Brother.

At first, i thought guilt would consume me; burn me from the inside out.

But it didn't, not immediately, but progressively.

I was just a poor lawyer with a career going nowhere, what was i supposed to do? I couldn't wait, not a single minute; not a single second.

I remember you everytime i go to sleep; and also when i wake up. I always knew you had a great future; unlike me, you would never get into any trouble, you were one of those smart little kids that would spend the whole day listening to music in his room, watching his favorite films; and let me tell you, i was proud; proud that my little brother was meant for a better life, a life that i could never aspire to.

It was hard, and you knew. when mom and left us, i just broke into pieces, but what hurted me the most was that i had to lie to you; tell you that they had gone on a trip and were not coming back, when the truth was another. I locked myself into my own world and let all my demons free. I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most, not at first; i had to work things out on my own before i could ever attempt to guide you into this violent, unfortunate, and never ending chain of events called life.

I knew you never liked living in a foster home, you wanted your own space; i could take it, i was more of a social person; still, you were a little kid.

I remember your graduation, it was a sunny day; you were happy about finishing high school, you use to say it was boring; even having all those friends, you'd still feel alone, and again i was sorry i wasn't there for you; but i had to work my own way into this life.

Our people, our essence; our roots, our style have never been truly appreciated in this world, black or brown skin. It didn't matter, not to me; i was aware of the reality i was placed in. But you, you were a whole nother business; you were smart, you had good grades; and by the time you graduated, you had already written your first novel. Even having all those prestigious college offers, you decided to come my direction; you wanted to be with me. That night i want home and cried, even happy moments used to make me cry; i knew i needed help too, i wasn't fine; this sadness that would never fade away, not one minute.

But eventually, we grew up. You became a very renowned novelist, and i was a moderately successful lawyer, we both had great lives; we used to meet for a joint or a beer once in a while, we had busy schedules; you more than me.

When little gabe came into this world, i felt a spark of joy that i hadn't felt in a long time; things were different now, now i wasn't supposed to take care for you; now i had to take care of mi little boy. But i'd always be there for you.

Little susie was a surprise to you. I remember the night you found out Emily was pregnant, you called me in the middle of the night; it was around two in the morning, you sounded agitated; nervous, you were crying and telling me how you were not ready and that you didn't have what it takes to be a father. You turned out to be a real good one by the way.

That morning you took the first flight here, i was trying to be strong until you arrive; it was a mortifying morning, an the scariest moment of my life... so far (That's one of my jokes, you know how i am.). Gabriel, my little kid; was diagnosed with leukemia, when i arrived home; i had to lock myself in the bathroom to cry while he watched his cartoons, i didn't want him to see or hear me; not like this. You arrived and comforted me, told me everything was gonna be fine; telling me that you would help me in anything that you could, but i was still afraid, afraid for my little boy's life.

A month and a half passed by, and things were getting worse; i was having a losing streak at my job, and gabe was not better, but worse; i was giving up. Marla was very supportive to me, even though we were divorced; she was there with me and with her son.

You were at my house playing with your nephew, when you offer to go get the wine to the liquor store; it wasn't dark yet. You had gotten here about three days ago, you wanted to see me and gabe; and also you were finishing another one of your books - "This is the best one so far"- you said - "This book will be a total hit"-.

You use to write outside in the small backyard; i never knew why you liked to write here so much, having a house like yours.

They called an hour later, i was already worried; i couldn't believe it, my little brother.

My little brother was gone.

The accident was fatal and horrible, you didn't go alone; but i couldn't care less about that. I didn't sleep for a week; and gabe was getting worse, and i was almost bankrupted.

You use to keep your laptop on the living room every time you'd come here, i remembered. One day i oopened it and i accidentally came across with one of the most amazing and most beautiful novels i have ever read, and something inside me cracked; and the pain was unbearable.

The morning gabe got worst than ever, i had no more money, and you were not here to help me, comfort me; support me.

The next morning i started the car and drove away with Gabe; i didn't know where to go, so i just drove around. Eventually i came across a fancy building, but it was the letters on the entrance that called my attention "EDITORIAL", and we walked in.

It's been one years today since you left, and the book is a total success; everybody loves it.

But this letter has gotten too long now, i just want you to know that even gone you still managed to save me, and my little boy; with the earnings from the book i could afford every treatment gabe needed, along with his medicines.

Gabriel is more stable than ever and we expect him to be declared cancer free very soon.

Today i'll burn this letter right after i finish writing it, and i'll mix its ashes with yours; and i'll throw them into the sea. I'm letting you go, brother, finally.

So, thank you.

I hope your proud of me. Love you.

Your brother, Jonas.