YOU an I

YOU AND I

I scream.

you cry.

 We are lost in these lies.

 Sometimes we try,           but it’s never for life.

 I might dream at night,             but it all lacks light.

 The darkest of skies, keeping us tied.

 A shiver down my spine,

 as I meet your eyes.

Words                    go                drip

They’re full of our shit.

 Demons creep out from every corner.

OH THE HORROR

 Block out the sun.           Put the spotlight on me.            Everything I hate.

 All in one place;

just you                                                                                                    just me

The sea of agony.

mourning this moment of eternity.

 Where all I want to do… is get away from, me.

Your voice                                                                                    your choice showing up like this

Accusations

Never having Patience

deep in debt                               with that witch                                    you wed

 no excuse

 no excuse

 it’s all on you.

Just us two?  Makes me blue.

 Thanks?                          I guess.

 For nothing new.

Just another day

 Oh sure,      feel free, to act that way.

 I can’t                                                                                                      I won’t

ever

let you stay.

 Just walk away. I don’t you want you.

But,  right here,   right now,   I can’t figure it out.

 What’s this pain?            Why this place?                How do we face?

There’s no escape.

I Scream You Cry

We are still lost in denial.

My only regret?                                                        Not hitting you then.

Your            words           cut              me               deep

I’m bleeding

 I’m week

Ever since then,               I haven’t had sleep.

E V E R Y   N I G H T

in my dreams.

 I’m chased,  down the street.

Fear for my life.

 People ask me.

 W H Y ?

 How could I be honest?

When it’s adult who lies.

Put up your front.                                                      Tell people you’re sane.

 With just a glimpse at our picture,  I’m the one who’s deranged.

 Jena,

 YOU’RE CRAZY, your dad is SO COOL!

 He acts like a kid.                              He never finished school.

 you people.

 you fools.

 you all lack knowledge

 There are   D R U G S   in his system.

 Maybe they’ll teach you in college.

 not me.

…

not us.

…

 I grew up with the stuff.

It’s an enigma to me, how he is still not in cuffs.

 As if substance abuse wasn’t enough?

 He.

Threatened.

To.

Kill.

Us.

 To     C U T         us to pieces.

you can’t blame diseases.

 when you

D E N Y               and              D E F Y

Not wanting the treatment.

 that could save you and I.

They took you that night.

 I thought you would die.

Between the look in your eyes.

 and the family tree you defiled.

 I’m truly not sure

 if I would have

cried                                           or have                                      smiled.

+

I’m evil and mean.

 I know what you think

A brainwashed, bitch.

 who slits her wrist.

But,

 you don’t know.

 you don’t know me.

The pain

 that you caused

The lessons you teach.

I’m really not sure, who I want

Deceased.

 Me?

Or you?

 Either way, it’s not new.

The hate that you showed me,

 so sneaky

so cruel

left me confused

 because I wanted love too.

 maybe I had it.

 but just never knew

 you confused me a lot,                                            with your strung out mood.

 either way, I just don’t understand

as a small child,

 how could you choose drugs over me?

 Those insults you told me?

The life that you chose?

 letting us all live, in a broken-up Home?

Tears                                         and                                           Fears

Collect, at my feet.

 bubbling up, till we’ve drowned in defeat.

Forget what you’ve heard.

There’s no cure.

Torment and abuse

 Hang around my Neck like a noose.

 as time passes it pulls tighter

 my body gets        l i g h t e r

 I                 should’ve               spoke           up

 But,

speaking     is       hard            when            you’re          choking        so     much.

What’s the sense of sadness?

 Keeping me quiet, while I try my new diet.

 no food.

 no friends.

Just wasting away

 Guilt keeps me full.

There’s nothing to say.

 you’ve helped make this pain,                                            now I’m never the same.

dark past.

 your grasp.

 keeps me here in this place

 Despite us   we are like this    

 using our vices.

Just a new way, to keep

D E P R E S S I O N

 at bay.

 See? Here’s where we are different, and no more the same.

 I went to treatment.

 I still sulk in the pain.

 BUT

 I never let drugs take over my brain.

You neglect

 and reject

all the help that you get

RECOVERY IS HARD

For both of us!

 Yes!

But, you never did try.

You’d only protest

broken voice

 no noise

in this body of shame

 You taught me well,

 To             hate             my               own              name.

 I will never let you in because of the sins.

+

I may never swim

 but that’s not a crime!

Look in my eyes when you devalue my life.

 It’s something I chose.

 To let go.

 team up with him                                                                        push me to win but on the way, you both bathed me in flames.

 not like a phoenix,

 that rises from fire,

 but like black coals: dead no soul.

 talking me down.

 push me, I drown

 “don’t let her get fatter”

but I guess it’s, OK?

when I’m part of your ladder.

 climb to the top.

 where nothing else matters.

days get sadder,

deep in these thoughts, I’m remembering chatter.

Never worth much

 when you’re beaten and battered.

 not physically no

 but emotionally so.

 the pain you both caused… a personal blow.

 keeping it hidden, the past is unwritten.

 You always to lie                                                                         so don’t even try.

at least when I cry,  my reasons are right.

 you’re a savage fool

 but do you know what’s true?

 strange as it seems,  

I can lie too.

those words           that say

“Dad I love you.”

 they may weigh a ton

but,

 they are empty and dumb.

Why should I love you?

 You grotesque Scum.

 I’m sorry!

 That thought, was one I caught,

unable to say, without feeling

Dismay.

 I should never be mean

 I learned that from you.

 even outside of dreams, we bicker and break.

I am unable to take, any more, for your sake.

we may be related.

 and for that I am  a s h a m e d.

+

 I no longer want to play these games.

Fill in the rolls

Try to play house.

I guess it gets easier?

 when you marry new spouse.

 had a few kids

just to bring us around, babysit and you’ll even pay for it.

Is that how much those kids are worth?

More than all 3 of us?

In the child support you neglected to pay mom.

 no doubt it’s a game, because it’s always the same.

 the pain,

r e m a i n s

 and you keep me in chains.

 I may never stay sane

I will always recall

 the past and the present

 the feelings involved

locked away horrors

Clawing at doors

 released in the world                                                                  shot by denial

no one allowed to reconcile.

 dagger dug deep in my mental peace.

 piercing like needles       …      no high for me.

 only losses of weight.

Feelings negate.

 I don’t want to feel.

 I don’t want to taste.

 take me away, away from this place.

 I want to go far.

I need to escape

Was there ever a time?

When life wasn’t so hard?

 when I could sleep through the night?

 without waking up scared.

without panic a-new?

 or allow me just once,

 a                  moment                 so               blessed

 when I look in the mirror,

 I don’t eschew with distress

I thought,

 if I starved.

Lost ALL my weight.

I could either:

 like my own body                                or                         disappear without a trace

 I figure

dying slowly

 was how I should go.

 I needed to.

 Suffer                                                   and                                                      sink so low.

 I did not intend

 to survive

 to grow

what else can I say?

except I’m              a s h a m e d           of all

that I’ve done.

 my behavior.

 my decay.

+

 one time, in high school

 before it got bad

 a boy I knew made a comment

so Sharp                                                                   

 he cut with his words.

 and forever left a mark.

 he told me

 People who carve out their skin

 will do so solely

for need of attention

 he said how the blade steel and cold

cut horizontally

the person with live to grow old

but when they come vertically

they’re ready to die

now the same guy, despite his small size

 reinforced my father.

 and his ugly lies.

 he wrote up a story in English that week

 of a prostitute,

 My

N A M E

 who sucked dick for money.

 the kids in my class, they thought it was funny.

but    s i x    years later,

at the age of

T W E N T Y

 A man held my hips down

 like a pot of honey.

 don’t mistake me for your playboy bunny

 I mean        

 I used to play with boys  

          and             

I still sleep with my stuffed Bunny

 but if I’m being honest, that’s the extent of the analogy.

Andin the the past 11 years,

 I’ve been homeless,

not once,

 but twice,

Both at the hands

of a M A N ‘S

demands.

 let me be free.

 back up to Heaven.

 go back down to hell.

 and my body become one

 with where my mind Dwells.