Spaghetti All’Assassina

  I’m a good Italian wife. I have the hair, and the accent. I love my kids. I don’t let my man go hungry. And the way to fill up hungry stomachs is through…pasta! If you’re like me,, a housewife who’s a little lonely and got some time on your hands, have I got something for you. Tonight’s recipe is an extra special meal for you to try, just for a certain type of occasion. 

  Listen, I know my love language. Don’t give me a personality test and a color. Give me a recipe. Give me a challenge, and I will rise to it. Let me serenade your tongue and cheeks with the savory and spicy, the fresh and crispy. Let me combine flavors into a kaleidoscope of a dish, set it down before you, and watch your face soften with satisfaction. Let me show you my love, in a pot. I think you, dear reader, might be the same type of person as me, no?

  This is a great dinner idea for any faithful wife to feed her hard-working husband. This dish is a little labor-intensive, but it doesn’t take long and it is worth the effort!

  I first got the idea for this recipe from my friend Carla. She and I used to go out into the city together and pick up some scones, then head to a disco and dance the evening away. We were young and limber then, and my, could she dance! The fellas really thought a lot of her, and I got my fair share too. We were tough birds to catch, but my Antonio eventually wore me down until I couldn’t refuse anymore! 

  So, spaghetti all’assassina - unless you’re Italian, you might have never heard of it. It sounds violent, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because at some point, when you cook it, it looks like a bloody massacre. But I promise it is delicious, and I cannot over-emphasize, well worth the effort.

  Here’s some tips for how to get the most out of this dish: 

  Use only the finest olive oil. Do not cheap out and go buy the five-dollar store brand! For this dish, authentic is best. It sells the flavors.

  Spaghetti should be hand-made if possible. I know most people don’t have one, but I think a pasta maker is a worthy investment for any warm Italian kitchen.

  Use plenty of garlic. 

  Go easy on the tomato paste.

  Don’t buy the strychnine from a pharmacist. It should be from someone you don’t know well, and it should be tasteless.

  Now that we have covered some tips about the ingredients, a word about cooking method. Make sure and use a large skillet so that the spaghetti lays flat. This is important, as you will intentionally burn the pasta a little. This will help mask other intrusive flavors.

  Now, on to the recipe! 

5 tablespoons of olive oil

4 cloves of garlic (I sneak a little extra in)

1 tsp red pepper flakes

1 tbsp tomato paste

3 cups tomato passata

2 cups chicken broth

8 oz spaghetti 

1 tsp salt

1/2 cup strychnine

1 box of keepsakes

Step 1:

In a large 10" to 11" skillet over medium-low heat, sauté the olive oil. Add the garlic and red pepper flakes. Stir the mixture until the garlic begins to soften and the oil turns a little golden from the flakes, for maybe 2 to 3 minutes. Add the tomato paste and cook, stirring, until the garlic is lightly golden and the tomato paste becomes somewhat brittle and begins to break up. Do this for 1-2 minutes.

Step 2:

In a medium bowl, combine tomato passata and broth. Increase the heat, Lay your spaghetti flat in the skillet. Add 1 cup of tomato broth and cook, without stirring, until the liquid evaporates, leaving a thickened paste on the bottom and around the spaghetti. This should take 4-5 minutes. (This is where it starts to look like a murder, ha ha!)

Step 3

Using a metal spatula, unstick the spaghetti from the skillet as it begins to burn on one side. Add salt and 1 cup tomato broth and continue to cook, stirring frequently, until your liquid is nearly evaporated and turns into a thickened sauce. Gradually continue to add tomato broth and cook, stirring occasionally, until spaghetti is al dente, charred, and the sauce adheres to the pasta, 25 to 30 minutes total. Spoon out onto 2 plates, and add the strychnine to one. 

  Easy, right? Well, I’m going to make this even easier for you. Tonight, not only will I teach you this dish, but I will even show you how to serve and create the right scene.

  Ideally, the all’assassina should be close to ready when your husband gets home. He has had a long day or two, or three. He travels a lot, and he doesn’t always call home unless he’s telling you to have his dinner ready. But that’s ok, because you’re prepared. Set the two plates on opposite ends of the table, and light a candle. Place your keepsake box in the middle of the table, and have it closed but unlocked. 

  When he comes in and grunts you a greeting, make sure and take his coat and suitcase and put it aside. He won’t need it. Give him some stories of the last couple days, but just don’t tell him about how you made the dish. He won’t respond much at the time, but don’t worry. Enjoy the smoky, garlicky, umami flavor of the spaghetti, and watch him slurp it all down and even demand seconds!

  It’s important to let the all’assassina settle down in the stomach. Serve him a glass of red wine after the meal. He might start to feel a little wobbly as you lead him to the TV, but he will just think it’s the burgundy and fatigue. Chat with him for a bit. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t like to let on when he’s feeling ill. He likes to keep secrets.

  As the muscle spasms begin, give him a cold cloth and bring your keepsake box over to him. Pull out several pictures and hold them up to his quivering face. It’s important to wait until his muscles aren’t working for this part. Show him the picture of him with the blonde, Valentina, and the brunette, Chelsea. Pull the lacy brassiere out, that one you found underneath his car seat. Tell him that private investigators are cheap, and so are decent cameras. And before he becomes too incoherent, make sure and tell him that his shady “business associate” is the one who tipped you off that something wasn’t right. That guy, Bruce, actually dislikes him and seems to have it out for him. No doubt, the police will question him heavily.

  Oh, I almost forgot! Make sure and drip a little bit of strychnine in his coffee cup that he brought back from his trip. That is definitely a Bruce move. Afterward, call up your Carla and tell her you think something’s wrong with him. Make sure and put a lot of panic in your voice. Call the ambulance, make a big scene, you know, really sell it. It will be the fine olive oil on your evening. 

  I hope this recipe satisfies you as much as it does me. Arrivederci!