The Statue

Sidney: Well, that's the last of it, except for the boxes there.

Claire: Great! Yeah, these will be picked up tomorrow. I'm donating all of it to the second-hand store across town.

Sidney: Oh. I can take them, drop them off on my way, if that works better for you. I mean, I hate for you to have to keep coming back here. After everything...you know.

Claire: Uh, sure. Why not. That would be fantastic Sid. You're a great friend. I couldn't have gotten through this without you.

Sidney: Aww… I know. Claire? Why is this statue in the donation box?

Claire: What do you mean?

Sidney: I mean…WHY is THIS statue in the donation box? This particular statue? You’ve put it in a box to donate?

Claire: Uh… I don’t---

Sidney: You can’t just throw this statue away!

Claire: I’m not. I’m donating it—

Sidney: Same thing! Claire—

Claire: Sid. Calm down. It’s just a statue.

Sidney: But—

Claire: No, Sid. It's a statue. We got it as a gift when Craig and I got married. I put it away in the attic after the decorator told me it didn't fit with the new mood of the house.

Sidney: What?! You redecorated two years ago! Are you saying the statue has been the attic the last TWO YEARS?

Claire: Oh. My. God. Why are you so hysterical about this dumb statue?

Sidney: Don't you know the story behind it? The reason it's so important and why you should NEVER throw it away, give it away, or pack in a box for the ATTIC?

Claire: How much caffeine have you had today?

Sidney: That’s besides the point. I’m serious, Claire. Do you KNOW the story of this statue?

Claire: I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.

Sidney: Yes. I am. I just hope it isn’t too late.

Claire: Too late? What are you talking about?

Sidney: Okay. This happened a long time ago---

Claire: In a land far far away?

Sidney: Claire.

Claire: Sorry.

Sidney: A long time ago, there was this mason guy, who-- I don't remember his name--anyway, he was super, I mean like, super in love with his wife. Like, obsessed. So. She dies, after giving birth to their only child—

Claire: Oh, my Go—

Sidney: AFTER giving birth to their ONLY child. Now. He is totally heart broken. Like, he can't eat, or sleep, or whatever they do in those times. All he does is, like, wash her body with...like, with sponges or something dipped in the water from the well, and he puts fresh flowers around her body...basically, creating a shrine or something around her. Meanwhile, the townspeople come and go bringing him bread and potatoes, I don't know, like whatever foods from that time, and he's there sitting next to his dead wife while the kid lies in a basket of straw, screaming his head off. So, the townspeople go to the local monk and are like, "hey Monk, can you talk to so and so about his dead wife and like, what do we do about the baby?" And the monk guy says, "sure, I'll talk to him and why don't you take the baby to the couple down the road. They don't have any kids." And the townspeople are like, "Cool. We'll do that." So, the monk guy goes and talks to the mason guy and tells him about the baby going to the couple down the street and how he needs to bury his wife. It's health hazard, I'm sure. I mean, she probably died from infection after child birth and, I mean, she's dead and he keeps touching her. That can't be good. Anyway. So, yeah. Um, so the monk guy convinces him to bury her and the townspeople help and then the monk says, "Hey, you're a stone mason, why don't you make a statue of your dead wife and that way you can still look at her every day." The mason guy says okay. He's pretty heart-broken but, you know.

Claire: How long is this story?

Sidney: I'm getting there! Jeez. Okay. Um, so. Oh yeah. So, the mason guy pretty much tried to carve a statue of his wife but every time he gets close, he like, starts crying again and stuff and throws the stones on the ground. Then. It's like a year later, or almost a year, or wait. I think it's the, like, actual night of the anniversary of her being buried.

Claire: Sid!

Sidney: Yeah! So, the statue is done. He's a wreck, like super skinny and depressed. He looks into her eyes, her statue eyes, and says, dramatically "I will love you forever." (sigh) Then. He hugs her and starts to cry but then! His tears fall on her face—

Claire: And she comes to life! Oh God…

Sidney: Yes! She comes to life. She tells him she's come back for him. He's scared. But she convinces him. So, they hug again and this time. This time. They kiss. And when he cries again, the salt in his tears, turns HIM to stone. Linking them together. Forever. In. A. Kiss. Like the statue.

Claire: Great. No, it’s a great story. A little too fairy tale for me, and I’m not sure how it pertains to me and the attic, but—

Sidney: Claire, there’s more to it.

Claire: Oh goody. I suppose you’re going to tell me the more part?

Sidney: It’s a good thing I love you.

Claire: Yes.

Sidney: Okay. So, yeah. The statue. The thing is, the statue is supposed to bring you good luck or, like, bless the marriage or something. When someone gives it to you, you're supposed to keep it somewhere where it can watch over you and remind you of your love. Where did you keep it? I mean, before the attic?

Claire: We had it in the bedroom.

Sidney: The bedroom?!

Claire: Yeah, the bedroom. Why? What?!

Sidney: What was the ONE room the did NOT get redecorated?

Claire: The bedroom…

Sidney: Yes! So, why did she need you to box it up for the attic? Who care if it didn’t match? No one would see it except for you and…OH. MY. GOD.

Claire: What?!

Sidney: That. Person who shall remain nameless, wanted you to put it away so Craig couldn't see the statue and be reminded of his love for you. Oh My God. It makes total sense now.

Claire: Are you saying… the decorator knew about the power of the statue, got me to pack it away, so she could steal Craig from me?

Sidney: Is there any other possible explanation?

Claire: Uh, yeah. We were both working a lot and arguing a lot and-

Sidney: Yeah. Arguing about how the curtain fabric and the couch fabric didn’t match or go together or whatever. See? The decorator.

Claire: Sid-

Sidney: No, Claire. Listen. You and Craig were like, the same person. You liked the same things, no matter what. It didn't matter. It was like, it could be anything, and you would both have the same opinion. Boring, actually. Anyway, when SHE came and got you to pack the statue away, then you never agreed on anything. I bet if you think back, your house looked more like the life SHE wanted with Craig. Not the life YOU wanted.

Claire: Well, there's not much I can do about it now. Papers were signed yesterday. It's over. They're probably driving off into the sunset as we speak… Wait. This is ridiculous. Let me see that thing. This statue was made in Taiwan!

Sidney: Well, it isn’t the ACTUAL statue. I mean-

Claire: No. Sid. Look, I get what you're trying to do. You're so sweet. I wanted Craig and I to be forever, too. It just didn't work out. It sucks. But-

Sidney: Claire… I know you don’t believe in the statue thing. But… maybe it-

Claire: Maybe nothing. As a matter of fact, I'll prove it doesn't mean anything. Get rid of this thing once and for all. The pitcher makes his wind up—

Sidney: Claire! No!

Claire: The pitcher releases and…blammo! No more statue.

Sidney: Claire! Oh my God! It’s broken! Oh no. This is bad. This is really bad.

Claire: Sidney, you’re being ridiculous.

Sidney: Call Craig.

Claire: What?!

Sidney: Call. Craig. We need to know if he’s okay.

Claire: Now, I know you’re crazy. You’re taking this too far.

Sidney: You’re not taking this far enough! Claire, please…just call him. If he answers and he’s fine, I’ll drop it. Not you, dear statue, I would never drop you. I have some glue, at home. Please, Claire?

Claire: Wow. Okay, Sid. If it makes you feel better and then I’m gonna call the men in white coats, okay sweetie?

Sidney: Well?

Claire: He didn’t answer.

Sidney: See!

Claire: Sid, he’s probably driving. I told you. He’s fine. I’m sure he’s fine.

Sidney: Call him again, please!

Claire: Okay, okay! It’s ringing…Oh! Hello? Yes, hi. I’m calling for Craig? Who’s this? Oh. I see. I’m his wife, well, ex-wife. We just got divorced yesterday. What? Oh no. Yes, of course. I can come down tomorrow. No, thank you.

Sidney: Well? Who was that? Who were you talking to? Claire?

Claire: It’s Craig. He and an unidentified woman were just in a car accident. Probably the decorator. I have to go and identify the bodies.

Sidney: Are they okay?

Claire: No. They’re dead.

Sidney: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Maybe if I glue the—

Claire: Sid! You were right. That statue IS magic. I don’t think gluing it back together will save them now, though… they may come back as zombies or something. Hahaha…

Sidney: Claire! You’re mean! I can’t believe you did that to me!

Claire: I got you, though, didn’t I? Magic statue. I mean, really? You set yourself up for these things.

Sidney: Still. You shouldn’t do that. What if something bad really happens to them?

Claire: Well…we could always glue the statue back together and give it to them as a gift?

Sidney: Yes!