A Fresh Start, Perhaps

They say losing your memory is a bad thing, but I don't see it that way. I left the person I was behind. A fresh start perhaps... 

I awoke, startled by an unrecognizable sound. Some sort of clattering was happening off in the distance. As I sat up I looked around, "Where am I?" I tried to think back to the last thing I remembered, but my mind was blank. "Is this some weird deja vu shit or what?". I got up from the bed and flicked on the lamp resting on the side table. Cautiously I looked around searching for something-anything that looked familiar. I saw a framed picture of a couple embracing sitting on the nightstand. Well, that's me, but who is that man? I thought as I tried to shake the feeling of unease. 

Remembering the sounds coming from the other room I looked around for something that could be used as a weapon. I quickly picked up a stone Buddha sculpture resting on the bookshelf in the corner of the room and held it in my hands testing the weight and durability of the blunt object. 

Holding the sculpture in my hands slowly, quietly I opened the bedroom door and crept down the dark hallway. I walked towards the light, eyes scanning in every direction like a wild animal. As the light grew brighter the hallway opened up into a huge kitchen with a tall, vaulted ceiling and a tall dark-haired man, standing at the stove cursing over a pan of eggs. 

With his back to me, he said "Well, I hope you're fine with the eggs scrambled, I was trying to flip them when the yolk broke and...."

"Don't move! Don't you dare move or I will hurt you!" 

He turned, confusion written all over his face "Anna, what's going on? Is this another one of your jokes?"

"I don't know who you're talking to but you need to leave NOW."

He started inching closer to me with his hands up in a playful shrug, "Come on, Anna let me make you some breakfast, you were pretty messed up last night."

"Last night? What do you mean? Just stay over there okay...I don't remember a thing and just who are you?!"

"Well, I knew you were hitting the bottle pretty hard, but come on, you know me... it's Eric."

Eric... I tried as hard as I could to remember something, anything, but my mind came up blank. When I thought about it, I didn't remember anything of myself at all, just who was I? And what was I doing here, in this apartment with this man? My head was spinning and before I realized it I was falling to the ground the Buddha statue hitting the ground with a loud thud. 

Eric rushed over to me and lifted me onto his lap. I looked up at the worried expression on his face and rubbed my forehead. "I'm sorry, I'm feeling a bit confused. I can't seem to remember anything at all". 

"Maybe it's best if you lay down for a bit, here, let me help you to the couch." With an arm around me, Eric helped me walk to the couch and gently sat me down.

With concern in his voice, Eric asked, "Did you hit your head or something?" 

"I don't think so, but I can't remember anything." "Well, just try and relax, maybe you're just having a bad hangover. I'll get you a cup of coffee and that journal you're always writing in, maybe that will spark up some memories."

"Alright, that sounds nice but first I have to ask? Who are you? My boyfriend?" Laughing under his breath Eric replied "Yeah, try husband. We've been married for 3 years now. Man, you must have hit your head pretty badly."

"Yeah, I guess so." As Eric left the room in search of my journal I took a moment to take in my surroundings. The apartment was absolutely stunning. The kitchen opened up into the living room. The entire parameter of the apartment was floor to ceiling windows that displayed a stunning mountain top view. In the distance, I saw a small town nestled in a valley between the rugged edges of the mountain tops.

"Wow, I thought, who am I and how is it that I can afford a place like this?" As I turned around Eric rushed over, gently placing his hand on the small of my back "Woah, easy Anna, don't want you to take another fall." 

He led me back to the couch and sat me down placing my journal in my hands and a cup of coffee on the table beside the couch. "Are you sure you're okay? Is there anything I can get you?" "Yeah, I think I'm okay. I'm just going to try and get my bearings a bit." 

"Well, I'll give you some space I'll just be in my office around the corner here." He pointed to another room off the far corner of the living room. "Thanks" I mumbled.

Still uneasy, confused, and a bit scared I started to skim through the battered, leather-bound journal. There must have been a hundred journal entries throughout the past year detailing the ebb and flow of my life. How strange I thought to be peering into a life like this- my life. A sense of deja-vu overcame me. Who am I? Why can't I remember anything? And why do all these journal entries paint me out to be a horrible person? 

Overwhelmed I set the journal down on the table and sipped my cup of coffee. The hot liquid slid down my throat and warmed me from the inside. If this is true, if this journal details who I am... or was, then I'm horrified by the things that I've done. 

I must have sat there and contemplated for hours because before I knew it Eric was shuffling out of his office and back into the kitchen. "Hey Hun, how ya feeling?" "Hey, oh. I think I'm okay, but I've got to ask.. are all these horrible things I've written about in this journal true?"

Eric laughed nervously and ruffled his dark brown hair. "Well, uh yeah I guess you were known to ruffle a few feathers once you had a few drinks." 

"Ruffle a few feathers?" I asked. "According to this journal I'm entitled, greedy, selfish, and very likely an alcoholic. I've hurt every friend I have and it sounds like I've taken my anger out on you most of all. It's a wonder that I haven't chased you away..."

Eric sat down on the couch next to me. "Yeah, well like I said it was mostly like that when you were drinking." 

"Which seems like it was kinda.. all the time," I said blushing shamefully. 

"Look," I said, "I don't remember anything about my past and I certainly don't remember doing any of the things mentioned in this journal, but I do know that if this is how I was, then I don't want to be that person anymore." 

I got up and walked to the window taking in the extraordinary view, feeling a wave of mixed emotions hit me like a freight train.

"Wow, Anna that's a pretty big thing to admit," said Eric. "It's not always easy making big life changes like that, but I want you to know that I'm here for you." 

"And I hope one day I can show you what kind of person I truly am. Maybe this is the fresh start I needed without the ghosts of the past dragging me down."

Eric took me in his arms in a gentle embrace. "Come on, let's go to the kitchen I want to make your favorite meal."

And sometimes life gifts us with people who can help us find who we are truly meant to be.