I Have a Plan

I Have a Plan

“I’ve got a plan. This is the one for sure. But just in case, how many more times can we rub the lantern and still call the genie?” Kevin asked. 

“Two,” Brian replied while turning over the lantern in his hands. “I can see two more dust patches near the handle. That means two more chances to rub.”

“Okay, two more. Let’s see. Two rubs with three wishes per swipe after the genie is released means six wishes. Minus two wishes each time to reset if we need to. Which leaves four wishes left overall.”

“No, three wishes actually. We have one wish to make and one wish to recover if the wish fails. And let’s face it, that’s all we’ve had for a very long time is failure. So, one wish granted and one reset wish equals two wishes per chance. Divided into six wishes and we have three more chances to get something right,” Brian calculated. “That makes three wishes. You understand?”

“Got it. Three wishes.”

“So, what’s your plan?”

“Well, I was going to wish for the temporary power of the genie. Sort of borrow his power by proxy so I could control all the wishes and get us out of here. That’s my plan.”

“No, sorry, won’t work. David tried that, like, what around fifty wishes ago. Remember? He wished to become the genie. The genie laughed, and David melted into blue vapor. Then Margaret came unglued and attacked the genie. You know she and David got close during their last wish effort together. They almost succeeded too. Remember how the genie immobilized her till she calmed down.”

“Yeah, sorry. Do you think they are still alive?” Kevin asked. 

“Who knows? I hope so. The genie said it would take David somewhere around a terabyte of years, if he even survived the training, in order to achieve his first level djinn status and be able to return to earth as a genie. Then he took Margaret away to punish her. He didn’t do that with the others. He said they were just “involved” in fulfilling their wish and couldn’t return at the moment. I think he’s changing the rules. All that new hooey about a wish not being undone unless wished by the original wisher. I think we were close to beating him at his own game and he didn’t like it.  I do hope David is okay though. And Margaret, and Justin, and Susan.”

“Susan. Ahh, Susan. How could I forget Susan? I mean it feels like a thousand and one years, but still?

“She disappeared almost at the start when we first explored this damn cave and found the lamp. I don’t know how many wishes ago. It took a while before I began marking the wishes there on the cave wall, see?” Brian pointed.

“I see the S for Susan there in the rock face. She wished to be, what, like young and beautiful forever and the genie turned her into a new star constellation. That was a bit weird. And all Justin wanted to do was feed the world and the genie turned him into fertilizer and dumped a bunch of dirt and seeds on him. Then David and Margaret tried to out trick the genie and we saw how that ended. And now us. I have to ask, whose lame brained idea was it to explore this stupid cave in the first place?”

“Yours,” Brian sighed, “You ask that, like, almost every wish.”

“Maybe. We’ve had so many wishes, I’m starting to get confused by it all.”

“Me too. Speaking of wishes, what should we wish for this time. The sand is almost drained out of the hourglass, and he’ll be back soon.”

“Well,” Kevin thought out loud, “We’ve tried almost every permeation each of us could think and none have worked out. Somehow, he always twists them to his evil purposes, and we lose. We’ve tried to be super specific and literal. We tried film based and book-based wishes, fantasy, multi-verse, and even hyper realism. That last wish was what, seventeen sub-categories of “no” including no war, no hate, no pride, no loneliness, no hunger…you know, nothing that will harm us. I forget the rest.”

“Yeah, well it didn’t matter in the end, now did it. No means no according to this genie. No food with additives because additives cause obesity and heart disease. No alcohol because alcohol is poison to the liver. No sugar, no preservatives, no carcinogens. Not even sex because of all the sexually transmitted diseases. And no talking in case someone says something rude making someone else feel depressed and suicidal?! That was truly a sucky wish world. We had to spell out our wish cancellation in the sand for that one, remember?”

“Uh-huh. Well, why don’t we try something short and simple which even the genie can’t mess with. Let’s just reset the whole thing to before we walked into this cave. It should prevent any paradoxes the genie can exploit, right? What do you think?” Kevin asked.

“I suppose. We can try. We haven’t tried it that simply. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, we can always reset for the last time I suppose.”

“Okay, I’m game. Rub the lantern.”

Brian gently picked up the golden lamp and rubbed off the small smudge of dust near the back handle. The blue genie poured out of the spout in a cloud of blue smoke before materializing into his solid, classic genie form with red sash and all.

“You called, you little shits?”

Brian wondered for the umpteenth time why the genie had behaviorally started like Robin Williams from Aladdin only to change into Severus Snape from Harry Potter these last few dozen wishes or so. Why was he no longer being benevolently nice, but sarcastically rude and insulting?

“We did,” Steve answered. “I am ready to make a wish.”

“Alright. Make your wish you slimy toad, I’m busy.”

“I wish to reset everything to the beginning before we found this cave.”

“Aww, what’s wrong dipshit? You tired of playing? How about you, Mr. Pees-his-pants whenever an itty-bitty lion chases him about, that your wish too?”

Brian looked over at Kevin, “I don’t have to wish yet. That’s the rule. Grant Kevin his wish and we will see where we go from there.”

“Coward,” grimaced the blue genie. “Alright, you little d-bags, here you go.”

A flourish of the genie’s blue arm, sparkles of light, and Kevin and Brian found themselves back on Kailali beach in their swim trunks standing just outside the entrance to the cave. Both were young again, twenty and twenty-two. And both realized this was the moment just before they discovered the cave and called Margaret, David, Justin, and Susan over to join them in exploring.

“So far so good,” Kevin says. “Now let’s forget this cave and go join our friends.”

“Most def’!” Brian replied. But then he realized something was wrong. Kevin was shrinking. Well, not shrinking so much as reverse aging. “Oh no! Oh crap! I think you’re growing younger.”

“Yeah, I can feel it. Oh, that fucking genie. I said back to the beginning before the cave. You don’t think that meant? Oh, he’s such a bastard. What do I do? What do I do!?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think we can do anything. Just maybe ride it out till we get back to the cave?”

“Okay, okay. Like I have a choice. I hate that genie. Why can’t he just be cool and let us have a good wish for once? Or just let us go?” 

Brian watched as Kevin reverse aged from twenty-two to fourteen in eight minutes. Each year taking a minute. Fourteen to nine. Then nine to four. He held Kevin steady for a few minutes before picking him up when he reverted to one and could no longer stand on his own. He then rocked him in his arms crying softly till the remaining minute ended and Kevin blinked out. For a brief second, Brian thought he saw an ovum egg in one hand and a sperm in the other before the end. 

“I wish to cancel this wish,” Brian sighed. And then everything went white for him as well.

Brian didn’t know how long, but he found himself back in the cave alone holding the gold lantern with one dust patch left on the backside.

These last wishes, Brian thought, have to work. I have to figure it out and save us.

Brian sat down at the base of the cave wall where he had been keeping a record of their wishes and consequences. He didn’t feel any closer to truly understanding how to make their wishes right, but he knew it was too late to stop now. Spontaneously, he remembered a saying his grandfather used for such occasions whenever one of his kids or grandchildren expressed a wish out loud. 

“Well,” his grandfather would say, “put your wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which fills up first.”

Brian never quite understood what his granddad meant but he understood their cave wishes had certainly added up to a lot of shit. And now every time someone came close to beating the genie, the genie made them disappear. Only he was left. 

Brian began scratching Kevin’s name into the wall while debating the next wish he planned to make. Or should he even make a wish? He had begun to consider what if the whole point the genie was making had to do with wishing for that which you had not earned. Wishing as a form of selfishness. Maybe the point was not to waste time wishing for power, riches, whatever, but appreciate the life one had. And to earn that which one would wish for through hard work, discipline, and stewardship toward your fellow human being? 

Would the genie even give up the secret to the wishes if Brian asked? Not if he wished for it obviously.

Brian thought back to his mythology classes from college and seemed to recall the dangers of genies and djinn characters lay in how they chose to interpret the wishes humans made. Genies had their own set of rules which weren’t always in the human’s best interest. He also recalled a genie’s power was linked to a specific, tangible object in space and time which represented both the dangers of their powers as well as the benefits. What if he destroyed the seat of the genie’s power here on earth, namely the lamp? Would that end the whole game and bring his friends back? Or would it seal his and their fate? Or should he appeal to the genie one last time through the last remaining wishes?

Brian glanced over at the hourglass noting how fast the sand was falling; counting down till the genie reappeared and his next wish was required.