If There Is Not a Tomorrow

My lungs tightened, short of breath, as I heaved my way up the hill with my brother at my side, holding me up. It had been weeks since I had been outside, months since I had done anything other than a short walk around the hospital garden. The temperature had dropped significantly since the last time I had been out. It nipped at my cheeks and chin and numbed my fingers. I used to hate it, the way the cold would devour you whole, the burning on my legs, and the sharpness in my lungs. But now I relished it. Took it in for all it was worth wondering if it would be the last time I would ever experience it. 

My family had originally rejected the notion that I go sledding. Telling me firmly that I was too fragile, too sick, and any time outside and I would surely shatter or implode. However, convincing them wasn't difficult, how could they resist a dying girls wish. 

My pace slowed as I continued up the hill. I felt slightly embarrassed at the fact that I could hardly make it up a hill. I didn’t like people seeing me weak, even through spending months struggling my way through basic tasks. I was ashamed of my weakness. I figured I would be ashamed even in death. Eath, I didn't like the thought of it. So permanent. Sometimes the thought of death petrified me other times I would laugh like a crazy person thinking how foolish of me to fear the inevitable. If not today than tomorrow, right? 

“Do you want to stop?” My brother, Jackson, asked. 

“No,” I wheezed through my words, “I can keep going.”

“There is no shame in taking a break.” He offered with a soft, but worn, smile. I saw that smile more often than I'd liked too. I didn’t say anything back, only continued to trudge my feet through the snow. He paused, causing me to fall back slightly into his chest and causing the realisation that I was too tired to hold my own weight. The shame hit me like a truck this time. I wished more than anything in moments like these that I could run again. I would run all the way up this hill and run some more until I was coughing and choking on the air. But instead, I was stuck, relying on someone else to take care of me.

“Well I need a break,” Jackson said huffing as he pushed me off of him and lied down into the snow, spreading his body out into a snow angel. I knew he was lying, just trying to get me to give myself the break that I knew I needed. I sat down reluctantly next to him. Although I wanted to be mad at him for insisting on this break, my lungs and muscles thanked him for not letting me be stubborn. I looked back at him and he had his arms behind his head and his eyes were closed. In my dying days I couldn't have asked for a better brother. He took care of me while simultaneously making sure I didn’t feel like I needed to be taken care of. I often worried that he would break when I died. I knew he would. And when I died, he would take on the responsibilities of taking care of mom and dad and planning a funeral. I worried he would neglect his own sadness. I felt a pit form in my stomach accompanied by a sneaking guilt. How selfish was it for me to die on him like this? I lied back, looking over to him apologetically. If there was a god, I was angry at him the most for hurting Jackson.

Ten minutes passed before we decided to get back up and continue up the hill. There wasn’t much left to go, but not much was still difficult for me. Reaching the top, I looked down to the bottom of the hill where my parents waited hand in hand for us to come down. I felt like a little kid again. It had been many years since the last time I had gone sledding. It felt childish but I wanted the rush, needed it. It might have been the last time I would feel such a feeling. I stood there for a while, ingesting the view of the houses and trees far below me. And, as if the universe were trying to gain my forgiveness for the pain I in that moment, snow began to fall. It was heavy, chunky snowflakes and they covered me and Jackson. I couldn’t help but smile. I turned my head towards the sky and let the snowfall around me, becoming entranced by the dancing sky. I felt all of my problems and pain and sadness fall off of me letting them be carried away to the sky. I looked at my brother who returned the glance with tender eyes and a passive smile. 

“You ready to do this Rin?” I hesitated before nodding my head yes to Jackson. “Sweet,” his smile grew and he pulled up two tubes that were connected by a rope. We would go together, of course for him to make sure I was okay. He laid them on the ground next to each other and ushered me in. I sat quickly, squirming around to situate myself comfortably in the tube while Jackson held tightly. Once I was in and ready to go he got into his, never letting go of mine. I was tempted to roll my eyes, again annoyed and embarrassed at how much he worried about me. But I controlled the impulse and sighed. 

“Okay little Rin, are you ready to go?” I took a deep breath tasting the cold air with my entirety. 

“I’m ready,” I said with a huff. His smile grew.

“3,” He began his countdown. I took a second deep breath in, readying myself for the rush of adrenaline and speed of the tube sliding down the hill. “2” I reached over to grab his hand and squeeze it. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, but only in the best way possible. “1” I shut my eyes in anticipation. He pushed us off the edge sending us flying down the hill. Only one emotion was felt while I raced down the hill. Freedom. Freedom from sickness, from pain, from fear, from sadness, from resentment, from everything that had plagued that last year and a half of my life. Every emotion I had felt since the diagnosis was ripped from me as my body separated from my mind and all that was left was me. Not a disease or a diagnosis. Not a problem that needs fixing. Not a constant reminder of what everyone else had to lose. But a pure and fresh soul. I could have cherished such a feeling forever. I felt again like I was a kid and that the only thing plaguing my existence was whether or not I was going to fall out of my tube or hit a tree. I let bubbles of joy penetrate me as a laugh fell from my throat. I laughed and laughed and laughed until we reached the bottom of the hill and had slowed to a stop.

“Are you all good?” I stopped to catch my breath and gather my emotions. I tear had been streaked across my face from the wind. Regaining control of my mind and body, I was hastily pulled from my imaginary world and brought back to reality. I supposed though, this reality wasn't so bad and I returned his question with a wide smile anyway.  

“Of course,” smiling in response, he helped me out of my tube and onto my feet. “Again?” I asked. For a brief moment, a wasted moment, I let guilt sneak back into me. Brushing it off I turned to Jackson in anticipation of his response.

“Beat you to the top!” He replied. I smiled wildly. As I gathered my strength to do it again and thought that if there is not a tomorrow, I was glad there was a least a today.