Berries and Sunshine

Twenty-six years. Birthdays, school events, sleep overs, trips to the mall... countless days spent together over the course of twenty-six years. You know, that is an entire lifetime in some circumstances. It felt like a lifetime to me.

Now as I sit here waiting at the airport, I realize a scary fact for the first time: I don't really know a thing about the person that will be stepping off of that plane. How could I? We haven't seen each other in five years and barely kept in touch by other methods. She went off to travel the world, to make a difference. I stayed back and lived my simple little life in our hometown, traveling only as far as my Ford Focus would carry me.

I'm worried and I feel more and more anxious as time ticks on. God, what happened to me? I was going to do incredible things, too! I had plans. I had dreams. Did adulthood really overshadow my aspirations with silly temporary responsibility? What made things so different for her? How could she push past expectation to do exactly what she wanted without even an ounce of obligation or fear?

She has always been fearless. I suppose that is how you would put it. Since we were little kids playing with Mr. Potato Head in Kindergarten she never cared about upsetting anyone. She has always said what was on her mind and didn't care if someone took it any sort of way. I'm not like that.

And that is why I'm the one sitting at the airport waiting for her while she flies in from a five year voyage.

I hear the bustle of activity and look up from my phone to see people pouring in from the terminal. This was it. My nerves are on fire. Would I even recognize her? Of course I would... she will still be sporting strawberry blond braids with pink overalls... right? Crap, I should have known to ask what she would be wearing!

It is her smile in the crowd that catches me first. Oh, that simple, perfect smile. Cherry red lips with the cupid's arrow point, teeth not terribly white but lovely all the same with the tiny gap and chip of the top right. Her eyes are brought to a squint with glistening cheekbones powdered with highlighter to catch even the saturated light of the airport. Her strawberry blond hair is a shade or two lighter, most likely due to long days spent in the sun. The light yellow sundress forms around her figure with delicate simplicity, gently swaying with her while she moves toward me. She saw me right away, not a moment of hesitation.

"You are such a sight for sore eyes! That flight was horrid. You'll never know how thankful I am for solid ground!" she giggles as she hugs me tightly and plants a quick peck to my cheek. She smells sweet, but not like perfume. It is almost like berries and wine and sunshine. It makes no sense to me, but I breathe it in all the same. She grins again after she pulls away.

"Hey, is everything okay? You're a million miles away." She raises her voice to make herself heard over the deafening of the crowd around us. I can only nod before finally finding my voice again.

"How many bags are coming off?" I ask her while we head to the belt.

"Oh, only one. I sold the rest. No sense in hauling so much material back and forth," she answers breathlessly. She spots it quickly enough - a hot pink roller with an ID tag in the shape of a cassette tape. I bought her that tag back when we were in middle school. It originally held her name and home address and was attached to her alto saxophone case for when we would travel for marching band. Now that old tag has seen more of this old world than I ever will.

"Let's stop by Mad Goat on our way home. I am absolutely dying for a real espresso. I'll forever be spoiled by Italy!"

"We've got a while before we'll be anywhere near a Mad Goat. Hopefully they'll still be open by the time we roll into town."

"If not, it's okay. We can always just go in the morning."

"Tomorrow is Sunday. Mad Goat's closed on Sundays..."

"What? Since when?"

"Well... I guess since COVID. I don't really remember. I think that is around the time they made the change. A lot has changed in five years."

I can feel her eyes studying my face but I keep my sight forward. The last thing I want is an awkward eye-contact.

"Something's wrong and you aren't telling me. What's the matter? Is everyone all right?" she asks and I immediately notice the desperation. We still continue walking, though the pace might have increased.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Tell me that something is wrong just because I'm quiet. I don't have to always have something to say for things to be okay."

"You're right... but I can tell when something is off. And you've just proven that something is definitely off, so spill."

"You didn't answer me. Why do you do that? It wasn't cute when we were kids. It wasn't cute in high school, or college. And it certainly isn't cute now."

"Are you upset with me because I asked you to pick me up? Honestly... if I thought you would be angry at me I never would have asked. I actually thought you wanted to see me..."

"I do! Kate, I do."

"I realize now that this was probably a huge inconvenience for you. I'm sorry. I'll pay you for the gas and your time. I seriously thought you'd -"

"That I'd what? Be overjoyed, standing there with a sign with your name and a bouquet of flowers? You left for five years. You've been gone for so long. It's like... it's like you're a completely different person."

We are both quiet. The sliding doors part and suddenly we are embraced by sunlight and a strong Illinois wind. The hem of her sundress is caught, fluttering along with her loose hair. She looks like a heroine from a romance novel, but her face is downcast. She stops walking and begins to dig in the pocket of her oversized black handbag that she obviously tasked as a carry-on for the plane. She places a pair of large sunglasses on and then she grabs something else from deeper in the bag, finally pressing it into my hand hastily.

"This is a hundred dollars for all of your trouble. I'm sorry for being inconsiderate. Go ahead without me and I'll call for a cab. Thank you for meeting me... it was wonderful to see your face."

I could see the trails through the foundation and highlighting powder that the tears created. She looks away from me but I grab her hand again. Her nails were even delicately crafted into coffin shapes with a pearl luster coating each one. The wind carries her scent toward me again.

"This was not an inconvenience. That was never the issue. And I know that you know this."

"Then tell me what is wrong! You know that I hate this! I hate feeling..."

"Feeling like a burden? I know. Damn it, Kate. You were never a burden!"

"I'm so confused... why are you acting this way?"

I feel like exploding! Five years. Five years out of the twenty-six years of our relationship and after all this time, after seeing her like this - it was too much.

And she was absolutely clueless!

"When you left, you broke a piece of me that I never thought that I would ever recover again. I was so sure that I would never see you again. Kate, you became a spirit. You left so quickly, there are still things at the apartment that I don't touch because it feels like I'm desecrating a shrine. Seriously... you just picked up and left and expected everything to just... just be okay?"

She is studying my face again, but I don't care. She needs to hear this. She finally needs to hear this.

"How could we spend almost our entire lives side by side, move in together, make plans, and then out of nowhere you decide to travel across fucking Europe without even telling me? For five years. And then just come home when you got bored. You're confused? I'm confused! No explanation. No warning. Just wake up one morning to tell me to drive you to the airport, and that's that."

"You knew from the very start that this was my plan. I have been saving for this trip my entire life! You knew it was going to happen -"

"I thought you would care enough about me to tell me that your plans only crossed mine if it was convenient for you."

She is shaking her head and the tears are falling onto that lovely yellow dress still folding with the wind.

"I loved you. I loved you with too much trust. I defied logic for you. I stayed home and paid the bills, hoping and wondering if you would ever come home again. I refused to leave our apartment and picked up sometimes three jobs at once to be able to cover your half of the rent. It hasn't been easy. And I feel as though it was all a waste now, because you never did understand my love for you."

"Alice, please -"

"Thanks for the money, but I don't need it. If there's anything at the apartment you want, feel free to come by and pick it up. The lease is up next week and I'm moving to Florida. I'm done waiting on a dream. It's time for me to live, too."

It is a sweet relief to open her soft fingers to press the crumpled bill back into her palm. Funny how relief also has the annoying sub-feelings of guilt and sadness, but I will always embrace what makes me true to myself. No more hiding and no more holding back. No more being the responsible adult trapped in a non-existent relationship with a spirit.

The only truly devastating take away is just how she was a stranger to me until the very end.