From a Lowly Position.

“Are you sure you’ve got the right, John Smith? Particularly, as the pair of you, I would definitely be put in the ‘Burly Class,’ and ominous in your grey suits. Whereas I am in need of a pair of binoculars to see your visages in the stratospheric realm where you reside.

“I take it you are aware that, unlike you, I dwell in the realms where dog-shit merely gets on your shoes, but with me, if I am not paying strict attention, will more likely finish up on my knuckles, so close to the ground, am I.

“I assume you ARE aware that I am of the miniature variety of human beings. I am low to the ground. I am short of not a few inches, but of feet of the measuring kind, not the feet attached to my ankles. I am small. Height impoverished; in other words, a midget, a dwarf. Are you sure you have the correct John Smith, the dwarf John Smith?

“From the size of the handcuffs, you are proffering to restrain me from possibly attacking you. I’m betting there is another John Smith that you should be looking for. What is it I’m supposed to have done. In the distant past, I’ve been accused of being a ‘Peeping Tom’ by some ladies as the bottom of their skirts are often above my eye-level and think their ‘nether regions’ which are my ‘upper reaches’ are being spied upon. Seriously, gentlemen, I wouldn’t stoop so low. No that doesn’t sound right, does it? You know what I mean.

“Why I think you have the wrong John Smith is that there are two of you and both or you, even by ordinary standards are huge. Did you think you may have to over-power me and it required two giants to render me into quiescence? I assure you I will not attack you and damage your kneecaps, so tasering me will not be required.

“Take me to your leader and I may be able to show him that I am inoffensive bordering on cowardice. I was beaten up recently by a three-year-old with his dummy. Not the kind that sits upon one’s knee, mind you, no, the type that is stuck in a child’s mouth to pacify them. So, you have no fear for your life if you persist with this apprehension.

“If you don’t tell me in which way I have offended and has necessitated the employment of such robust law-enforcement agents to arrest me, perhaps I can fabricate some felonies that may fill the bill. Did I sleep-walk and accost some homeless man when we were fighting for a discarded cinnamon bun? I’m very partial to cinnamon buns so I would have fought fiercely giving no quarter. Maybe I was once again sleep-walking in the nude, This I might have done in my very formative years. It was known when I was yet to be two years old, I cast off all of my wet clothing after trying to feed the ducks in their natural habitat. Oh, the scolding I got for feeding the ducks, I didn’t know where they had been. Could it be, riding a tricycle on a footpath? This I am prone to do as this type of velocipede is not strictly allowed to compete for road-space with automobiles and one where frequently it is my method of conveyance. How do these possible law infringements appeal to you? Did I get it right?

“Apparently not from what I observe in your demeanour. If I may offer up an observation, usually in these situations, the suspect is ‘frog-marched’ to the car and a hand placed upon his head so he doesn’t hit the top door-frame and have the arresting officer be accused of beating said suspect up. Have no fear, the top door-frames are well out of contention for bruising my cranium, you might have to protect me from the door-step though. Of course, you could lift me up.

“There appears to be a dilemma on your part. You stand there looking at each other, obviously in two minds about my apprehension, but are mute. Not just to me, but to each other. Whereas my failing to live up to the ordinary lofty standards of human beings, can I venture a surmise of your affliction is mutism? If it is, this I can help you with. I, as you will have observed, do not suffer from this appalling disability. In fact, I could say that I tend toward compulsive garrulousness. Even my friends of the diminutive variety tend to run away when they see me coming. I say, run, it is more an untidy loping but effective as I cannot do even that.

“Please show me the arrest warrant again. Let me see if it specifies the quarter-sized John Smith as I am sure that us John Smiths under a metre high are thin and few on the ground. I’m sure this anomaly would have been noted. If you won’t let me see the warrant, please, please, talk to me. I’m starting to get embarrassed that I am holding up my end of the conversation, but not getting a peep from either or you. I was only joking about your mutism, if I’ve offended you concerning that, I apologise. Please say a few words to dispel this suspicious attitude and the doubt on your faces that you are thinking that maybe I am not the perpetrator that you seek. I won’t make a fuss. I’ll swear that your shaking of the handcuffs at me was for amusement purposes only. 

“I haven’t brought it up before, but my temporary detention, if it extends past the next hour, will cause much gnashing of teeth and beatings of breast. I am required to perform at a birthday party for a beautiful six-year-old girl. I wish I could say she is the Mayor’s daughter, but I can’t. This, I am sure would have persuaded you, two officers, to acquaint your superiors with what would have been a tricky situation. But, holy-smoke me can only say the little girl will be disappointed that she cannot see me in full dress as ‘Alice in Wonderland,’ and join in with the others in pelting me with all manner of things. This apparently is the usual modus operandi that happens to clowns and wee folk. However, it’s a living, and I DO pay taxes.

“Please, I ask you again, please show me the warrant. Thank you. Hah, I see the confusion. It’s not JOHN, it’s JOAN Smith. That’s that bloody bitch dwarf further down the street who keeps throwing rotten fruit through my windows. She’s jealous of my success. Oh, I see. You are acting upon my complaint about her. Very well, then go and do your duty and lock up that little sod and throw away the key.