The Book of Misfortunate Shortcomings

This story contains mentions of death.

"Okay, so did you bring it?"

Yes, I brought it. Do you want to sit down?

"Sure! Right here on the back porch is fine. I brought cookies!"

Okay, okay, settle down. Now, do you want me to start with this one, or that...

You know my favorite! Start with that on

Now now, if I start with your favorite, you're not going to look forward to anything.

But, but...PLEASE?! I love that story so much, and you always tell it the best. I promise I'll let you read another one after we're done.

No you're not.

UGH! Fine.

Now, lets start. Aah, This is a good one: The Sheep and the Fox.

Once upon a time, their was a sheep that was grazing in a small field, far from civilization. He went about, tending to his own business, when he suddenly came upon something unexpected. I small bag full of gold. His head suddenly became filled with questions. Who left this here? Why would someone leave gold in the middle of a field? and What could a sheep possibly do with gold? This last question struck the sheep immediately, and so, he grabbed the bag in his teeth,and went on his way.

Three days after the sheep's new discovery, a fox had tried to sneak into a yard to steal chickens. As she passed through the yard, she overheard the man inside.

"How could I have been so careless?" The man cried out. "I've been robbed of my month's wages , and my debt to the king has only doubled since. If I can not find a way to pay him back, he will certainly serve my heart and lungs to his vicious dogs and my body may serve as his chandelier! Oh, if only I could only come face to face with a miracle!"

Just then, the man heard a loud crash from outside. The wretched fox had killed his largest hen, and was running away with it! "Come back you evil creature!" The man swore to the cunning animal.

The two ran off for what seemed like hours, with the fox finally stopping to catch her breath by a cave. She set down her prize she had snuck away so carefully, when something in the cave caught her eye. A small piece of gold was gleaming in the late sunset. And by that, the fox spotted a large, fat sheep, sleeping against the cave wall. The fox crept closer, closer, until she was right on top of the unassuming sheep. That's when a familiar voice called out to her

"Aah! There you are!" The man grabbed the fox by her tail, the dead chicken in his other hand. "Now, let's see if your feet can save you now you little..." The man trailed off as his eyes moved towards the sheep, and the gold that lay beside him. Apparently, however long the animal had had the satchel, he had not found much use for it. The man then had an idea. "My prayers have been answered!" he thought, "Now I can pay the king three times my original debt! And even if I can't, I can make a nice coat out of this fox hear, and I have a chicken and a hefty ram for a meal tonight!" He licked his lips with glee.

However, the man's sudden intrusion into the cave caused the sheep to jolt awake. Quickly, he grabbed the satchel of gold with his teeth and hopped away, as quickly as his tiny legs could carry him. At the sight of her prey getting away, the fox bit the man's hand and took off after the sheep. Ignoring the pain and the blood, the man wasted no time chasing after the two of them. The trio ran the whole way to town, eventually stopping in front of a large house. The sheep had collapsed from exhaustion and the heat, the fox stooped down to jump for her prey, and the man got close enough to grab the fox by her neck. That's when a voice called out in the distance.

"You there! What are you doing at the house of the King?!" A royal guard had walked down the intricate steps of the entrance and had confronted the man.

"Sir, I can explain!" The man was cowering under the situation. "This revolting animal has stolen something that belongs to me, and I am here to claim what is mine."

"Yours, you say?" The guard raised an eyebrow. He looked down at the sight at his feet. He paused before speaking again. "That gold belongs to the King himself!" Everyone froze. "I myself joined the King while he had handled business outside the village. He had bought new valuables from a foreign merchant and had kept a single bag of gold after the exchange. Once we got home the gold was no where to be found. You, Sir, are in possession of a belonging of the King!"

The man was arrested, and killed later that same day. The fox and sheep had been taken before the king as well. "Since this fox has led the criminal to my palace, she is to be honored by all those who dwell in the village. The ram who has taken my gold and protected it so, shall graze in the royal pastures with my horses and cattle. Let this be known throughout the kingdom. And so it was.

Please. You call that good?

Why yes. I consider it a classic. And since it is in this book, many seem to agree with me.

It makes no sense! Why would the king be angry at the man, but not the sheep and the fox? The sheep had stolen his gold, and the fox just got rewarded for being there! What's even the lesson of the story?

You're forgetting. The author wrote this story as commentary of the rulers of their time, who, like the King, dealt out cruel punishments to unassuming "criminals" and rewarded others for seemingly no reason, even raising their statuses to heroes, even if they really didn't deserve it. That's why the sheep and the fox are the title characters.

I never understand the things you read. It is always so hard to understand, and even when you understand it, it is always so morbid.

If you think that is morbid, you'll like our next story.

Wait, which is that? I want to do mine!

We will. Don't worry. This next one is short. It's a mere poem: The Man in Blue.

There once was a man all dressed in Blue,

His wife was pretty and his daughter was to.

Over their roofs, doves and ravens flew,

Cry, little villagers, Cry.

There once was a man that dressed in Brown,

Eighteenth in line for the English Crown.

He sought reign over the Blue Man's town,

Cry, little villagers, Cry.

The Brown man's pillage had just begun,

And he already knew his fight was won.

He marched ahead with his youthful son,

Cry little villagers, Cry.

"Run to the forest with wine and bread,"

Was all that the Blue girl's father said,

'fore his blood in the streets made the tiles run red,

Cry, little villagers, Cry.

The girl walked on yonder way,

Til she collapsed on the twenty-third day.

Suddenly she got swept away,

Cry, little villagers, Cry.

The Brown man's son had lost his way,

Taken his wife in his homestay,

As they came into the Family Way,

No longer will the villagers cry.

Alright, how was that?

I'm guessing you're gonna explain that this is about some event in the "Hazy Period" Where relatives of Royals were constantly competing for power and destroying each others kingdoms because of it?

That is why I like this story collection. There is just something so interesting about how many tyrants a single kingdom went under before assassinations and revolts took place. And yes, this poem explains the specific fall of the Bluegates family over the kingdom of Laurincetown, and the eventual marriage of their daughter, Lady Malory, and their rival heir.

Wow. No wonder they call you "Eerie Emily."

And you spend the majority of you're time with me. I'm surprised the others don't call you "Grisly Greta."

Whatever. Can we please do my favorite story now? Mother's about to call me back in for lessons of Scientific Theory and History any moment now. I just know it!

How about this. I'll read you this next story, one that will help you with your current lessons, and if you still have the ability, you can crawl back here to listen to your favorite story after tea.

What?!! That's cheating! You can't just...

Is that a no?

Hugghhh! Fine. I'll come back later. But I will be expecting you to read my favorite the moment I come. And I won't bring cookies next time.

Alright, without further adieu, I present: The Gold Casket.

Once upon a time, the son of a lord had retreated from his duties in his garden. He had just picked a ripe specimen from his singular pomegranate tree, and had taken a small bite. It was bitter. The man simply tossed it to the side, called his servants, and ordered them to have the tree removed. The Lord of the House had heard of his son's decision, and said nothing of it. That tree had appeared too crowded and suffocating, and was honestly dampening the look of the entire garden. It was merely seconds after the tree was pulled from the ground before one of the servants called the Lord's son.

"Sir, it seems we have found something, extraordinary." She explained.

The servant lead the man to the gaping hole in the yard. Sure enough, there was something truly extravagant that lay in the center. There lay a box, about a meter by a half, coated in gold and precious stones. The very front displayed a face of a beautiful maiden, the sculptor of which must have died a proud and prosperous man due to his handiwork. The man laughed in pure ecstasy.

"My, what an invaluable creation. I must simply find the man who created this work of art, better yet, I must pay him for to display the piece in our grand hall, rather than have it buried in the ground."

And so it was. The servants traveled the entire town for all the blacksmiths, metalworkers, and jewelry makers within calling distance. One man came to the Lord's door the day the order was issued. "Sire", said the man. "I've worked as a smelter all my young adult years. I have surrendered the budding youth of my manhood to the kiln and the hearthstone. Please, allow me to view the master piece you have discovered in your garden."

"My good fellow, I admire your appreciation of this lovely trinket, as well as the craft of smelting and metalworking as a whole. I simply must implore of you one question. Do you know the maiden of which lies on the surface of the gold?" The smelter cocked an eyebrow at the Lord's son's request, and turned pale once he recognized the subject of which the young lord was talking. "Tis not the maiden on the piece you should concern yourself with, Sire."

Before the young lord could question him further, the man sprinted out of the house, not stopping to look anyone he crossed paths with in the eye. Two more days went by with not a word from anyone.

Until one day, the jeweler of the town payed a visit to the Lord's house. The Lord's son greeted him personally, as he recognized the jeweler from his frequent dealings with him to provide gifts for his mother and sisters on their birthdays. "It is an honor to be in your presence once again, Sire." The jeweler prided at the young man. "And I am most certainly glad to view this wonderful phenomenon you have found in your back garden." The lord's son led the older man to the room they held the box in. A shiver was felt down the jeweler's spine the moment he laid eyes on it.

"M-My Lord, you must dispose of this object right away!" The man trembled in terror. Before the young lord could utter a single word in response, the jeweler fled out of the house and into the streets, avoiding the gaze of all who stared back at him. Another three days went by before anyone came to the house again.

One the third day, an old woman came to visit the Lord's house. "My lord, I humbly come into your presence to explain the mysterious beauty you find yourself stuck with."

"Stuck? I simply do not follow. This magnificent artwork had only improved the look of my mansion. What is this you speak of, woman?"

He took her to the room that held the box. The woman simply looked at it with a solemn look on her face. "Sire, I can tell you of the maiden on the box, as well as the contents of it."

"Is that so?"

"Sire, the maiden's face is that of my daughter's, of which I asked my husband to carve onto her casket. Your servants agreed to bury her privately in your garden when your father sentenced her to death for defiance and assault of a noble."

Wow, that story always creeps me out.

Yes, this was a surprisingly common occurrence in the "Mortar" Period. You can learn about why, and the specific nobles involved when you get to your history lessons.

Okay, fine. But you remember our deal, alright?

Cross my heart and hopefully die.

----Evening----

Okay, I'm ready!

Oh? I would have expected you to be mentally drained after that.

We had pecan cakes and strawberry jam filled cookies at tea. Anyways, read it! You remember our deal.

Alright, alright. The Rose Rabbit.

Edward Mullhoney was a very talented man. When he was eight years old, his father sent him out in the world to get a feel for it, plant seeds of possibility that would only bloom once he reached adulthood. And from that day on, he sewed and reaped every hour of every day of his life, never ceasing practices of sewing, goldwork, paper and wood manufacturing. By the time he was sixteen, he strode into town, parading in a deep velvet suit, intricate jewelry and a solid gold pocket watch, all of which he had constructed himself. Edward grew to love little as well. Of all his creations and all his achievements, he never grew attached to the fruits of his labor. He allowed others to bite into his creations, to love them as if it was theirs. The only exception to this near unbreakable cycle was his wife.

Gemma Mullhoney was a gem unto herself. Everyone knew it, especially her husband. He had met her just three years into his adulthood, and they were draw to each other almost immediately. Her golden curls were stunning, and her pale skin and light laugh were velvety smooth. He wasted no time producing striking rings, watches, necklaces and bracelets to adorn her with. The best of which, however, was a light pink jewel of a pendant that he named the Rose Rabbit. 

No one knew why he called it that. Not even his wife. She had guessed that the smooth, round texture of the tiny jewel reminded him of a rabbit's eye.

As Edward and Gemma lay in bed one night, Gemma awoke to a small scratching sound from outside. Wary to awaken her sleeping husband, she slowly crawled out of bed. She looked out the window, into the garden, only to be met with the cool night air. She retreated back to bed where her husband stirred, and whispered of her suspicions about the noise. “Its probably the wind, honey.”

Again, two days later, Gemma heard the strange noise. This time, she also smelled a musty scent, as if a barnyard animal were nearby. Again, she looked out the window to find the source, and again, she found nothing. She found Edward wide awake once she came to bed, and told him of her findings. “I’m sure a racoon or a squirrel is munching on the tulips, honey”

Two days later, Gemma and Edward celebrated their one year anniversary. To celebrate, Gemma wore her beautiful Rose Rabbit all day. As she and her husband lay in bed, she realised it was still on her neck, and reached to take it off. That’s when she looked up to meet eyes with a giant rabbit. Its once immaculate white fur was stained with years of treading through mud. Its huge ears were lanky and simply hung over its head with minimal effort. Its face was the worst. It has a man’s face, etched and cracked with the chisel of time. Gemma turned to her husband, who was sitting fully upright now. 

“Sweetie, there’s a giant rabbit man outside the house.”

“Oh, that’s the creature that I sold my soul to honey. He usually drops by, but the necklace makes him visible to the wearer at night. Just ignore him and he’ll fade away.”

There, happy? I still don't understand why you like it so much.

Why yes, I am happy, and I love it because of the twist.

Whatever. I'm just glad I got to spend this last day with you before I move to London. Goodbye, Greta.

Goodbye, Sis.