What a failed sugar cleanse taught me about addiction

My fingers tapped the coffee cup restlessly.

“Ughhh this is just my luck,” I licked my lips to savor the sweet French vanilla creamer I had accidentally poured in my tea.

Yes, I meant accidentally. I was on my 8^th day of a thirty-day-new-year sugar cleanse and after demonstrating strong will against the post-holiday sweets at the office, that incident totally cramped my style. I had walked into the new year much like everyone else, optimistic and motivated to better myself. For me this betterment involved a sugar cleanse to evict all the poison coursing through my veins from the previous year. But one silly mistake killed my buzz and put me back at zero.

How could this happen? I had stopped by the coffee shop across from the agency where I work to get breakfast, meaning tea and a sandwich . Being the responsible adult that I am, I normally drink my tea black, on occasion with some milk. But after so many days of skipping sugar, my deprived tongue needed a hint of sweetness that was not all sugar. I’ll get a sugar free sweetener, I had decided when I spotted something even better on the counter. I  picked up the jar labeled French vanilla and poured, half expecting to see the dark color of flavored coffee.

Ok, at this juncture there are 2 things you need to know about this scenario.

Number 1: I am a 26-year-old woman from Namibia who has only been in the U.S for 2 years doing a post graduate study in counselling. I am not very familiar with creamers and other sugary products that govern the American society, so my first encounter with French vanilla flavoring was in this country.

Number 2: While I had used the French vanilla creamer in the past, I recently had an opposite experience where I tried to pour some in my tea and it turned out to be flavored coffee which I quite liked. Was that a mistake in labeling or did someone put the wrong liquid in the jar? I have no idea. What I do know is that I was led to believe that there is such a thing as French vanilla flavored coffee and in this instance, it seemed like a safe bet for some sweetness without succumbing to sugar.  

So back to the scene, I poured what appeared to be a creamy liquid into my tea and immediately stopped, horrified at what I had done. I took a sip and sure enough, it was in fact the sweet creamer. “Do I throw away the cup of tea and get a fresh one?” I pondered. That may have been the righteous thing to do, an indication that I was serious about my sugar cleanse. But the reality is that as an immigrant I am loathe to waste of any sort as money is hard to come by. So I went on about my business sipping my tea in shame while relishing the faint sweetness of my tea.

As if that slip was not bad enough I got a double order of French toast sticks which I thought was just bread, eggs and cinnamon. Alas, I had no idea that it was not just a fried version of French toast but a sweet pastry that would make any dessert envious. America and her sweet tooth. Yet again, I ate my French toast sticks and drank up all my tea deciding to finish what I had started and not think too much about it.

That all happened yesterday and my dilemma now is whether to continue with my goal in spite of the relapse or just reset and start afresh next week.

And this is where I get some insight into the psychology of drug addiction. Anyone would agree that sugar addiction is a real thing and is comparable to any other form of addiction. However, it took this incident for me to realize just how much my sugar consumption in the U.S had taken on an addictive form. This is due to the perfect marriage between late night study and the ubiquity of sweets in America. Slowly I had introduced an artificial form of dopamine to my brain and whenever my natural supply got depleted, a sweet treat would give me a quick fix. That is the very mechanism of drug addiction.

 The first thing that occurred to me as I walked home last evening feeling like a failure, was the power of guilt in the pattern of relapse. When I drank the French vanilla tea, I was inclined to beat myself up for “failing” but for a moment remained determined to continue. But when I ate the French toast sticks, that resolve went awash. I felt so bad that I condemned myself to a miserable day and possibly week just because of that mistake. I didn’t have time for that, nor did I find any enjoyment in feeling bad. So I took the dopamine hit, satisfied with the momentary enjoyment at any cost. This is similar to what sufferers of substance use disorder experience in their relapse cycle. In my experience with addicts I have often heard them say that after a relapse event they feel so worthless to the point where they would use more to dispel the negative feelings just to be happy again.

Don’t get me wrong , there is a measure of guilt that is inevitable when a person in the process of a behavioral change makes a mistake. In fact, I would go as far as to say it is necessary and should be encouraged in order for the addict to be intrinsically motivated. Really how can you follow through with quitting an addiction if you do not feel terrible about it? However, my relapse experience taught me that it is one thing to acknowledge a set back and still push forward, and quite another to believe that all the effort had been in vain. In my case, I have the choice to start fresh today and continue my abstinence through the 30 days but I have rationalized that it is a helpless situation. I’m still wrestling a bad conscience and kicking myself for spiraling into defeat because I allowed guilt to weigh down my motivation and depress all of my effort.  So basically, extreme guilt is bad for addiction as it causes a fixation which does the opposite of what is intended.

Another thing that became apparent to me is that we cannot always gauge an addict’s motivation from their relapse. I know that some people would laugh in derision hearing that I had unintentionally used a sweet creamer in my tea while practicing sugar abstinence. Tuh, a likely story they might say. And I wouldn’t blame them because I too would side- eye anyone that said that to me. Much the same way that I have side-eyed addicts when they tell tales of accidental drug use. Of course, some of the narratives are outright ludicrous, but the reality is that we are inclined not to believe addicts anyway, showing little empathy for their mistakes. Yet the truth is that addicts are often faced with triggers at every turn and while their motivation may be high, a series of unfortunate events could very well send them on a spiral. Sometimes they may even be so motivated that they become over confident, grandiose even, as I was walking into that coffee shop after days of turning away from sugar. Given the promise of happiness at the end of that road, it is hard not to give in.

In essence, my own mistake has given me an opportunity to walk in the figurative shoes of an addict. And here are my take-aways:

1.     While it is forthright for an addict to feel remorse at every relapse, it is important that they avoid dwelling on the guilt rather, turn to more adaptive ways to manage their emotions and keep their motivation strong.

2.     While motivation waxes and wanes in the battle of addiction, it is not always the full story in the case of a relapse no matter what we think we know. Learn from my experience. Trust me, I can’t even make this stuff up.

3.     It is unrealistic for an addict to think that they can avoid all possible triggers on a day-to-day basis. But they can stay on guard and anticipate curve balls with a network of exit plans.

At some point, I will restart my sugar cleanse. Please don’t ask me when.