Change of Autumn

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. Joni was at a fall retreat for her church woman's group. She was late for the bonfire because they had just had a Bible study and it so moved her to talk to God. They had been talking in the Bible study about the power of the tongue. She had been struggling with this for quite sometime. Every time she had called her mother on the phone, her mother would talk down about her sister and gossip about her. She would sometimes join in and then after the phone conversation be very sad and disappointed in herself. She knew that this is not what God wanted her to do. However, what was she to do? It seemed to occur every time she got on the phone with her mother. So she prayed to God about it and said to herself next she would try harder to tame her tongue. Only to be disappointed again that it would happen again. How could God ever forgive her? How could God get her out this situation? That was the question, the question that needed to be answered. She needed God to deliver her out of this situation. So, she prayed and asked God to do this.

When she got home, her mom called. Her mom started talking about different things, then the conversation slowly turned. "I talked to Gail (Joni's sister) today". Her mother said, " Gail got mad at me today for being a Democrat and not a Republican. Gail screamed at me today for telling her that Trump was wrong." Joni thought to herself, here we go again. God please help me, Joni thought. "Ok, mom. How's the weather?", Joni said. Joni was trying to turn the conversation around. Was this a battle she would have to face every day?, Joni thought to herself. The conversation ended with her mom and Joni had won the battle for at least that day.

Later that day, something else plagued Jodi mind that the Holy Spirit had been reminding her about. She had earned some money but always had a hard time giving a tithe to the church. She had four kids and a husband and they were always needing something. How could she give 10% of her earnings to the church when sometimes they didn't have enough groceries? She had read in the Bible that God would always provide. Why couldn't she trust God with her money? This must be lack of faith. Next time, she thought, next time I get my pay, I will tithe. "I owe you", she said to God.

Every morning Joni would read her Bible and pray to God. She would ask God to forgive her for the sins that she had been struggling with. It always seemed to separate her from the closeness she so needed to feel from her prayers. In the back of her mind, God had asked Joni to do something. Something that she dared not to do. This plagued her mind too. She tried to keep it tucked away out of sight but she knew it was there. She thought, "No way!, No way! Am I going to do that ever!". She knew God loved her but she also knew that God would bring things up that she needed to work on. She thought, "why can't God just forget about it? Why is it always there, like a haunting?" It must be important to God. Honesty has always been important to God. Joni so longed to have inner joy with Jesus like she did as a child. She wanted that back. That was what she was striving for. Would she ever have that back? No, because she couldn't do what God was asking her to do. "No way!, No way! Will I ever do that!" , she thought. She was at a standstill with not moving backwards, not moving forwards. Day after day, standing in the same place where she had been before because she refused to do what God wanted her to do. She was scared to do what God wanted her to do . She was afraid of what others might think of her. She didn't have the courage to do it. After all, was it her fault that it had happened? Did she ask for what she received that God had given to her? No, she hadn't! She always questioned why did this happen? She had already been through enough as a child but to have to deal with it in her marriage too! It took Joni a long time to forgive, no wonder she had done what she did. Was it really Joni's fault that things happened the way they did when God had given her something awful to her in her life. It was so unexpected, something that would change Joni's life forever.

Joni had struggled as a child. Her parents divorced the day she was born. They couldn't stand each other. Her father had gone into a state of depression after her birth and left her mom to care for her and her sister. Her mom had gone about it the wrong way and looked for a new husband to provide for their family. The men she married were bad. They were all bad. They would beat her mom up at night with a coat hanger and eventually spill hot coffee on her sister. When that happened though, that was the end of the marriage. Then on her last marriage, her mom had married a man by the name of Harry. Joni had met Harry for the first time as a child at the age of 5. She remembers the first day she met him, she had opened up the door to her apartment and greeted him. When she opened up the door, she immediately knew as a child he was not a good man. Don't children always have that instinct. They know when someone is not good. This would be a start, a start of many years of torment.