Life is all about second chances

I love you today

As I have from the start

And I’ll love you forever

With all of my heart

I make a rhythmless poem of my own as I walk down the street sloppily and almost bump into a white Mazda car. The driver’s eyes go narrow, no doubt from the effort not to say out loud the hateful words he’s spewing at me in his head. Unexpectedly he decides to let me go away only by shooting murderous glimpse and proceeds toward his destination. I’m actually way too busy planning my 1^st anniversary with Brad rather than how that man was planning to blow my brain out with his stare.

I met Brad in junior high. I had a crush on him since the freshman year. He was always surrounded by beautiful hot-ass girls. Pretty normal for good looking guys. I never pluck up the courage to go and talk to him head-on. On the prom night he proposed me in front of everyone. I was on top of the world! I thought I was totally going to explode out of happiness. At first, I thought it was just a dream which will disappear as soon as I’ll open my eyes but it didn’t. And of course, I accepted him.

Brad is the nicest person I’ve ever met. After meeting him I feel great about myself. He taught me self-love which I never had in my entire life. He was there for me when I was dampening my pillow from crying after having a fight with my parents. He made me laugh whenever I was sad. He slept along with me on the same couch whenever I fell asleep watching a movie though it was a bit chaos sleeping together in a small couch. I don’t know what I would’ve done without him.

After graduating we moved in together neglecting my parent’s disapproval. His parents didn’t mind though. He has now a paid internship in a publishing company. But I’m doing nothing yet but I’ll. From tomorrow. I passed my interview as a phlebotomist. Thanks to Brad’s father. He works at that same hospital and so he didn’t mind helping me out. I always wanted to do a part time job. I think it’s cool not to rely on your parents for money and absolutely not when you’re in a serious argument with them.

I set up a romantic candle night dinner in our apartment. Candles, red roses and whine are perfectly placed on the table creating flattering glimmer. Red balloons roaming around all over the floor. Our pictures hanging by the window. I fill up the fireplace with tall candles. I’m done with my cooking too. It’s time to leave! Take the whine! Thanks subconscious.

After reaching at Brad’s office, I argue with myself whether to call him or not. It’s a surprise remember! My subconscious reminds. Sorry, I forgot! After asking the receptionist about Brad I make my way toward his office room. As I rotate the doorknob the whine lying in my hand hits the floor and shatter into pieces. So does my heart. My boyfriend is fucking another girl in his office on our anniversary. My mind goes blank, heart stops beating and tears no longer delay to stream down my face. Brad and that girl uncomfortably pull away from each other as if I’m being the third wheel here. Maybe I’m. Brad runs toward me. Run, Sunshine! Run! I can’t even think clearly. My body is numbed. I remain standing there like a lifeless being. It takes a couple of seconds for reality to bring me back to my senses. Brad places his palm against my shoulder and I jerk away.

“I... I can explain”, he hastily says.

“I’m looking forward to it” I manage to say through my tears.

“I... I actually. I... uhm...”, he stutters and I let out a bitter chuckle, wiping tears off of my face with the back of my hand.

“You weren’t agreeing to have sex with me. I mean we’re adults now. We can have fun now. But you were like no sex before marriage. You left me no other choice!”, he huffs throwing me a stern look. My jaw stuck on the ground after his filthy words sink in.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” I ask, still can’t believe he just said that. He left me just because of some stupid sex?!

“You know exactly what I’m talking about”, he fires back and I slap him right across his face. As I turn over to leave the place his long fingers grip on my wrist and pulls me toward him forcing me to face him. I push at his chest as hard as I can and unpredictably it budges him.

As soon as I get in my car, I start the engine and start my aimless driving. I’m not going back to that apartment. I don’t have the courage to face him. I don’t want to. I never thought in my dreams Brad will do such a thing for a stupid thing like sex. Where will I go now? I can’t go to my parent’s house. I’m not on speaking terms with my parents only because of that asshole. I don’t even have any friend only because of that asshole. I’ve no one! Not a damn person! I feel like my heart’s going to explode. Nothing hurts more than being cheated by the person who you thought would never hurt you. It’s hurting like hell. I never knew I could feel so much pain.

I can’t drive anymore. My hands are totally numbed and my eyes have become blurry from the tears. I stop the car in the middle of a crowded place and rest my head against the steering wheel. I wish I could scream but I can’t. People standing outside of the car will see me. They will see a weak girl crying who just got cheated on. The last thing I want is to gain some people’s sympathy. I hold my breath and grab my stomach to keep myself quiet. I force myself to catch up on my sleep but I fail. Every damn moment I spent with that asshole is flashing through my mind reminding me of him. His memory keeps popping up in my head up until I fall asleep.

I groan as the alarm rings throughout my car. My finger fumbles for my phone and finally with a swipe of my thumb across the screen the uninvited sound stops. My shoulders and head feel heavy. I do a slow stretch as I take my head off of the steering wheel. It takes me a moment to realize why I set up the alarm. Shoot! It’s my first day at job. I look at my phone. Not a single call or text from Brad. Ouch. Is it too much to expect? Silly me again expecting things from the guy who just cheated on me. What’s the point of thinking about all of this now? I think I should’ve just agreed to have sex with him. Did he only love my body and not me? Millions of questions start hitting my mind at the same time. But I push away all the thoughts and open the camera. I don’t want to lose my job also because of him. My eyes are swollen, face is smudged with makeup and fingertips are tainted from wiping away my mascara and eyeliner-stained tears. Luckily, I had unused wet tissues in my bag. I aggressively whip off my makeup. Now I look presentable. I guess.

On my way to the hospital, I took some food from the drive thru. Before taking food, I didn’t realize how hungry I was. I had to use google map to find the hospital as I didn’t know where I parked my car all night long. Throughout the drive to the hospital my last conversation with Brad kept playing on my head over and over.

I give my introduction to the receptionist and she takes me upstairs. I keep following her like a lost puppy.

“Mrs. Watson. She is Sunshine Waterhouse. Our new phlebotomist” The receptionist says.

“Oh, there you’re. Come with me” Mrs. Watson says with a huge grin. She seems like a happy woman.

“So basically, you work is to draw blood from patients for various medical tests. Label samples with correct patient’s information and send them for testing. That’s it. May I see your phlebotomy certificates?” She asks throwing me on the ocean surrounded by countless crocodiles. I tidied up all my certificates for this interview. But they’re all at our…. his apartment.

“Then I’m afraid miss you can’t have the job” She says and my heart sinks.

“Wait” I hear a familiar voice saying behind me. I turn over to see my lifesaver. Brad’s father.

“She is with you sir?”

“Yes”

“Sorry, sir”

“Not a big deal”

“Can I talk to you for a sec, sir?” I ask.

“Sure”

“I really don’t know how to thank you”

“You don’t need to. You’re my boy’s girlfriend after all” He says making my heart ache. I almost blurted out that I’m not his son’s girlfriend anymore. But what will I say to him next if he asks the reason? How will I tell him on his face that his son cheated?

“You okay?”

“Sorry. I was just...”

“Relax. Best of luck for your first day” He cheerfully wishes.

“It means a lot” I say with a grateful grin and he leaves. Then I follow Mrs. Waterhouse. She explains my all my works to me.

I tried my best to keep myself diverted from the hopeless thoughts. But still couldn’t stop myself. Whenever I got unrestricted time, I thought about him, about us. I still can’t accept the fact that we aren’t together anymore. The person I trusted the most betrayed me. And here I’m. Left alone with nothing but darkness. I hate that I’m still hoping.

Mrs. Watson let me stay over at her place but I had to tell her the truth. While narrating her my story of betrayed I burst into tears like a freaking baby. She didn’t seem to mind though. And again, I didn’t lose hope. I kept fantasizing that one day we’ll get back together and we’ll be married happily ever after.

After 1 week***

It's been a week. I keep checking my phone 50 times in a minute. Still 0 texts and calls from Brad. How can someone be so cruel? So heartless? I wonder if the wound inside of my chest will ever heal. Maybe the wound is too deep to heal.

In the meantime I’ve grown the habit of smoking and drinking. After coming back from work and on my off days I keep lying on bed with iPod on full blast. Door locked and the curtains drawn restricting the sunlight to enter. Empty bottles of beer lying on the floor. I give myself hope that maybe someday I’ll get him back. It’s not too late yet. Please come back to me before it’s too late, Brad. Please.

I wonder if Brad also feels the same pain as me. No, he doesn’t. He cheated remember. He doesn’t want you. Nobody does. Out of the blue someone knocks at the door interrupting my unreasonable yet painful thoughts.

“Come in” I call. As the door open, I get up from the chair. My body is glued with the ground. Why? Weren’t his thoughts enough to eat me up? Now he had to show his face too? I start gathering all my things to leave this place as soon as possible. He wraps his fingers around my wrist and my skin burns beneath his touch because of disgust. There’s hardly any gap between us. This time I fail to free myself from his unholy touch.

“I want to talk to you” He says.

“I don’t”

“I thought about what I said earlier and I realized it was nothing but stupid”

“Congratulations on your realization” I mock and keep trying to free myself from his grip.

“I love you, Sunshine” He says and my stomach turns. I look into his eyes for the first time since last night. His eyes are swollen like mine and hair is messy.

“But you still cheated” I say. My voice is breaking and tears start welling up.

“I’m sorry” He softly says placing his palm against my cheek. My cheeks start heating up.

“Don’t be. I trusted you. My mistake, not yours” I say as tears roll over my cheeks. His eyes fill with guilt immediately. It feels good to see that he’s guilty.

“Can we start over again?” He asks and my heart starts melting. He cheated on me. I can’t forgive him so easily.

“Really, Brad? Do you have any idea how I felt last night? How does it feel to see the person you love the most is fucking in front of your eyes!” I shriek and he remains silent.

“Oh, yea. How will you know that? It’s me who got cheated. Not you”, I huff letting out a breath which I didn’t know was holding.

“I want another chance”

“I don’t know”

“Just tell me you’ll at least think about it”

“I don’t know”

“Please...” He begs.

“I won’t like you did. I still want you but I’m not ready after all of this… drama” I say moving my hands in the air and he nods. Then I crash my lips against his without even thinking. It’s been such a long time since I felt his lips against mine. I feel like my soul has returned to my body. I don’t want this to end. Never.  

After that day Brat has been caring than before. He cooks meal for me, takes me to the movies, makes me laugh like old times. He even offered me to give a ride to home but I rejected. I don’t know why. Everything was going pretty well up until one day.

“Everything ok? Why’re you crying?” He asks wrapping his arms around me.

“You know what? I can’t do this. I can’t pretend that everything is okay and forget all the things you said and did to me. I can’t describe how much pain you caused me. I even forget to love myself. To feel myself”

“I don’t blame you. It’s all my fault. I treated you like shit and again I’m sorry though I know a simple apology isn’t enough. To make you believe me I want to make a commitment to you”

“What type of commitment?”. He kneels down before me and takes my hand in his.

“Will you marry me? I’m even ready to bitter melon. The thing I hate the most” He says with puppy eyes and l chuckle through my tears.

“Say yes!” I hear a familiar voice exclaiming. It’s my parents! Is it a dream?!

“How did you do this?”

“Long story. Will tell you later. But we think he really loves you” My mom says.

“How does a destination wedding sound?” Brad asks with a huge grin on his face.

“Music to my ears” I say and Brat no longer delay to press his lips against mine. I hear my parents clapping. I can’t believe my dream just came true. Words aren’t enough to describe my feelings. Maybe life is full of second chances.