Phil the Toaster

     Of all the things he owned, why was it the toaster that came to life?  It happened on one of the worst days in all 42 years of the life of Thomas Aquinas Jones.  He had just been laid off by the IT firm he had devoted the last fifteen years of his life to in the name of downsizing, and his girlfriend had walked out on him that morning.  All he needed was a dead dog and he’d be the subject of a Country and Western hit.

     Near the end of that terrible day, he arrived at home, threw his keys on the kitchen table, and launched into a twenty minute stream of invective laden hatred towards all those who had made this the worst day of his life: his arrogant manager, the fake sympathy spewing HR director, and the woman who had left him without warning.  With his anger cooling towards simmering angst, he grabbed a beer from the fridge.  As the cool liquid soothed his raw throat, he heard a voice.

     “You know, after a day like that, you need two pieces of toast, dripping with butter and covered in cinnamon and sugar.”

     The beer bottled slipped from his hand and crashed to the floor, sending pieces of glass all over his kitchen.  He turned towards the sound, but saw nothing but the appliances.  “Who said that,” he asked.

     “I did.  Look next to the sink.”

     All he saw next to the sink was the toaster, gleaming slightly in the evening sun.  It was a four-slot model that could handle anything you jammed into it from bagels to toast to frozen waffles.  His now ex-girlfriend had bought it at Costco six months ago.  

     “I must be dreaming,” Thomas said to himself.  He went to get a broom and dustpan and began sweeping up broken glass.  As he emptied the dustpan into the trash, the voice spoke again.

     “You know what goes good with beer?  One of those good quality toaster pastries with a lot of fruit inside and a ton of icing on top.”

     He looked again at the toaster.  He had heard of inanimate items suddenly springing to life lately.  No one could explain the hows and whys of it and after the initial panic, people began to accept it as normal, especially after the feared mechanical takeover never occurred.

     “What do you say, sport?  Care for a bagel?”

     Thomas tried to figure out how the toaster could speak without vocal cords or a mouth and settled on telepathy.  Absentmindedly, he pulled an English muffin from a sleeve on the counter and put them into the toaster.  “Now we’re talking,” the toaster said when he pushed down the lever to start toasting.

     At first, having a talking toaster was interesting.  Having just came to life, it had a lot of questions, most of which Thomas couldn’t answer.  They talked the metaphysics of a toaster suddenly gaining sentience.  Thomas confided in it, telling it his deepest thoughts over frozen waffles and bagels.  When he got a new job at twice his original salary, he and the toaster celebrated with leftover pizza heated up in toaster bags.  Thomas helped the toaster acclimate to its new status as a living being and in turn, the toaster helped Thomas recover from The Day it all Went Wrong.

     Over time, as the toaster adjusted to its new life, it began to ponder its purpose in life.  After several discussions, it decided that it’s purpose was to provide Thomas will anything that could be toasted.  The toaster, who one day decided it’s name was Phil, started to angle conversations towards anything that could be toasted.  Conversations revolved around anything that could be jammed into its slots.  Thomas grew tired of toast and Phil would get upset at each refusal.

     Thomas began to wonder why Phil was the one to come alive instead of something else.  Leroy Jones, Thomas’s next door neighbor, couldn’t stop gushing over his Jeep Wrangler that had come alive a few days after Phil did.  According to Leroy, the Wrangler coming alive was the coolest thing that had ever happened to him.  Thomas could barely contain his jealousy, but wondered if his beat up Mini Cooper coming alive would be something to brag about.

     Thomas consoled himself by thinking about his ex-girlfriend, who had called him up last week in tears as her newly sentient toothbrush was driving her crazy with all its not so constructive criticism of her dental habits and the state of her teeth.  That day, he counted himself lucky that the only thing he had to worry about was keeping enough bread on hand to keep Phil quiet.

     Still, he was reaching his breaking point.  One can eat only so many cinnamon bagels before the thought of having another one made his stomach turn nauseated flip-flops.  Something had to be done.

     Thomas decided that he had to get rid of Phil.  But, how to do so?  Would it be considered murder to take a hatchet to a living toaster?  Can one drown a toaster in a bathtub?  Would he get electrocuted trying to do so?  He started to trawl the internet, looking for a solution.

     He struck gold ten months to the day Phil came alive.  The website he located was not the best he’d ever seen.  It looked like it had been written int he 90’s, all garish colors and blinking fonts.  It read:

               Has your appliance suddenly come to life?  Has it been driving

               you bonkers with unreasonable requests?  We may be able to help.

               To paraphrase and old saying “One person’s maddening situation is

               another person’s dream situation.

               Our service matches your appliance to someone who can

               appreciate your appliance’s quirks and provide it with a good home.

               Enter a description of your appliance and its behaviors below, along

               with your email and we will find someone who will swap their

appliance for yours.

     Thomas entered in Phil’s description and an extensive catalog of all its quirks and pressed the submit button.  After a week of choking down English muffins that tasted like warm ashes in his mouth and turned his stomach into a churning vat of acid, he received a response.

     A man named Joe from Topeka, Kansas expressed an interest in Phil.  Joe had an old Walkman that refused to play anything other than operas.  Would Thomas be interested in making a trade?  Thomas mulled it over.  He was a big fan of opera, which was one of the reasons his ex had given for dumping him.

     He discussed it with Phil, who seemed very keen on the idea of serving toasted products to someone who would actually appreciate its efforts.  If Phil had had legs, it would have jumped for joy, but settled instead for twirling its power cord like a jump rope.  Thomas contacted Joe and set a date for the swap.

     Once everything was finalized, Thomas put Phil in the car and drove off across the country to Topeka.  The trip turned out to be quite enjoyable.  Thomas and Phil discussed the upcoming new chapter in Phil’s life, and it seemed to forget about its fixation for a time.  Thomas even found himself once again enjoying Phil’s toast and was surprised to discover that deep down, he actually liked Phil when it wasn’t trying to force him to eat toast all the time.

     Three days later, Thomas pulled into the driveway of a nondescript red brick house of the edge of Topeka.  Joe came out onto his porch and they exchanged a few pleasantries before going inside.  They sat down and made a little small talk before Joe took possession of the toaster.  Thomas felt an unexpected pang of loss as he handed Phil over.  Phil and Joe hit it off from the start, getting along like a house on fire.  Joe ate two rounds of toast and an English muffin before disappearing into his bedroom to retrieve the Walkman.

     “It calls itself Verdi,” Joe said as he cam out of the bedroom and handed it over to Thomas.

     “Hi Verdi,” Thomas said.  “I’m Thomas.  I’m told that you like opera.”

     “Indeed.  That OK with you?”

     “I’d like nothing better,” Thomas said.  “Phil, it was nice knowing you.  I hope you’ll be happy here.”

     “I’m sure I will,” Phil said, with what sounded like tears in his voice.  “I’ll miss you.”

     Thomas felt a lump in his throat.  “You know what Phil?  I’ll miss you too,”

     Thomas shook hands with Joe and they walked out to his car.  “I’ll take good care of Phil,” Joe said.

     Thomas buckled himself into his seat. “And I’ll take good care of Verdi.”

     They shook hands again.  Thomas plugged Verdi into the car’s audio system and started the engine.  Joe walked to his door, turned, and waved.  Thomas waved back and pulled out of the driveway.

     “What shall we play first,” Thomas asked as he headed back home.

     Verdi thought for a moment.  “How about Don Giovanni?”

     “Sounds good.  Let’s go home.”