Alone at home

I awoke from my nap to a loud bang at my bedroom door, my mother was not happy that I was sleeping again, I had tried to explain to her in the past that I had no motivation, no energy for days and she shrugged it off like it was just a bad few days, she didn't believe me when I explained that I think something may be wrong with my mind, with my mental state, she was never a firm believer that these issues were real, she was old fashioned so in her eyes it was just a bad day and I'd "Get over it".

I sluggishly moved towards the door, requesting through the door what she wanted and what time it was, she sighed loudly and said its 4pm you were supposed to help me clean the house today, this is the 4th time this week I've had to wake you in the middle of the day she exclaimed in an annoyed and disappointed tone, I lowered my head in disappointment, I didn't want to be the problem child, the one that everyone just expected the worst from but I couldn't help my lack of energy and motivation.

I apologized for my lack of energy again, for the 4th time this week I felt like being unmotivated was my own fault, like I was doing something to force myself to feel like this, I opened my door with tears in my eyes and she looked at me, sniggered under her breathe and walked away speaking to herself, the only words I could make out in my tired state were pathetic and waste of time, all my worst nightmares of being a bad son were coming true right before my eyes.

From then on I tried my best to have the motivation, to force energy out of myself to no avail, I pleaded and begged my parents to take me to a doctor to get work out what was wrong with me because it was getting to a point where I felt like this world was better off without me, every effort I made to get these issues resolved were pointless, nothing changed and every day felt the same, a pit of despair.

As the days went on it got harder and harder to get myself out of bed in the mornings, continuing to annoy my parents day in and day out, at this point, I'd missed mornings at school, I'd struggle to keep concentration in any class I had and overall just didn't want to be at the school or anywhere but my bedroom, alone or asleep.

One morning my mom had had enough of my constant lack of energy and we got into a huge argument resulting in harsh words being thrown back and forth along with me leaving the house to go and sit alone at the park nearby my house for a few hours to kind of gather my thoughts and calm myself down, I had started to believe that maybe I'm depressed and have more issues behind that, I'd had a very rough childhood up to this point, my biological father had left when I was 2 years old and whenever my parents had decided they wanted to have a drink or go for a night out, my mom would return drunk and violent towards me, emotionally and physically with the typical wording "You remind me of your father and I hate your father".

I had heard these statements several times throughout my lifetime and one night, I had finished dealing with her, my stepfather, on the other hand, he was quiet he just let it all happen and didn't ever step in to defend me, him being old fashioned too agreed with my mother that my mental health wasn't anything but a bad few days and I just need to cheer up, oh how many times I wished it was that simple to fix.

My mother entered my room drunk, waking me from my sleep to remind me how she hated me, how it was my fault my dad left and she was so sick of seeing how in her own words I was "So lazy", at this point it was 2am so I wasn't gonna be able to go anywhere at such a late time, so I shrugged it off till the morning and ignored her, later that day I spoke to a friend of mine about what had been going on and his mother had overheard our conversation and told him to tell me to come to their house tonight and I can stay with them for a week or two to clear my head, I was hesitant at first but after a short while thinking I agreed to do that, making sure to not let my mother know of my plans because that would have just ended in a huge argument, one I did not want to deal with.

As the evening approached I began to pack some things that I'd need whilst I was away, clothes, any books for school, uniforms, etc and hid my bag underneath my bed until I was ready to just walk out the door and leave, he only lived about a 30-minute walk from my house so it was convenient, Around 7pm not long after I'd eaten my supper for the evening, I went into my room, gathered my bag, took a deep breath and walked out the door, I began to run up the road in case my parents had heard me and came looking for where I was, I didn't want to give them any chance to stop me or talk me out of leaving, I'd made up my mind I was finished being emotionally abused by my so-called "parents".

I arrived at my friend's house unscathed and without issue, I walked into his front room, almost crying and breaking down from how many emotions were running through my head all at once, I decided to check my phone as I'd heard it vibrating in my bag on the way to my friend's house and I assumed it was my parents realized I was gone, upon checking my phone I had 1 text from my mother asking where I had gone at such a late time and to get home immediately, this text was accompanied by several missed calls, 11 of them if I recall correctly, I ignored every message for a couple of days just to try and gain my composure and work out how to approach the situation and the best way to break the news that I was done dealing with the abuse at home and if it didn't change I wouldn't return.

After 3 days I decided it was a good time to talk to my parents about the emotions I'd be feeling and just begging that they'd understand and want to help me find some solutions or at least answers to why I'd been feeling so drained and upset as of recent, I began to call, my first call went to voicemail, I tried again, and this time my mom answered with a very aggressive tone "What do you want?" I sighed and said it doesn't matter and ended the call, I'd been gone for 3 days and she didn't even think to ask how I was, where I was, who I was with, or even why I had left in the first place she was just too concerned with being angry at me, her issue was always that her anger would come before anything else and this was part of the reason I didn't want to talk to her straight away because having a conversation with her was like subjecting myself to torture.

About 45 minutes went by and I still hadn't heard anything from her when I finally received a message asking why I wasn't home, I replied with "I tried to tell you, but you don't ever want to listen you just want to be angry all the time" she didn't like that and proceeded to call me several times, I didn't answer out of fear that I was just gonna get an earful of abuse, after the 5th call I decided to give up ignoring her and answer, her first words were "Who the fuck do you think you are speaking to me like that" I replied with, "I'm Isaac, I'm supposed to be your son and someone you care about, someone whom when they have an issue you want to help them resolve it but unfortunately that isn't the case now is it?" for the first time in as many years as I could count my mother had nothing to say, she was speechless, she didn't know how to reply to that message, it took all of about 45 seconds for her to start hurdling abuse down the phone at me to which I just replied "I'm not doing this again, I won't be coming home until you decide you want to talk to me properly"

As the two weeks I was supposed to be stopping at my friend's house for neared I sat down and had a conversation with him and his mother, it was just those two there as his father had left from a young age, it was probably why we got on so well because we had to deal with similar issues from such a young age when I spoke to them and explained the situation at home, everything I was dealing with and my emotions as a whole, his mother without skipping a heartbeat said: "You can stay with us as long as you need and I will help you speak to a psychiatrist about your mental health and we'll try to get you some help" at that point I broke down into tears, I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore, a woman I had spoken to on maybe 5 separate occasions in the past just showed me more love than my own mother ever had, it really put things into perspective for me.

Another 2 weeks had passed without a single word from my mother, at this point I was convinced she didn't want anything to do with me anymore and by then, I didn't care I wasn't gonna deal with it any longer, I sent her a message explaining the entire situation, what was going to happen and that I did not want to have her in my life any longer, she was as good as dead to me, I never realized how alone I felt in my own home until I entered one where people actually cared about my wellbeing, to this day I do not interact with my mother, I do not speak to her and if I do it is through other people as I do not want direct contact with her any longer, my life and my story got so much better when I decided to stop classing blood as a family and started classing family as people who care.