Gone Forever.

Something felt wrong today. I usually start my mornings with a shower and a cup of the worst coffee anyone could make. I’ve always just guessed my mother was never taught how to use the coffee maker correctly. Yet today the coffee was almost tasteless. I could usually feel the bitterness creeping down my throat but today I got nothing. It was as if my taste buds had just disappeared. Weird... Maybe mom is getting better? I started my shower up and watched as steam filled the room. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deep before undressing. Out of all my days, seeing myself naked was the part I dreaded the most. My usual tan skin would be covered in scars, hidden just underneath blues and purples. Every day I would keep my eyes closed for as long as I could just so I wouldn’t have to see the ugly truth. Today though, today the scars were missing and the bruises that once covered my skin were gone. I could see steam all around me. The water should be burning my flesh not making it feel like I was touching ice. God I am so cold. So very cold. Why can’t I get warm?!  

Giving up I decided to just get dressed. Maybe then something will make sense. But it doesn’t. I can’t even feel the fabric that once itched so terribly. I keep having to look down at the stained clothes just to make sure that I am actually wearing some. Damn it. I twirled a slender finger around the rim of the shirt before noticing a hole. Sticking my finger through it was probably not the smartest thing I could have done. I let out a gasp as I watched the hole grow bigger. Dad is not going to let that go. My pants were no better but I patched them up every so often with other pieces of fabric I could find. Safety pins! I quickly ran to the side of my mattress and found an empty box that used to contain my get out of jail free cards. No. No. No! I threw myself onto my makeshift blanket. I felt as if I was crying my no tears ran down my cheek. I lifted a hand to my face and felt nothing.  

Okay. Let’s just get this over with. I sat up and shoved my feet into the same shoes I have worn for the last 3 years. They stopped fitting correctly 2 years ago which caused countless amounts of blisters on my heels. I prepared myself for the pain. Nothing happened. Not even a wince. Could it be that I have finally grown used to the feeling? Of having the backs of these god forsaken shoes rub against my skin so much that they are caked in blood? Now is not the time to think about this. He is waiting. I tried to smooth down my shirt and calm myself. I could feel the nervous building and I needed them to just go away. I plastered what felt like a mask across my face and started to make my way down the stairs. Each step felt like a million miles away and time was slowing down. My breath was caught in my throat as I looked upon the face of the man. His eyes so sharp they knock the wind out of you. Except this time, it felt as if he couldn’t see me. Not like he ever really does. I’ve always just been in the way for him. This time though, this time his gaze went past me and up towards my room, almost like he was searching for me. Dad? I try to speak. My mouth comes open but no words escape. I reach my hand out to touch him. I can feel the rough edges of his hands. Workers hands he used to say. I watched in horror as he pulls his hands away and looks at them. As in disbelief that I even touched him. Dad? My throat feels on fire as I try to let out a single word.  

“Honey?” I can hear my mom call from the kitchen. Both our heads swing around to face her. She was a simple woman. Nothing more, nothing less. Just simple. She was the kind of woman you walked by on the sidewalk and never remember her face again. Mom? My throat burned again. I wanted to scream and cry. They are acting as if I’m not standing right here! “Honey, it’s been weeks.” Her voice grew softer as she spoke. The man just nodded his head and took one more glance up towards my room before making his way out the front door. Not saying goodbye as he left for the day was something he’s always done but today I watched the hurt overwhelm my mother. I could see it in her eyes that she had so much more to say. When she turned back towards the kitchen, I saw a fresh array of blue and purple along her arm. New and old scabs scattered around them. I hung my head and tried to down out this feeling. Mom... 

I’m not sure what made me do it but I just had to. I wrapped my arms so tight around her. I couldn’t let her go. I couldn’t see her like this. She was all I had and seeing her so broken was the final straw. My mother didn’t hug me back. She just stood there. Her eyes closed and her breathing slow. When I finally let go, she ran a hand up her arms. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t even look at me. She just moved closer to the sink of dishes and rested her hands on the side. Tears filled her eyes but she just choked them back. All hope she had left was drained. I let out a long sigh. I love you. Fire filled me. I needed to just say those words. That’s all I want to do, but I can’t. I looked at the fridge where we kept a dry erase board. I picked up the marker and drew the words as well as my name. I wasn’t sure if she saw it or not but she let out a sob and collapsed into herself on the floor. I watched for as long as I could bear before walking towards the front door.  

The metal from the door knob felt cool on my skin. I couldn’t bring myself to open it though. I instead rested my forehead on the wood. I need answers. I built up as much courage as I could and opened the door. Time slowed again as I watched the man cry in his car. Why he hadn’t left for work yet was something I tried not to think about. I could see the tears streaming down his face. His head resting on the steering wheel. His car wasn’t running which was odd as snow covered the frozen grass. I tried to make my way towards him. I could at least let the man know he was going to freeze if he didn’t start it. Halfway to him I realized something was off. I couldn’t feel the cold wind. I see the snow falling but I can’t feel it. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard the sounds of my feet crunching the snow. I glanced down and sure enough I was standing on some. Which is strange enough on its own. Why haven’t I sunk into it? Why are my shoes not wet and covered? I looked behind me to follow the trail that I walked which is when I noticed. I wasn’t leaving one.  

My footsteps were never there. My touch to the man’s hands never happened. The hug I gave my mother and the words I wrote just for her never existed. It was then that I remembered. Memories came flooding back. Flashes of blood and sirens. My mother’s scream as she found me. The smell of booze coming off the man’s breath. I wish I could say I had a happy life. I wish I could say I had a peaceful death. With one last bit of courage, I lifted my hand to the back of my head where I could feel my hair damp. I let out a shaky breath and brought the dampness to my eyes. Shades of red stained my hand. With what little courage I had left, I shut my eyes tight. I tried to remember my mother. The happy days with her before. It may be my time to leave this place, but I will always love her in this life and the next. With that I walked further out on the snow until I began to disappear forever.