Letting go

“Babe, where is the cinnamon?”

I sighed and let my head flop to my desk,

“I already told you it’s in the cupboard with the broken handle!”

Baxter came storming in and I inwardly groaned. We’d been dating for three years now, almost everything provoked a fight. He usually pinned it against me.

“Kayla, how many times do I have to tell you, I don’t like it when you move stuff around without telling me!”

He leaned against the doorway and ran his hand through his brown hair before crossing his arms. I sighed and rubbed my temples,

“Bax, I didn’t move it, it was already there.”

He scoffed, glaring at me. I used to melt at the sight of his brown eyes, now, they just made me feel small.

“Oh, I’m sure, don’t give me those blue puppy eyes.”

I rolled my, “blue puppy eyes”,

“I’m not.”

I threw my hair up into a ponytail and stood, catching a glimpse of my reflection. My blonde hair was slightly messy but it looked decent enough,

“I’m going out, if you want to move things to where they already were, then have at it.”

I went to leave, but as I walked by him he grabbed me by the wrist, stopping me from making my exit.

“Who are you going with? You didn’t tell me you were leaving.”

I ripped myself out of his grasp,

“I can go wherever I want, with whoever I want. You don't make the choices for my life Baxter.”

I stormed out of the room and slammed the door on my way out.

When we first started dating, I thought that he loved me the way I loved him. By the time I realized that I was merely a crutch for him to use, it was too late. He was toxic. Every time I tried to get out of my relationship with him, he’d twist it around and make me feel terrible about myself. So, I’d stay.

I loved him and I could never muster up the courage to leave.

Not this time.

I had gotten an offer to sign a music contract with some talent scouts in Nashville. I planned on signing. Music was my life, I’d always wanted to be an artist.

Baxter Henderson had been holding me back from having the life I wanted for years, he wasn’t taking anything else away from me.

I didn’t actually go to the mall, I made four left turns and pulled into an abandoned cemetery. Setting my alarm for ten minutes.

Today, I took my life back. Being a singer was always hard to make into a career, especially with all of the people that were already big. I had scraped by, doing small acts or backup singing, and I had finally been noticed.

I remembered the first time I sang to Bax, the way his eyes went wide, his voice going quiet. He didn’t praise me or break down into tears, he just smiled and held me. Telling me that he loved me. I wanted to believe that it was real, even though I knew it wasn’t.

I drove back to the apartment, knowing that he would’ve left almost directly after me, trying to find me. As usual. I didn’t have much, I had only been living with him for a couple of months, and only because he guilt tripped me into it. I quickly threw all of my belongings into my car, not bothering with suitcases or bags. I left absolutely nothing of myself there. I left almost as quickly as he had come into my life in the first place.

I drove directly to Tennessee, we lived in Alabama so it wasn’t too far of a drive. I had my first gig tonight, my performance would be the foundation for the rest of my career. I was almost at the venue when he called.

“Yes?”

“Where the hell are you.”

I pulled over. His sharp voice cutting through my brain, sending anxiety through my body. He was mad, very mad.

“Out of your life.”

I heard a loud cracking noise, by guessing from the sound, and knowing him too well, he had just punched another hole in his wall.

“Where?! Are?! You?!"

“None of your dang business.”

“Kayla don’t make me-”

I lost it.

“Make you what? Huh? Manipulate me, to try and get me back? Cry yourself to sleep every night because you don’t have me? Track me down and physically drag me back into your toxic life because no one else will ever care about you as much as I did? You only want me in your life because you could always count on me being there. I never left. I was never unfaithful, even when you cheated on me and treated me like crap, I stayed with you.”

I was getting loud, unleashing all of the anger and resentment I held towards him.

“I'm done being your little pick me up to make you happy when you are unhappy with yourself. You hear me? I’m done with you Baxter Henderson, if you’re too stupid to see that then maybe you should check in with your brain and see if it’s still there. While you’re at it-”

My voice broke on the last words,

“Check your heart too, I'm pretty sure that’s been gone for a while.”

I hung up and blocked him, on everything. I sniffed and refused to let myself cry. He didn’t deserve any of my tears. I took a deep breath and finished my trip to the venue.

I got out and rushed to get inside, I still had to change and I did not want to be late on my first performance here. They had to like me, or I had no shot at being a musician. I went inside and was ushered to a small changing room in the corner of the office, I had half an hour to get ready.

I traded my leggings and sweatshirt for my ripped jeans and black tank top. Topping it off with a flannel tied around my waist. I curled the top layer of my hair, normally I wouldn’t cut corners, but I had no other option tonight. Finally, I zipped up my black Doc Martins and exited the changing room.

I was led to the stage and my heart nearly stopped when I heard all of the people that had showed up. The audience was bigger than I had ever performed in front of. I was given the signal to walk out onto the stage and I set my hand over my heart. I wanted this and I was ready. Baxter wasn’t going to ruin this for me, no one was.

Taking shaky steps, I strutted onto the stage and smiled at everyone, waving as the music began. I grabbed a hold of the microphone and closed my eyes, a single tear drop slipping down my face. I heard the musical cue, took a deep breath and opened my mouth, letting all of my pain and all of my worry flow out of my mouth, in the form of song.

Finally, I was at peace. I had let go, and I was never going back.