Rene

Trigger warning: abuse

Hello, Rene.

I want to tell you so many things. Thousands and thousands and thousands of words, just hitting against the walls of my brain, I feel them, on the top of my tongue, they are sour, they poison me, day by day.

But I never could. And I never will be able to.

I never learned to call you ''mom'', did I? Maybe because I never saw you as one. You are merely the person who had the misfortune of giving birth to the disgusting creature I turned out to be. And after that, you became just someone I share a home with.

No. Scratch that.

It was never a home, Rene. It was just a house. Four walls, with a roof to keep them in one place. Always warm. Too warm. Hot. The air - stiff, never moving. You try to breathe in and... It wasn't even water. It was suffocating.

And a door, of course. A locked door that never opened. A route to the escape, so close, but yet so far. It was always closed, always locked and I didn't have the slightest idea how to open it... If you gave me a key, I would never even know how to use it.

You were always there, Rene. Always around me, with your big hands, wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me in a hug I never wanted, a hug I never, never asked for... ''I show my love'', you'd say. But your love is poison, Rene. It always was.

I wanted to tell you so many things, Rene. But I didn't.

Oh, and your fingers, how could I forget your fingers? Sometimes I still dream about them. These damned fingers with the longest, thickest nails I have ever seen in my cursed life, yellow from the cigarette which was always hanging from your small, lying mouth... Your fingers, Rene, wrapped around my brain, my mind, my soul, my heart, my life, my whole being, my everything...

Always there. Always in a cell. Iron bars past which I could never grow.

And that was natural, of course. You couldn't ever let me grow, could you? And why would you do such a thing? You were scared. You were acting like a goddess like you were some celestial, untouchable being...

But you were just like the rest of us. You were a rat, you were born as one, and like a rat, you would die... like all of us.

And you knew that, with your whole being, you were fully aware of the fact that if I was living and existing at the bottom of the barrel, you were the dirt under my undeserving body. But you couldn't let me see that, now, could you? Because you also knew that once I see it, Rene, I will run away. I will run away and I will never look back.

So you started to create... Illusions. Lie after lie after lie, you created a small, fragile world, a bubble, if you must, and you locked me inside. And then you swallowed the key, Rene, and you lied to me, you told me that it never existed. 

And I should want anything more than that, of course. After all, I was safe. With you, I was safe. In your bubble, I was safe. In your possession, I was safe.

But then... Despise all your efforts, Rene, I started to grow up. This wasn't in your plan now, was it? No, you cashed everything you had in the hope that I will always stay small and blind. And not only I wouldn't recognize the world outside, but I will never get recognized by it neither. And I would always stay with you. I will always be yours and you will always be mine. And I will always be yours.

You had to make sure that I will never go away, Rene. I shall never leave your side. Not like they did it, right? After all... Isn't this why you went through all the trouble of creating me?

And the resolution of that problem was quite simple. You just had to make sure that I stayed... Small enough that I could live on the palm of your hand, leaving every part of my ugly, pitiful existence of the mercy of your whims and wishes. I was to obey everything you wanted, I was to become your life-like doll, you could dress me up and style my hair, my actions, my dreams, my hopes, my wishes... My everything.

And to fulfill that, you just had to go inside. No, changing the outside world wasn't enough, making rules, coming up with all kinds of tales for the dangers that were waiting for me dared I step out of your bubble wasn't enough... No, you had to make sure that I believe you.

And you had to be everywhere. It was your duty to be everywhere. You were protecting me. Sometimes I wonder if you believed that, after all, if you say one lie enough times it becomes the truth... 

Things could have gone quite differently, you know? I never left you because I didn't love you, Rene. My fucking god, you tortured me for two decades and I still loved you, I still wanted to prove myself you... 

Oh, and I hated you just as much, of course. But inside of me... Inside of me, there was always a small lost child, who wanted to feel your touch... No, not yours. A mother's touch. Not the one that would rip of the wings of my back, but the one who would nurture them.

I couldn't breathe around you, Rene. I couldn't live around you, I couldn't exist around you... You were smothering me with your bare existence, even if you weren't physically here, I could always feel you, looking over my shoulder. Always there.

And then... You left.

You left, Rene. For two hours, you collected all tour stuff, you just woke me up to say goodbye and... You left.

Do you know what happens when you take away the heroin from an addict? A withdrawal. This is what happens.

You left me and I finally had all the freedom I dreamed of. I thought that finally, finally, I would be able to breathe.

And boy, was I wrong.

I had all this air around me and I didn't know how to use it. I didn't know how to make my lungs breathe in and breathe out. I didn't know how to make my blood absorb the oxygen from it, how to deliver it to my body, I didn't know how to live, I didn't know how to function, I didn't know shit, Rene. Because you never taught me shit. Because learning things meant that one day I will learn enough to know that you yourself are shit, Rene, and I will look through all your pity lies and I will leave you, Rene. And you couldn't stand the possibility of me leaving you, could you? So you had to leave me. You had to fucking abandon me. 

I still haven't forgiven you. 

And later, when you tried to reach me, I was still angry and I didn't allow you to. I am still angry. 

You fucking broke me, Rene, and don't you dare act like you don't know it. You fucking broke me and you fucking left me to deal with the fucking pieces. I hate you. I despise you.

And now, while I'm sitting by your deathbed... 

All I want to say is that I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry that I didn't give you a chance. 

I'm sorry that I never allowed myself to accept the fact that you were the same small, confused child that I was, that I still am. Because if I allowed myself to accept that, I was going to lose the ground to be angry. And I wanted to be angry. I was holding onto my anger more than I was doing with my life because it was so fucking easy. It was so fucking easy to be the victim, to blame you for everything. 

I'm sorry that I never let you fix it. I'm sorry that I never gave you the chance to apologize. 

I know that you tried. But letting you do such a thing would make me stop and look in the mirror at myself... And I didn't want to do that, Rene. I am disgusting. I don't want to do the work, I don't want to fix the mistakes I made, its too much work, it's so fucking easier to lie in a pit of shame and regret than to even attempt to get up.

I want to tell you so many things. As I watch them bury your coffin in the ground, I want to tell you so many, so many things...

But it's too late now.

I'm sorry... Mom.