Dunce

Dunce

“We have been through the entire gamut of possibilities, and have narrowed our search down, too, you.”

“Which job did I apply for, could you refresh my memory as I don’t recall wishing to change my position here. I am totally happy working where I am, doing what I do. I am comfortable and would have no reason to apply for another position, given that my position is not only satisfying, but my work is satisfactory; it is isn’t it?”

“The reason I bring this to your attention, is that I like you. We all like you. It is just that your position is going to become redundant. You know the company has been restructured, and the person in charge of evaluating all positions has found that your position does not fit into the projected needs of the new business model and therefore I have been asked to look at your past performance and determine which area your expertise might best utilized.”

“I see now that you put it that way. What did you have in mind.”

“Given your aptitude test, your past performance evaluations, and…”

It all got rather dry after that point. It is difficult in assessing another’s contributions, when looked at in the light of competency and the learning potential of any given subject. My job deploying the personnel policies of the corporation was difficult in the past, and that was when our level of involvement with policy was minimal. I kept track of sick leave, OSHA requirements, overtime, that sort of thing. Once in a while a harassment suit or some such thing, but basically standard protocol. Well, those days are apparently over.

Ferdinand T. Magellan, yes that is his real name, or so I must assume. I suppose I could find out for sure by using some of the on line searches we have developed to flag possible problems with employees, but what does it really matter what he believes he needs to be called.

He has made it clear by his first inner-office memorandum, that things are going to change, “Around here!” I ignored it at first, realizing that was a standard move to inspire creativity and the possibility that our job might be replaced by someone with more dedicated adherence to the new initiatives, of a, “New Day,” as the first news letter has been titled. 

Our first initiative is in a realm we have not dabbled in previously; politics. Mr. Magellan, it has been rumored, has personally contributed small fortunes to candidates he believed to be beneficial to him personally, as well as his corporate enterprises. He therefore has initiated a program to develop a new breed of politician, the kind the future will require once, “The present nonsense has run its course.” 

Our internal affairs meeting was dedicated to finding and developing that type of person. One who could be molded to fit a new entrepreneurial spirit needed in this time of climate change, environmental regulation, and overall acceptance of the fact that workers demand to be incorporated into company decisions that affect their wages and health. Mr. Magellan has put together a list of criteria that we in personnel, are to not only study, but memorize. 

We, in an effort to curtail this present onslaught of newly elected women, people of color, justice oriented and worst of all, dedicated civil servants, have devised a strategy. Our mission is to find those who will be trained to fill overturned positions, once the public is informed of the detrimental effects this last batch of do-gooders is instilling in our overly democratic and capitalistic systems we depend upon, for security and personalized progress.

This is why Homer Applebee has come to my attention, and therefore the attention of Mr. Magellan. In conducting a composite evaluation of all present employees, Homer was found to be in the bottom one percentile of those contributing anything of value to the company, and what was contributed, was unnecessarily obtuse, when attempting to integrate it into the existing implementation of the new business model.

Homer was found to be number one in his ability to comprehend useless information.  He then failed to utilize said information he was being paid to benefit the company. In other words, he suffered from a lack of a competency that was insurmountable, determined by internal testing, of course. He was, what Mr. Magellan was seeking, the perfect candidate.

I have learned over the years of studying those under my purview, that those I least expected to excel, did not disappoint me. In this case, Mr. Magellan has asked me to groom Herman for his position as a future Administrative Cabinet member, in some future Cabinet he intended to purchase. I believe I was not wrong about my initial inclination towards Herman’s potential competency, but we’ll have to see just how poorly he performs.

In the meantime, I needed to explain to Herman that his abilities have come to the attention of Mr. Magellan, and he is to be promoted to a position where less is expected, and in the process, more is to be gained. The old, less is more phenomenon I had been trained to recognize and avoid my entire working life, is now my guiding principle.  

The ultimate resolution of more with less, is, and has been, everything with nothing. Which leaves millions out of jobs, including me. Although I feel I have contribute adequately to the enterprise that pays for my six weeks in the Bahama’s every winter, that I not only feel I deserve, but have earned, I would be remiss in pretending my future is secure.

Herman Applebee’s working history consisted of having been a paper boy, mowing lawns, and because of a particularly, bad season of influenza, resulting in a shortage of people needed to participate in product trials, his volunteerism metamorphosed into full time employment. He moved from trials to production analysis within a year when several employees were dismissed, for cause.

He has remained an analyst for the past six years. He, unlike other teams, is the only member of Team F. When asked once, by me, if he felt ostracized because of his unique one-person team status, he unashamedly informed me it was most to his liking, and he wouldn’t trade his job for, “That of the Pope.”

So, you see convincing Herman he was on the verge of a breakthrough into the uncontested waters of a new politic, wouldn’t be easy. He not only didn’t want to assume a new role, but claimed he’d gladly accept less money if left alone.

I have developed a series of training exercises to help initiate Herman to the new world of politics. His first session was this morning. He was asked to find ways to disparage his cardboard opponent in a way that would not only condemn her to obscurity but do so while making himself look as if he had the best interest of his constituents, foremost in his heart.

Herman did fairly well for a beginner. He only broke down in tears twice in the ten-minute session. This afternoon, after he completes his session with the psychological analyst, we are delving into the intricacies of bribery and intimidation, with emphasis on projecting a willingness to get along, while planting innuendo and suspicion in the media, complete with pictures and tapes.

Herman told me before he was escorted by his driver to his new overly priced condominium, that he was told he could use for, “certain affairs,” allowing him more free time, in that it would reduce his travel to and from his new suburban estate.

His only concern to this point was a clothing allowance. He said his chauffer was dressed better than he was, and he’d gotten a hot tip from his hair dresser, that leisure suits were going to make, a smashing, “once again,” comeback.

I might be wrong about my initial inclination towards his adaptability to incompetence. I believe he might just make it, in spite of the present social progressiveness smothering the ill informed.