Doubts

Alexis looked at the mirror.

It had been a gift from Paris seven years ago.

Everything about this scenario was so clichéd. She really hated it. From the way she stared at her stomach, to her wishing that she could just trim off that little bit of belly fat, to wanting more feminine shoulders, she was insecure about herself Her father, Don, had cruelly mocked her since she was 14 years old. The tears in her eyes didn’t make things better either. She tried writing in her journal again to feel better, but that temporary relief of healing was interrupted by the sadistic voice she heard inside of her head. It had been a voice that Alexis had heard for twenty years of her life.

How could Taylor love her after telling her all about her complicated family life story? She didn’t even see herself when she looked in the mirror. All she saw was her mother’s judgmental stare every time she tried to think of one positive thing about herself.

Is this what abuse felt like? Was it a person pulling the tantric weeds of your soul, crushing you into a big pile of nothing?

She couldn’t stop staring into her own empty eyes. They were eyes that used to be full of hope and longing. Why did everything seem to unravel in front of her?

There was a knock on the door.

“Lexie? Baby, are you in there?”

Alexis quickly wiped the tears right out of her face. Then she rushed to open up her bedroom door.

Forcing a superficial grin, she said, “Hey babe, what’s up?”

But Taylor could already tell by her girlfriend’s streaked mascara that she wasn’t okay in the slightest. She had been down that road before when she found out that Coldplay wasn’t playing in Worcester, Massachusetts. She looked back on that memory with such fondness. One of the greatest things that she always loved about Alexis was the fact that she would always bring the element of surprise in life. While that made their relationship thrown off course, she knew that they could just get back on their lovely boat and chart the choppy waters for life.

For that was the same day when Alexis had surprised her two tickets to go on an extravagant tour to travel from Venice to Sicily, Italy.

She kissed Taylor with all of the passion she could muster. Then she took her soft, gorgeous face between her two unpolished hands and said, “You are the greatest thing that has ever occurred in my lifetime. I never want to lose you.”

“Babe?” Taylor waved her hand across her face.

She quickly came back into reality from daydreaming about a painless memory.

“Sorry, I just noticed that you were looking in the mirror again. You know I love you.”

Alexis looked down in shame.

“Listen, you can’t let your horrible parents’ words get into your head. I know that’s easier said than done, but maybe you could picture them as evil demons every time you think of them.”

“Well, that’s what they actually are, Taylor.”

Alexis fiddled with her blue-flowered T-shirt. It was one of the few gifts that she had gotten from her mother.

Her mother wasn’t always the evil person like she is now. She used to be kind and caring. Unfortunately, when it came to the men her mother dated, Alexis was always disapproving of that.

The last guy she had dated had 2 felony charges of domestic violence and even a restraining order. How could Alexis’ mother have the audacity and self-respect to date a man like that?

Alexis walked past Taylor to look into the mirror again. Maybe she was onto something when it came to thinking of her parents as evil demons.

Why was she even defending her mother? She couldn’t even say her first name anymore, for that would give her too much power.

“I just need some more alone time.”

Taylor still had a look of concern and confusion on her face. But all she said, “Okay, I’ll be there if you need me.”

She was all alone again.

Alexis was at her final destination.

Just say what you need to say and you will be out of their lives forever.

“What do you think you’re doing here?”

She still shuddered at the way Marilyn still sneered every word towards her.

“I’m ready to forgive you.”

Marilyn’s laugh was as filled with toxic venom as her voice herself. She had a badly brunette-dyed hair job, her eyes were filled with pus, her teeth stained from years of secondhand cigarette smoking. Alexis still recalled the day when she had lived in Ridgefield, Tennessee. It wasn’t like the comfortable city life she had now. It was pure hell on Earth.

The house that she had lived in was very dilapidated. Every spring and summer, every room in the house had to be filled with countless pots. Alexis was the only person in the family who cared about getting a plumber to help fix these problems.

“Do you have a secret stash of money hidden somewhere, Alexis? Look at that, Earl. Our daughter is nothing but a stupid imbecile who wants life to be a magical fairy tale.”

But the last joke was on Marilyn. Alexis was smarter than she could ever give her credit for.

“You still remember those words, do you?” Marilyn’s words and bad breath were near Marilyn’s right ear now.

Alexis’ breath was caught in her neck. “How did you even know that?”

She didn't want Marilyn here. Not now. Not ever.

“You may be different from me, but I will always be your mother. You can’t escape from me. What did you think? Did you seriously believe that everything would be better for you?”

“Stop it!”

Alexis almost punched the mirror in front of her, but thankfully, she was only able to punch a purple pillow that was innocently lying down on her sofa.

“You will never have that sick power over me again, Mother!”

Alexis was assertive, but only for a temporary time.

She still struggled with the conflicting emotions of pain, shame, and guilt.

Did she even have the right to be selfish?

Despite the fact that everyone in her past was gone out of her life, Alexis still had to tell herself the affirmations her therapist, Dina, had told her when she first moved to Brookline, Massachusetts. Alexis didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that her family was filled with unsupportive assholes, but her therapist was too blunt to tell her otherwise.

While therapy wasn’t entirely unknown to her, she was skeptical about going down this rodeo again: clarifying the insurance, making an appointment available with someone who looked like her for cultural reasons, writing a list of issues to discuss in therapy, with the help of her “lovely girlfriend,” as Taylor liked to boast about, and making sure that it was only a fifteen minute walk from her comfortable apartment. And even though Alexis lived in Brookline, she had to clarify to people that it was actually North Brookline.

She had let Taylor know that she was going to see Dina. Taylor didn’t mind since she was working on another mystery novel this October. They kissed each other goodbye.

“Good luck at your session, babe!”

“Thanks, I’m going to need it!” She said as she turned around and closed the door.

The dog, Tyler, whined sadly.

“Don’t worry, bubby. Our girl is stronger than she knows.”

***

When people still didn’t understand the difference between Brookline and North Brookline, she just told herself that they were imbeciles. Just like her parents. Not that it mattered to begin with.

Dina and Alexis were the only people who knew her parents’ real names: Don and Betty Edward.

While their names didn’t sound insidious on paper, they made up for that foul behavior in real life.

She recalled the time when she and her wardens, as she liked to call the people who raised her, to a mall. Betty had made such a disrespectful comment about a lovely dressed woman who had Prada sunglasses and a good looking NBA husband.

“That cunt. She looks like such a tramp.”

Normally, Alexis would let words like that slide, but she wanted to be assertive towards her mother.

“Mom, I don’t know how to put this into kinder words, but that is the bitchiest thing I think I have ever heard you say.”

Betty’s Mom had that same menacing grin she had from before.

“Do you want to dial that up a bit, Alexis? Because I’m the parent and you’re not.”

“Who cares? You thought it was okay to degrade another woman just because of the way she was dressed. Look at you. You don’t even exercise, let alone take care of yourself.”

Alexis didn’t wait for Betty’s response. That day, she decided to move to Massachusetts. No more Tennessee. No more crappy mediocre life. Just happiness with Taylor.

She didn’t even have to tell her father anything else.

Don had joined in with Betty, and as always, took her side.

“You won’t survive without either of us, Lexie!” he shouted that day.

One day, Alexis had found her secret stash of $6900. She didn’t expect to tell Taylor, because she had unexpectedly showed up at her house.

Taylor had been like a Christmas present delivered in the middle of summer. Literally speaking. She and Alexis had been best friends since sophomore year of high school.

Then again, she might as well have been the perfect combination of spontaneity and stability wrapped up into one.

Trust wasn’t exactly a luxury that she could afford to others, let alone herself.

But there was something about Taylor that fascinated her. She had green hazel eyes that made her want to travel anywhere. While she wasn’t feminine, her badass style with her pixie blond hair made her look amazing.

Maybe I should go shopping with her instead of her parents.

Which was why she trusted Taylor with the $6900.

“Holy crap, Alexis, where did you get all of this money?”

Both of the girls were outside in Ridges Forest. It was the one escape Alexis had to run away from her toxic parents.

“It started when I went to do my waitressing job, which led to saving $1000. Then, I saved another $3000 from watching all of the kids in the neighborhood since I really love children.”

Taylor quickly calculated the amount in her head. “That’s $4000. How did you get the other $2900?”

“I know a friend that has a trust fund. I can’t tell you his name, but he was able to spare that amount of money because he felt sorry for me.”

“Can you promise me something?”

“Of course.”

“Promise me that you’ll see a therapist. Your parents are assholes and I love you so much.”

Alexis listened to her intuition. She was in front of Dina’s office building. She still remembered that day she left Tennessee and never regretted leaving.

Which is why she told Taylor, “Yes, definitely! For the record, I think they’re assholes too!”

They laughed until tears were in their eyes.

When Alexis went inside, the Brookline Medical Center had a welcoming atmosphere. She knew that sticking to therapy to heal her trauma was the right decision for her. For the first time in 22 years, all of the doubts were finally banished from her heart and soul.