Funny Inspirational

I stare at the sun in the hopes it will blink. I am yet to succeed.

Envy is something we should want others to have towards us, it is the purest form of endearment. If you walk into a room and no one wants to be in your shoes, I suggest you turn around and walk off a cliff. So, with that logic, the higher the rank of the people who envy you the better you are. That is why for every waking moment I have in this insignificant speck of a world I try to be the best I can be. Therefore, even the gods should want to be me.

This has manifested in many ways: swimming nude in every known body of water, hunting everything in sight (making my cooks prepare it in increasingly extravagant ways), sparkling with each jewel that was birth from the ground, and last but not least my temples are bigger than theirs. That one was hard to manage, the locals had trouble getting on board saying it was ‘disrespectful’, ‘incredibly dangerous’, and ‘just a bad idea’. These are the types of people who need a close-up of a bottomless pit.

I would be concerned with their words, but I see how they look at me. Clenched fists with a slight sweat, how they take every opportunity to emulate my actions. I wore this incredible fur cape that had plumes of feathers bursting from the seams. Later that week, I saw some of the council wear a feather (clearly one that had fallen off of my display of opulence). I knew that sooner or later the heavens would notice me. Assuming they have not already, how could they not?

The sun is so far the hardest to tame, tried mirrors—burned down a small section of the city. Tried what I did with the water, but I am still peeling. I have also yelled at it about how I think it is trying a bit too hard, and yet nothing. If anything, it just ignores me, trying to create the impression that it does not care about the greatness before them. It is cute really, acting so coy so I am continuously unaware of how much I am affecting all of them. But, that is not good enough for me. I need the skies to open up with swirling clouds and beams of gold to show a shivering husk of a once-revered deity, who now kneels on the ground and kisses my feet. All with a breathless voice begging to know just how I managed to achieve such feats of awe. I am waiting for that sort of treatment from any of the pantheon, but when it does happen then I will be content.

I have a plan, this one will work. A challenge to a fight. A fight against all of them on my tallest monument, with every citizen screaming my praises. The entire known world worshiping me, loving me. It will drive them crazy. I told the council my plan and for once they had no push back. One interjected, that fool, he clearly just wanted all the attention for himself (a bit of an ego on him if you ask me). Anyways, he was quickly hushed out by the rest of my real friends who then showered me with much-deserved praises. Even saying that they have been planning something similar for a bit now They told me it would be the ultimate tribute to my greatness. The best part of being surrounded by yes men is that they agree to things before you even have to say anything.

My training had to begin as soon as possible, I was already in peak physical condition. A form I am sure the gods regretted giving me, and now had to stare at it in statue form in every one of their temples. Though, I would argue that they should thank me for the view. But, because I am nothing if not humble, my training has been testing the very limits of the human form. I was out of the palace a lot, the council did not seem to protest this as much as I would have liked, but I was assured that without me they were surely going to fall apart. However, they understood how much this meant to me and how it was for the good of our people. I could not agree more.

I was lifting boulders and drinking from streams, perfecting every swing of my blade till it felt like an extension of my arm. It took about a week before I was more than confident that I could easily best any deity that foolishly thought they could take me on. I think it was around the hour-two mark I had come to that conclusion, but to be sure I took up meditation (that was the longest fifteen minutes of my life). The rest of the week was focused on relaxation, indulging in whatever I could get my hands on, and starting fights with cowering civilians who dared to disturb me.

I knew that the gods were watching, probably shaking in their sandals. Wishing they had the drive and dedication they see before them. Our fight will be legendary, and I am sure once they acknowledge my prowess, they will have no choice but to make me their leader. Then I will be happy, not to say that I am not—I misspoke I meant satisfied, I will never be satisfied. But I am happy, as happy as anyone who is never satisfied could be. Oh, why get into it? I do not need these mind puzzles distracting me.

The fight was going to be at sundown, so regardless of domain any god could come forth and challenge me (or tell me that they want to be me, the same thing really). There were huge bonfires built, and the masses gathered, the council looked at me with the closest thing to a smile I had ever seen from them. I stood there, blade in hand and teeth gritted. I stood there and waited; and waited and waited and waited.  Storm clouds hardly gathered as the sun was gradually tucking itself behind the horizons, the stars seemed stagnant and the moon looked uninterested.

I could feel my face grow hot, it seemed that my lungs were having trouble expanding. Everyone was looking at me, they seemed to have lost their enthusiasm their eyes more pensive than I remember. I turned to the council whose faces did not seem much different. One of them stepped forward.

“Your Majesty I feel I should comment, you see this was to prove a point.” I could not even look directly at him my vision was warping the world.

“What do you mean?” Words were shaky, but I said them bravely.

“You cannot challenge the gods, they are beyond petty human emotions, they are the best of us.” I looked down at the crowd, they did not seem to be shocked by this revelation. They were in on it. “You are young, and the people needed to witness this. To see how even we cannot even defy the gods.” I was not crying, let the record show I was sneering with rage.

“How dare you! I am not some pathetic mortal who kneels for such things, I am the object of your affection the source of your envy.” Clouds swelled overhead, though my speech was so captivating no one noticed. “I am the best of us, I am the best of this world, I am better than any of them, especially them.” He sighed, and began walking up to my sturdy frame, he put his hand on my shoulder.

“Please understand, to offend them is dangerous and you are lucky that they have spared you.” I pushed his hand off of my shoulder, he stepped back the rest of the council followed suit.

“I am not one to be spared!” They started running, even the crowd had scattered in a flood of screams. They feared me, they really did fear me. I am the object of their fear, and with fear comes true power and everyone wants to be powerful. The wind picked up, the world seemed to infuse me with all the glory I deserve.

That is what I thought till I looked up.

Blinding light shot down, I could see every thread of electricity as it reached out to me.

And I blinked.

I felt everything. Over the ringing of my ears, I heard an agitated voice say:

“You’re such a prick.”   

August 06, 2022 02:06

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