All I need is Time

Saturday, April 07, 2007; 2100hrs

oh the pain of loving

oh the misery I go thru

….you just can't stand seeing me happy

....still I go on loving you

I cannot seem to stop playing this song over and over in my mind. Maybe I should just listen to it first..

2200hrs

I have been listening to the song on repeat. Tears streaming down my cheeks. Oh the pain, oh the pain. The agony. Can’t even see my keyboard now. Perhaps I should take a shower and go to sleep.

2400hrs Sunday, April 8, 2007; 0001hrs

It’s midnight? Oh wait a minute… its already tomorrow, I mean today. I can’t sleep, am as alert as a London Bobby. Perhaps I should swallow some pills and just be done with it. Really? Do I want to use a permanent solution for a temporary problem? Seriously? Which man is worth all that? My friends warned me about him, but no I just couldn’t get it. But he loved me. Look at my entries 2 years ago, I can see how over the moon I was. Look at this one;

             Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I can’t believe Alex has the same feelings for me! His text reads “Hey Bona, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are the sun and I revolve around you. You bring out the best in me. You are a princess, my princess. I want to hold you tight and never let go. You make me a better man. I just want to make you happy. I am so happy to have discovered you. I love you so much it hurts.”

Or this one for Sunday, August 07, 2005

Alex has the most amazing kisses. I am walking on air. We watched “A walk in the clouds” together. After that, we cuddled and kissed. He is so patient with me. He knows am afraid of getting hurt and he is taking it slow for me. Later on, he walked me home and kissed me for 5 minutes on my doorstep. I am pretty sure mama Asha saw us. Tomorrow it will be the talk of the hood. Scratch that. I WILL BE THE TALK of the hood. I don’t even care. I AM IN LURV.

I know at one point he truly loved me. I know he did. I think it is that ‘wicked witch from Harlem’ (mind you this was one of Alex’s terms for certain kind of women) that has turned his heart black.

He was really nice when we started. I know that for one moment I had the sunshine on me from both sides. I was all that mattered to him. My ideas and opinions, my feelings mattered to him. I knew what I was signing up for when I made my move, but it felt right. I was going for what my heart wanted. I was being true to myself. Why did that not matter? I had never ever gone for a man before. I don’t even know where I got that boldness.

We had been friends for so long. I had kept him in that zone. He had asked me once, why of all the women he had come across, I was the only one not head over heels in love with him, and I had burst out laughing. At the time, I thought he was joking. I looked at his face and realized he had been serious. To avoid any awkwardness, I had just brushed it lightly and told him that it could never work out between me and him because I knew him too well. He was a rake. I was a hopeless romantic. He was a certified lothario. I was a homely girl. He used and left girls crying all over town. And now I was one of them. Just Fan-friggin-tastic!

If Rehema could see me now! She would laugh until her sides hurt. My arch-nemesis. I dreaded the thought of meeting her. Perhaps I should just swallow some pills after all! The indignity of meeting Rehema and her posse! Ok sister, how about you move out of town perhaps, instead of thinking macabre thoughts?!

I am too tired of this moaning, let me go to bed. It is now 0041hrs. Goodnight (it is morning after all) diary.

Sunday, April 8, 2007; 0130hrs

This is getting ridiculous. How about I just write until dawn…Why not indeed? After all tomorrow today is not a working day. I can always sleep as late as I want. I keep returning to my good ‘ol days entries in my diary. I seem to be stuck in the past instead of dealing with the present. My hopeless romanticism in me hopes that Alex will come back and say he was wrong.

How could he leave me for such a cliché? His business partner…!! I should have known. All those business travels, meetings and late nights. I could claw the eyes out of that witch. She was always so smug. No wonder I never liked her. My friends had warned me that Alex looked too cozy with his partner, but I had just dismissed them on the basis that they were jealous. Alex had said the same thing. He had said that they just wanted us all to be equal – single, lonely and unhappy. Mind you by then I thought the sun rose with Alex and he could do no wrong. He was banking on that naivety.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Alex knows how much I loathe all the fakeness of Valentine's day. He says he doesn’t understand it but since his woman says it, who is he to argue? So he made March 21 the day we started dating to be our special day. Since it fell on a workday, we decided to do it yesterday. Suffice it to say I had the best date ever! He booked us lunch at a hotel by the South beach. I know how much he loves me to dress well, so I wore my yellow sundress and a straw hat. I had on my white T-thong sandals and made sure I had a pedi the day before. For my eau-de-perfume, I had put on Elizabeth Arden Green Tea. I took his breath away. He simply picked me up and kissed me full on and nuzzled my ears. He whispered some naughty things too... If I wasn’t dark skinned I would have been beet red, I tell you. He took me to Protea Amani beach hotel!! The ambience was divine, the view stunning, you know….basically just barefoot heaven. We swam in the ocean, walked along the beach, sat on the bench and watched the sun go down and of course we had exquisite lunch somewhere in there! We left at around 7pm and he dropped me home around 9pm. It was a long but romantic drive.

No wonder I cannot stop the waterworks. I know that Alex loved me at some point and that he even stopped being a rake. Now he is just plain irredeemable. Alex can never come back to me! The witch is carrying his baby. I know he will do the noble thing and marry her. Even if he doesn’t and he comes back to me, do I really want him back? We will always be crowded. After all, he will forever remain the father of that child and the wicked witch will always have a connection to Alex.

Right now I don’t know what I want. I just need time…

All I need is time, then I'll get over you

A little at a time, a bit each day

All I need is time to mend a dream or two

Then I'll forget the love you took away

.............

Everybody says the pain won't last too long

Have a lot of fun and time will fly

It took a lot of time till love was born in me

And it'll take some time for love to die

Yep, Roy Orbison must know a thing or two about being broken-hearted. ….

Here is what I will do. I will;

1.      Stop mopping over Alex (Including reading old entries)

2.      Indulge in some recovery therapy such as; massage, manicure, and pedicure tomorrow, I mean today whatever

3.      Get a brand new haircut

4.      Start jogging every morning

5.      Go back to reading

6.      Enroll in some online class so that I can….

7.      GET OVER ALEX!

Sounds like a plan! I will also start listening to good music to cheer me up! How about I start with “I can see clearly now” and “Here comes the sun”?  

I should add #8 to my list above, namely; Declare positive affirmations to myself every morning.  

On that positive note, I shall go to sleep my dear diary. ‘Bonne nuit’.

Bonaventure