Isla's Decision

The bell finally rang, pulling me out of my staring trance. I’ been looking out the window for about three minutes without actually seeing anything. I’d finished my final test fifteen minutes before but didn’t hand it in. I wanted to be the last to walk out. I needed to tell him what I’d been keeping from him these past few months.

Mr. Pollar had taken his glasses off, his weary eyes too old for his thirty-something face. Three years I had been obsessing over those deep brown eyes that tell a million stories when they look at you. And right now they were telling me he knew I had something to say.

“I have to sub for Collins today, so I need to get going. But walk with me.” His tone was kind and inviting and it almost made me give up on my resolve. But there was no going back. He waited by the door for me, one hand holding his brown bag and the other on the door nob so he could close it after us.

We walked in silence for a few seconds until he strated asking what plans I had for the break. Was I looking foward to my 21st birthday? When I didn’t say anything he looked at me worried.

“Is everything alright, Isla? Was it the test? Have I finally succeeded in making a test difficult enough for you?”

“I’m moving.” I blurted out instead of the clever comeback he’d be expecting.

He stopped walking and I turned to look at him. His whole body frozen in place while he thought of something to say. I could read him better than I could anyone. Was I serious? He knew I was. Why? Was he ready for that answer? In the end he settled for:

“When?”

“I’ve made arrangements with my sister in the capital. I’m transferring to UFMG. I’m moving in with her on Saturday.”

“That’s in three days.”

I didn’t reply, I didn’t know what to say. I had gone through this moment in my head countless painful times only to come up blank in front of him.

The next bell rang, reminding him he had to get to Mr. Renner’s class. The desperation settling in his eyes now mirrowed mine. We stood like that for long seconds, neither knowing what would come next.

“Do I dare ask why?” He closed his eyes briefly and exhaled as if in pain.

This was why I’d waited so long to tell him, I knew it would hurt him as much as it did me.

“You know why.” I comfirmed. My eyes were watering already, I had no hope of getting through this without crying.

He nodded a few times as if acknowledging for the first time what had been going between us. Kindred souls was what I called us in my mind.

“I thought we had more time.” He said defeated. Students walked past us and even some of the teachers were eyeing our strange exchange. But we were past the point of caring.

“You’ll be late.’ He looked confused at my words. “For your class.” I reminded him. “Mr. Renner.”

“Isla…” he started. “Isla, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

I just shook my head. He knew what I’d say to that. There was no need for him to apologise.

“I let it go too far.”

“Too far.” I repeated with a laugh. And then I sniffed wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater.

“We’ve never been close to going to far. We didn’t do anything.” That would be true for the outside observer. But not to us who saw inside our hearts. “We’re just very good friends who like to talk. I bore your ears off about my book writing while you grade papers and sip that horrendous coffee you can’t live without. Right?”

“You’re right.” He said. “We didn’t go too far. We came too close.”

Always the poetic mind. I loved that, his words. I could listen to him talk for hours and still ask for more.

“You don’t have to move, Isla. We can go back to what we were in the beginning of your course. If this is hurting you we could stop being friends.”

“Could you?”

“I would for you.”

“And erase three years of the best friendship I’ve ever had like it was nothing? I can’t live around you every day for the next year and not be drawn to you like a magnet, Kyle.”

He looked at me surprised I had used his name. Something we’d established I wouldn’t do. Like that would keep some kind of bareer between us. Like that would keep me from falling in love with him.

“It’s settled then. You won’t change your mind.” His voice sounded emotionless.

“I can’t.”

“I understand.” But he looked like he didn’t, like he thought I was making a mistake.

Do you think I’m making a mistake?”

“I want to tell you ‘yes, I do.’ But I know you’re right. I’ve seen it coming and I knew I couldn’t keep you, I just…” his voice broke as he closed his eyes for a moment. “I thought we had more time.”

I swallowed and tried to go for something lighter.

“I’m starting a new job on Monday on an ice cream shop. I’m sure it’ll be fun. It’s the summer so it’ll be full of people and I’m hoping for some free ice cream now and then.’ I tried to smile but just started crying harder.

Suddenly he was hugging me. He was hugging me and I could feel him for the first time. His arms were like a soft blanket around me and his scent was the air I’d have to learn to breathe without. He brought his hand to my hair, soothing. I heard a sniff and knew he was crying too. I never imagined I’d see him cry.

He let me go all to soon and I wished he had never hugged me. At least I wouldn’t have known what I’ll miss for the rest of my life.

“I would leave her, you know.” His voice was low and heavy with shame.

“No.” I shook my head. “It’s more than that.”

We had never talked about this, about our connection, about his marriage. About the future. We only lived in the present, both wary of when the future would come for us. It finally had.

“It hurts as much as I expected it would.” He said. His eyes were mostly dry now but still red.

“I want you to be happy, kyle. I want you to see your daughter grow and to hear your grandkids call you papaw, and you’ll love it. I want you to love life and remember it was good. We were good.”

He ran his hands through his hair and looked around taking deep breaths.

“I need to tell you, Isla, if this is the last-” he hesitated. “The last time I see you.” Those words grounded me and pierced through my heart like a hundred knives. “I have to tell you that for the best part of the past year I’ve been happy. I have loved life and I have loved you.”

More tears were rolling down my face. Was it too late to reconsider?

“I love you, kyle.” I took a deep breath. Then I looked at him, memorizing every trace. His hair, his broad shoulders. His beautiful hands. His eyes. God, his eyes.

Then I stated walking backwards as he held himself in place. A tear rolled down his cheek and to his throat.

“We’ll be alright, right, Mr. Pollar?” I asked as I retreated.

“Yes.” he smiled sadly. “Yes, we’ll be alright.” He lied.