Jupiter's Journal

[Warning: this book contains talk of suicide, briefly alcoholism, very brief domestic violence, as well as arguing]

   It was April 12th the day of the first incident.

I was polyamorous, and was in a polycule of 6 people, and we loved each other to death.

   Arlo Rosendale, my first love. Every day in the beginning we’d text, or call, or see each other in our classes. Though I was fifteen, my parents were overseas, so I lived alone. They sent me money for food and bills, so I wasn’t starving. Slowly, everyone in the polycule asked me out, or I asked them out. It was strange, seeing everyone do so, but I had seen it happen with others, and I genuinely loved them, so I brushed it off.

   I met Mercury West at a protest, along with my childhood friend, who changed their name to Helios, Helios Solaris, something drastically different from their deadname. It was a pretty name, though, just like them. We were all trans, and it brought me great comfort knowing they all related to what I’d been through as a trans man.

   I had met Asphodel Edwards on a group call. We hit it off well, and though being over a year older, we became close fast. Soon enough, every night we called until two in the morning.

At the time of the incident, I had just asked out Selma Eriksson, but even then, it wasn’t hard to see he was a kind, loving person.

  That fateful night, I was with Arlo, on my couch watching TV. We hadn’t seen each other in person in weeks, and we hadn’t called in several days, either.

“Hey, we’re still on for that sleepover on Saturday with Asphodel, right?” I asked.

“Oh… I made plans with Mercury over that. I’m sorry,” they said haphazardly.

“Again? I-I mean, it’s fine.”

“What? Is it wrong that I wanna see my partner?” they got defensive.

“No, its wrong that you’ve canceled our plans 4 times now because you felt like seeing him. We could’ve invited him any of those times, but instead you made plans over them and brushed it off like it was a coincidence.”

   I stood up, contemplating leaving to breathe.

“Well, what can we do? I have a bad memory, okay? I missed him.”

“You missed him?! Do you know how long it’s been since you’ve seen Asphodel in person?”

They were quiet for a second.

“I’ll tell you, the last time was February 25th. You know he has abandonment issues. When was the last time you saw Mercury? Yesterday. Over our plans, I might add. I’m done with this. I fucking miss you. I’m glad you love him, I’m glad you two have such good chemistry, but you have 4 other partners. Step up, get your head out of your ass, and be a better partner.”

He stared at me for a moment. There was a long silence.

   “Jupiter… what the fuck? I asked you to stop bitching about us seeing each other so often, why are you still doing this? Why are you so jealous?”

“Because of February 12th. That day when you just felt like seeing Mercury but didn’t cancel our plans? Why does that date ring a bell? Hmm… maybe it’s the same night I got admitted to the mental hospital.”

“What, are you trying to say I was the sole reason you had to get sent to the emergency room and the mental hospital?”

“No, I’m saying that I snapped and had a breakdown, and my tipping point was your selfish bullshit!”

   I put a hand over my mouth. I had been holding in so much pent up anger and agony from their habits of abandoning us, the words slipped our before I could stop them.

Tears formed in their eyes. “Get the fuck out,” they said, voice breaking. “I should be the one leaving, but I’ve got no way home. I think it’s best if you leave for now.”

I silently grabbed my jacket and beanie, and put on my shoes. I walked out the door. I turned around before I shut it.

“I’m sorry I’ll never be your first pick. Please don’t make it so obvious that I’m not.”

They opened their mouth to speak, but I slammed the door.

   I got on my Vespa, and drove off. The sun had nearly set, and I rode to Starbucks, about a mile away.

The barista smiled when he saw me. “Hey, Jupiter! The usual?”

I nodded, holding back tears. “Yeah. Thanks, Kenny.”

“Oh, I know that look. You said yesterday your partner was coming over… did you break up?”

  “No… we got in a fight, and… I-I’ll be fine. It’s $4.81, right?” I pulled out my wallet.

“It’s on the house. I’ll get you a free brownie, too, I know those are your favorite.”

I smiled, despite the tears streaming my face. “Thanks, man. I really needed that today.”

   I sat down at my favorite table, and waited. My refresher had more juice in it than normal, which made it taste better. I quietly left, and drove to my secret hideout. It was an old bridge. I put my refresher in my backpack’s water bottle holder and started to climb. I sat down at the top, and started eating my brownie.

It was a bridge overlooking an abandoned railroad, but occasionally trains would come by. I sipped my drink, and decided to dangle my feet over the edge.

   That’s when the first wave of intrusive thoughts hit. It would just be so easy for me to just hop over the edge. I didn’t want to see Arlo, but I couldn’t go home. Home didn’t even feel like home anymore. And if this relationship deteriorated, I felt like everyone else would leave. I could just end everything. It was so convenient, too.

   I grabbed my phone and called Selma. No response. They were in Sweden, so it was the dead of night. I called Helios next.

“Arlo told me about the fight, are you okay?” they said.

“Darling, I…” I choked back a sob. “I think I’m gonna…”

“Hold on, where are you?” I could hear them tapping on their phone, checking my location via Snapchat. “Honey, no,” I could hear the panic in their voice. “You are 15 years old. It’ll get better, please don’t go.”

“It won’t get better. It’s only spiraled since last time I tried. I-I’m sorry.”

“Please, just stay on the line. You’re too far for me to get there in time, but please just stay here for a moment.”

And so I did. We talked about it, but I was still too sure tonight would be the end.

   I heard footsteps. Running footsteps. I turned around to see Asphodel,  and Arlo sprinting at me. We all lived somewhat close to each other, and it seemed like everyone biked there. Mercury pulled me away from the edge and tackled me in a hug before I had time to react. Asphodel got my phone out away from the edge.

“We’ve got him now. You saved their life, darling. Thank you,” Az said to Helios. They hung up.

   Once I stood up, I started to run towards the edge, but Mercury grabbed my hood and pulled me away.

“You’re not going anywhere, dear,” he said gently. “Now here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m not letting you drive anywhere. Arlo knows how to drive a Vespa, so you’re staying in the sidecar. We will not be letting you drive or bike, I don’t trust you enough to not drive in front of a car. He had to ride on my bike’s collapsed basket, anyway, so it’ll be fine. I love you to the ends of the earth, Jupiter. At least one of us is staying over so you don’t kill yourself.”

   I couldn’t even speak. I nodded, and he held my hand as we walked over to my makeshift ladder. I was wearing a long chain belt, so Asphodel grabbed the end in case I tried to jump.

“Am I being kidnapped?” I tried to joke, desperate to lighten the suffocatingly heavy mood. Asphodel and Arlo laughed a little, and Merc smiled weakly, but they were all just so serious, the silence was deafening.

   I got in my sidecar.

“Merc, I need to cancel Saturday,” Arlo said.

“Why are you saying this now? Time and place, Arlo.”

“I had a date with Jupiter that day, and I chose our plans over theirs even though we made theirs first. That’s what the breaking point that caused this spiral was.”

“If it’s okay with Jupiter, Mercury can join us. I missed you, too, Merc.”

I nodded.

   We started driving home. I gave them directions, and when we got to my house, my Rottweiler, Lolly, tackled me. She licked my face and laid on my chest. She knew something was wrong.

“So who’s staying?” Arlo asked.

“My parents are on a date night, and they’ll probably be wasted by the time they get home. I’ll stay with Jupiter,” Asphodel said.

“I can, too. My sister probably needs a break from my bullshit,” Mercury smiled weakly and tried to pull Lolly off of me. She growled, but complied.

“I was already staying,” Arlo helped me up.

We went up to my room and watched my favorite show on my laptop with some tea. I could tell they were trying to take my mind off of it, and it was kind of working. I loved them to the ends of the earth, but I was so bad at trying to express what I needed. Mercury pulled me close and we cuddled, and it felt like the world melted away. I felt so safe and comfortable there. 

I wish I could say it’s gotten better. I wish I could say everything’s just fine and dandy and all our issues were resolved, but it’s only gotten worse. We keep having these fights, once it got physical, every time I’ve left, and every time I’ve had to call one of them to save my fucking life. I’m a shit partner, it’s wild to me they keep listening and still keep telling me not to end it. I’ve given good reasons, but they still come to my rescue. It’ll never get better, there’s no way to. 

Standing atop my secret hideout one last time, I just sent my last goodbye text to my father. Asphodel will take care of Lolly until my parents can make it home. Goodbye. Asphodel, Mercury, Arlo, Helios or Selma, if you find this, I love you. I’m sorry.

I’ll see you on the other side, fuckers.