Dear diary,

December 31st 2019

Dear Diary, it's only six hours to new years and I can't stop rocking my chair! This is the year...I can feel it! 

 Amaka says I have a chance at the promotion and I can get it if I just up my sales a tad bit higher than Amanda's. I've practically got everything in the bag!  My instagram numbers are climbing by the hour and I have a brand new strategy to sell out the new book release...and yeah! I've decided to publish the novel. I know I know, I've been putting it off for forever but I'm sure this time! I've been talking to some publishers and they see bright lights for me. 

Mum keeps calling but I'm not answering till Charlie gets back. Oh my Charlie, I feel like a fairy tale love interest, just writing about him. Frankly, I didn't think the long distance thing could work, but Charlie has always been the persistent one and I can proudly say that despite the amount of money we've made for Skype I don't see our relationship ending anytime soon...dare I say ever. He's just so…

Enough of my ranting, I have to get to editing my final drafts.

Yup, I've got everything in control. This is my year!

January 1, 2020

Charlie talked about moving in together when he gets back! 

It's not sudden. I mean we've known each other four years, that's a pretty decent time to confirm that he's not a serial killer. I haven't told mum or Vanessa or Philip or Patrick or anyone for that matter. Heck, I haven't even given Charlie my answer yet. I'm just waiting until he gets back, it's only a couple weeks away. Patience, that's all I need. Hint: I'm going to say yes!

On the other hand, my sales are increasing...but not at the pace I'd like. My manuscript is done and I've submitted to a few publishers ,so fingers crossed I get a call back. 

Okay, I guess that's enough, I want to sleep. 

February 14, 2020

Dear diary, I woke up to the sweetest message in the history of mankind. That and a puppy...yes! Charlie got me a puppy for Valentine's day! Vanessa and Philip dropped the little klee kai this morning and I've been petting and stroking him ever since.

Charlie said he loved the signed football jersey I got him and had tiny bits of annoyance in his voice when he asked why I paid for his return tickets—its not my fault I want him back soon. We spent today online, chatting and face timing throughout. He just slept off because of time difference, and I'm also on my bed, ready to crash soon. 

I'm thinking of repainting this room, tho. I thought about it and I think it'll be cheaper and better if we just used my apartment as we raise the money for an actual house. I spoke to Vanessa about it and she said I should be talking to Charlie instead. OffCourse I knew that—forgive me for wanting a second opinion. 

Anyway, I still haven't gotten my call back, and Amaka has gotten quiet about the promotion. Mum keeps calling and I keep putting her off. Charlie's only a few weeks away, she can wait a while.

March 8th, 2020

Dear diary, there's this virus going around and mum is pretty shaken up about it. I told her to calm down, but you know how she is...she even asked me to drink anointing oil just to be on the safe side. I told her that's a bit extreme but she was adamant...even threatened to come over—I gulped that thing down. I don't need her frolicking around when Charlie gets here.

But still, I don't know why everyone's so jumpy about a flu. Earlier today, Amaka hinted something about us shutting down for a few weeks and all I could do was roll my eyes. My only consolation is the fact that Charlie would be home soon…he's coming next week!

I can't wait to show him Charles! (That's what I named my puppy.)

April 1st 2020.

Charlie has the virus. I wish it was a joke but he's been coughing severely and his temperature has increased significantly over the past six days. He was admitted two days ago, and I've been banned from visiting him. 

I slept in my car last night just by the hospital gates and I was chased out the premises today. 

I'm on my bed, Charles cuddling my feet, not a care in the word ,whilst I have my heart in my mouth. The doctors said I should pray...can't even remember the last time I did that, but they believe Charlie will get better. That's all I'm holding on too honestly.

I don't know how I'm writing this now, I haven't slept in a week; I've been having nightmares of the people I saw in the hospital crying for their loved ones, wailing...mourning. Images of me doing the same keep flashing in my mind to the point I can't keep my eyes closed for more than a minute. 

Mum says I should be positive and hope for the best, but I've been watching the news lately, I've been seeing what's going on. The victim count continues to climb and so does the death count. 

I need a beer.

May 4th 2020

I'm scared. I don't have the virus that's one good thing but Charlie's still in the hospital. He was moved to an isolation centre two weeks ago, and I still haven't been able to see him face to face. That hasn't stopped me tho, I've been going every single day from work to wave through his window. 

The color in his eyes are dwindling,  his shiny brown skin seems to be fading, and he's breathing through a tube but Mum and I have been praying fervently!

She said there's nothing God cannot do and I believe her. Charlie will get well and we'd move out to our own house and get married and have all the beautiful children he's always wanted. 

 I can feel it.

June 

Yesterday I buried Charlie.

July 16th 2020

Mom came today, said I shouldn't stop writing. So yeah. 

I'm breathing….that's something...I guess. 

August 15 2020

The Government reduced the restrictions a week ago and today Vanessa invited me to coffee but I declined. I guess she remembered...

Charlie would have been 26 today.

With offices allowed to open, Amaka expects me to be at work in two weeks but I have no motivation to speak to my anyone.

What else… Yeah, mum invited me to her church as a way to get out of this room, but honestly, I just want to be alone... in this room ,never to come out. I don't care how much this stupid pandemic lasts, I don't care about this forsaken year. I don't want to leave this room. I only want to be left alone. I want the darkness.

September 13th 2020

I don't like church, people kept staring at me like I was a white elephant at the zoo. I didn't like the songs during praise and I felt like the pastor kept shouting unnecessarily into the already loud mic. 

Mum suggested I join choir, and I ended up in sanctuary...maybe they'd help me clean this trashy life. 

Nothing's new…

Well there's Paul—a sickening name I know. He's the leader of the sanctuary unit and I swear he has it out for me. He constantly makes me sweep the altar and then proposes I pray whilst I'm at it. Do I really look that dejected?

I don't know why he continues pestering me tho. I know I haven't spoken more than a "yes" and "alright" to the man. Scratch that, I do know why he's pestering me...I'm sure you do too;  It doesn't matter if you meet them at a bar or alter it's still the same thing with men and I've been keeping my distance,only coming for meetings when it's time to actually clean the church and driving off once service is over. 

I don't need anymore of that gender in my life. Charles is man enough—at least he doesn't bark when I need sleep. 

October 28 2020

I was baptized today, and I let my hair out, the children at the church kept asking if it was my natural hair...lol. They were so cute. I'm thinking of moving to that department, maybe read Bible stories to them sometimes. Paul said my voice was what he imagined God's voice to be, whatever that meant. 

Mum's practically moved in, this room is my only quiet place. I need the quiet to talk to God. I've been doing that lately. Paul said anytime I feel lonely I should start talking to God and He'll hear me.  Paul's adamant that it's not a crazy person thing and I'm starting to believe him. 

I'm listening to wonderful wonder by nathaniel bassey right now, Paul sent some songs to me...they help. I don't have nightmares anymore. 

Vanessa has started coming around again, she's planning my birthday. It's going to be an inside thing . I didn't want it to be anything at all, but she's inviting no one. Just she, mum, charles and I. I've missed her, and philip, and the rest. But I'm not ready, Paul said not to rush things. God has a time for everything. 

November 5th,2020

Dear diary, Happy birthday to me! The publisher called this morning and we're starting work on my novel next week! Rachael, the editor assigned to me (can you believe it!) said the manuscript was nearly like a finished work and she didn't see why she was needed. I blushed ten times harder than I am right now. 

I thanked God before I came to write this and I swear I felt like He answered with a "you're welcome." I'm glad he's answering me.

Mum's excited about the news, but I think a good amount of her joy is from the fact that I started teaching at the children's church.

Paul was pouting throughout service, but I told him that if he ever needed an extra hand with the cleaning he could ask me. That slapped a smile on his bearded face. He's a good friend that one...he always has a smile for every occasion and I'll soon run out of space on my phone with all the songs he's been sending me. 

"Even the devil was a chorister," he tells me and I always giggle at the seriousness of his tone. 

"You can always join choir," I say.

"And defile the Lord's ears?"

That would send me flying with laughter. 

That's right, I'm laughing now. The pastor says it's the sweetest sound he's heard and Mrs Dara, Paul's mother, always has a way to bring it out of me. She's a deacon, and sometimes helps with cleaning the church, much to Paul's dissaproval. Says she's too old for manual labor and she'd always say she was young enough to carry him on her back. I could watch those two bicker for years. 

Mum started coughing a few days ago, and I've never been that scared in my life. I prayed countlessly and now she's better. Mrs Dara made it her personal job to pray with me all the time. She's been so supportive.

I like the church. 

December 31st,2020

Dear God, thank you that I'm alive. I really don't know what next year has, but I have faith that you'll pull me through. 

Thank you for Christmas, and bringing mum all the way here. Thank you for Vanessa, the children at the church, Mrs Dara and for Paul.

Thank you that although I'm in my room, silent and alone  ,I am not alone and I'm fine and good. 

Thank you for being my strength. Thank you for taking control.

Happy new Year.