Nobody and Nothing

March 31^st, 2020 2:15 am 

Dear Diary. 

I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about today. I had gone to the store down the street to grab some potatoes, coffee and eggs. Nobody was there. Nothing was on the shelves. I bought nothing at the store.

COVID-19, Safe at Home. This was to be my last trip out. I had just wanted to grab a few essentials but nothing was there.

Nobody followed me.

 I was on the corner waiting to cross. Nobody saw me. And I saw nobody. 

I just keep thinking nobody followed me home.  I sat at the table and looked at nothing.

I’ve walked around the house. Nobody is here. I’m sure.

4:00 am

Dear Diary.

 I heard nothing and got up to check. Nothing was jumping back and forth from chair to sofa in the living room. Cupboard door was open. Nothing had been in the kitchen. Nobody was in the bathroom. I needed to pee. I decided I could hold it a while longer.

April 1^st, 2020 2:38 am

Dear…, this dear diary thing is just lame. I should just say dear Nobody as that who will read it.

I’ve been dragging all day. Begging for a nap. Fuck. Just sleep, now. It’s not that hard. Close your eyes. Stop the chatter.  Nobody followed me around all day. Whenever I turned around, nobody is here. It really bugs me that nobody is here. I think I have a fever. Throats sore. Tired.

April 2^nd, 2020 10:00 pm

I’m quarantined, well maybe not officially but the “Stay at Home” along with the furlough with this virus makes it clear I’ve no place to go. And I’m sick, I don’t want to walk anywhere anyway. 

Nothing is in the bedroom. I may sleep on the sofa. Maybe catch Godzilla or some other monster flick But no, nothing is on the TV. 

Nobody is standing in the corner across from the TV. Nobody is staring at me. Nobody is looking at me like I am a crumpet to snatch off the catering table. Nobody is sneering at me with teeth that could be fangs. Nobody is in the corner. 

Nobody scares me. 

I went to bed because nothing was on the TV.    

April 3^rd, 2020 1:15 am 

I woke up just now. Nobody was leering over me when I woke. Nobody made cooing noises that made my skin crawl. I tried to get out of bed but when I looked to the floor, nothing was there. I almost fell out of bed but caught myself. I almost fell into nothing. I couldn’t see nothing looking down. Then suddenly I felt like I was alone. Nobody had left the room, nothing followed. I could see my slippers on the floor. I just may be able to get some sleep. Body aches. Coughing a lot but nothing coming out. Don’t know what this is. Coughing so much my chest is beginning to hurt.

April 3^rd, 2020 5:30 am

Nobody is lying under my bed whispering to me that I am infected. Nobody is whispering to me that I will die as my lungs fill with fluids. Nobody is chuckling to himself at the thought of me dying. Nobody murmurs that my corpse will slowly rot into the mattress. Nobody crawls out from under the bed. Nobody leans over me and pretends to comfort. Nobody will care if I die. Nobody will find my corpse. 

April 4^th, 2020 4:20 am

Nobody is in my house. Nothing is prowling back and forth across my living room. I was walking back to my room. Nobody is in the hall closet. I went to open the door, but I stopped. I knew nobody was there.

 If I opened the door and saw nobody, I., I.., Nobody hates me. I am sure that nobody hates me. Nobody wants to hurt me. 

April 5^th, 2020 11:00 pm

I am so sick and tired of nothing.  See, there they are. Nothing on the TV. Nothing in the fridge. And nobody is in the hall closet. Every time, I walk past the closet I hear nobody inside. Nobody is waiting for me to open the door. But I am not opening that door for nobody.

April 6^th, 2020 3:30 am

Nothing is causing the cabinet door to open. Every time I walk into the kitchen, I hit my head of the door.  I’ve shut that door six times today without ever opening it. Nothing is opening it. I shut it. It’s shut. Not loose. Not moving. Until the next time I walk into the kitchen and the corner hits that same spot on my head. Nothing is opening it. I have a coughing fit and the door swings open. I shut it again.

April 7^th, 2020 1:00 am

I was thinking I had some old puzzles or board games, in the closet. I forgot nobody was in the closet.

Nobody pounced me like a leopard and knocked me to the ground. Nobody grabbed my throat and leered into my face. Nobody choked me. I couldn’t breathe. Nobody laughed as I spasmed. I couldn’t breathe. Nobody made me crawl into this corner. My diary is here. I’m holding my diary. If I look at the page, I can’t see that nobody is here. Nobody wants to hurt me. Nobody will see me cry. Nobody would enjoy it if I cried.

I cried and nobody enjoyed it. Nobody left the room, leaving me curled up in the corner, feeling beaten. My chest hurts and my body aches. Every cough seems like it can’t be worse. Then it is.

April 8^th, 2020 6:30 am

I laid awake in my room all night. Nobody is in the living room. Nobody is waiting for me to come out.

But there is nothing on the TV. I don’t want to see nobody. I don’t want to move. I keep trying to sleep. But every time just as I am finally sleeping away, coughing wakes me up. Or nothing gets me up. I had to get up and walk around looking for nothing. And then crawl back under the covers and try to sleep again.  I keep coughing myself awake. I wish I had better pillows I could stack together and prop myself up more.

April 9^th, 2020 2;30 am

I look at the clock and then at the door. Nobody was peering through the door at me. The door was shut. Nobody could push their face though the wooden door and leer at me. Nobody could do that. I dove under the covers. 

When I was little I though the cover were magic and would keep monsters away. Maybe, nobody believes that blankets can keep them away. But I hid under my blankets where nobody could see me. Even under the blankets. 

No body crawled through the door and jumped on my chest. Nobody jumped up and down over and over matching my heartbeat. Smashing my chest. Making my eyes water. Nobody used me like a trampoline jumping higher and turning summersaults before smashing their heels into my chest. The blankets hadn’t helped. Nobody could see me under the blankets.

“Nobody can see me under the blankets.” That thought terrified me. I tore the blankets from the bed. I grabbed nobody by the throat slammed them to the ground.  I slammed my fist into nobody’s face. But nothing was there, I lost my balance and fell into nothing. Falling and falling, into an absence of relationships, a world of no money or food no places to go and no theater or finals to watch.  Falling into nothing. And “Wham.” My hand hit the floor. Damn I nearly broke my hand. I was alone. Sitting on my floor. Clutching my aching hand, opening and closing my fist. Nobody should leave me alone. I’m burning up. I crawled back to bed. Alone.

April 10^th, 2020 4;00 pm

I woke up soaked with sweat. It’s like someone poured a bucket of water on me. Nobody would do that. I crawled into the shower and washed the sweat away. I had to pull the sheets off the bed. The mattress is soaked. I left the mattress exposed so it could dry. 

I felt a little better. My thoughts almost normal. I had actually slept for the first time in days.

Nothing was in the fridge. I hadn’t eaten anything for the last three days. 

Nothing is on the TV.

I looked out the window. Nobody was there. I pulled back. I sat on the sofa and just held my head for a long time. My swollen hand throbbed. My chest hurt. My head felt good on my hand. When was the last time I was touched? Had been told “Good day”? I would settle for a “Piss off.”

I wasn’t coughing as bad. There is still some tea and a little honey. Tea is something. It felt good doing something boiling the water, rinsing the cup. The tea warmed me and made me think of the times in the past when there was no nothing and no nobody.

I grabbed nothing and threw nothing right out the front door. I locked it.

I went to the window. I saw nobody. Nobody saw me. I flipped nobody the finger and held it. "Fuck you," mouthed, then shouted. Nobody turned away. Nobody disappeared down the street.

I sat down and turned on the TV. Godzilla versus Mega-something was on TV. I had my tea. I have something. And ain’t nobody going to take it from me. I am so sick of nobody and nothing that I am going to do something, be someone, and I will never have nothing again.  I drank my tea and looked ahead.

Time to plan for better days.