the game with five hundred dollars. My blackjack table had nine empty stools and she picked the one that put her thigh against mine. I tapped for another card and busted out. She patted my back in sympathy.

   She waved off the dealer ignoring the game. “You’re in here a lot.” She said, touching my ring hand. I anted with my free hand.

   “I got nowhere else to be.” I was dealt a king, the dealer had a five. I was sure there were a lot more face cards left in the shoe. I doubled down and was dealt a four. The dealer drew a four, too, and then a queen. He raked the money and I anted again.

   The girl slipped a business card in the pants pocket and the dealer scowled. I kept it under the table but had a look. Grace Lily Services. “I’m not looking for company.”

   She laughed and leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Aren’t you sweet. That’s not what I do, darling.” She played a hundred dollar chip and drew an eight. I drew a pair of aces, split them, doubled down on both and drew a three and a deuce. The dealer drew a seven, and stayed on seventeen. She collected, and I lost again.

   I got up and tossed the dealer a five dollar chip for a tip. Grace slipped an arm round my waist from her seat and pulled me in. “You don’t have to stop.”

   “I’m calling it a night.” 

   She held up her hands in surrender. “Twelve fourteen?”

  I left her, confused. It was later than that, I was sure. Two-ten they said at the check-in desk. It didn’t hit me in the elevator. Only when I was sliding my door key did it hit me, twelve fourteen was my complimentary room.

  I had a shower and then sat myself on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor and thinking about what I had lost. There was a knock and I opened the door. The Grace Lily Services girl had arrived.

   “I got no money.”

   She waited. I left her at the open door and she invited herself in. She went past me and placed herself on the bed. The room door closed itself. I took up a discreet place in the chair by the window.

   “Do you like the view of the city?” she asked, shifting sides of the bed to tap a shoe tip on one of my bare ankles.

   “I don’t have any money.”

   “I know. All gone. The ride’s almost over.” She sat up respectfully and straightened the hem of her short dress. “What are you doing here, George?”

   “I got tired of an empty house.”

   She waited.

   “My wife passed. Twenty-eight years. Twenty-eight.“ I wasn’t going to cry in front of this girl. “You don’t care.”

   “It’s not about my feelings, George. Why are you here?”

   ”When I’m here I don’t think about my wife. I don’t think about anything.”

   “When you’re playing.”

   “When I’m playing.”

   “But you can’t play anymore.”

   “How do you know that?”

   “I follow money, George.”

   “I haven’t been losing all the time. You know, I’ve had a lot of days I’ve been up. When I took their money.”

   “But not enough days. And not high enough when you’ve been up. Now all your money’s gone.” She leaned into me. “I’ve seen you at the bank machines more than anyone else here. Weeks. Then I don’t see you, and then I hear the Casino’s Cash Cage is holding a large amount in your name. Was that a mortgage? A line of credit, George?”

   “Yeah, I know what I’ve done.”

  She put her hands on both my legs, but I felt nothing.

   “When that ran out you got a loan from the Cage. One of those ones where you sign off on a voluntary garnishee of your wages if you don’t pay it back in forty-eight hours.” She raised her hands to my face and held it. “You don’t want to go back to work, do you George? You need more time. You need to play just a little bit longer.”

   I wanted to hit her, but I didn’t hit people. Maybe she only touched me because she knew I wouldn’t touch her. “You’re not ready to leave, are you George?”

   She hung the question in the air and waited. I stared at the floor a bit and then I shook my head.

   Grace opened her purse, took out a stack of bills, and put them on the table by my chair. She unfolded a contract from her purse and set it down with a pen. “All this needs is your signature.”

   She leaned back stretching her arms behind her on the bed to hold herself up as she sat looking at me. As if she was inviting me to take her. I could not look away now. My stomach sank. It was bloated and sore from weeks of buffet food. My head hurt from drinking too many rocket fuel coffees. I wanted to stop. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to go home. I wanted my wife. I missed my Lindsay. She would never have let me make a decision like this on my own. I thought of her. I knew how this worked. The first one who makes a move loses. Grace held me in her sights and then I buckled and I signed the contract, and then Lindsay went away again.

   Grace stood up, folding up the contract.

   “What about my copy?”

   “George, you don’t need a copy, you have our money. The first payment is in one week, and every Tuesday after.”

   “Where?”

   “We’re always around, just have the money ready.” She rubbed my back again. “You go play now, George.”   

   She left. I dressed myself again and then sat down by the window. I held the money in my hands, looked out at the view, and let myself think about my wife for a little bit.  My Lindsay.

   My hands kept shaking. I was alone. I only wanted to forget and play.