Confronting the Past

I woke up early. I hadn’t slept well. Maybe it was a mistake to stay and see my parents. I looked over at Denise sleeping next to me. How had I gotten so lucky? Maybe my mom would be happy for me. I pulled on some clothes, planning to get breakfast before I faced my parents. I opened the motel room door, and there she was.

“Mom,” I said.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in town?”

“I came in for the reunion. I was planning to stop by this morning.”

“Well I heard from Natalie’s mom you were here. So I checked out all the hotel’s until I found you.”

Natalie, of course. But I’m sure she’d been well intentioned. She hadn’t known what happened at the end of the senior year, before I left, since we weren’t speaking then. She had no idea I hadn’t spoken to my parents in 10 years.

“I was about to go to breakfast, let’s go so we don’t wake up Denise.”

“Too late, I’m up,” Denise said. Here it was the moment of truth. For Mom to say something snarky about my sexually. But she just said, “Oh my god! Denise Rivers. You’re with Denise Rivers? Wait, you’re the Robin in her book?”

“Yes,” I sighed. “We broke up because of that. But when the book came out, I realized I’d been an idiot, and we got back together.”

“I’m a huge fan. Are you working on a new book?”

“I have some ideas,” she said. “Did you say something about breakfast?” she asked after she kissed me. “I’m hungry.”

“Yeah, let’s go to the hotel restaurant and talk.”

“Perfect, just let me get dressed and I’ll meet you there.” I nodded. So Mom and I walked to the restaurant. I hoped Denise would just take a short shower. I didn’t know how long I could tolerate talking to my mom alone.

We sat down in the restaurant. “I see you lost the weight,” Mom commented. Of course, that’s the first thing she brings up.

“Mom, I ate because I was unhappy. Because I was in the closet and Dad was treating me horribly. Once I left, I was happy, so I lost the weight.”

“Your Dad didn’t mean to treat you that way.”

I snorted. “Please, Mom, don’t lie to me.”

Luckily, Denise arrived them. The waitress came over and we ordered coffee. I was nervous about ordering a big breakfast in front of my mom. But I also knew I needed some sustenance for this next part.

“Why don’t we share some pancakes, honey,” Denise said, sensing my nervousness.

“Sounds perfect,” I replied. We gave our order.

“So what did I miss?” Denise asked. “World War III?”

“Not quite,” I laughed. I squeezed her hand, grateful for her lightening the mood. Why had I ever been so stupid to let something like her using our relationship in a book to come between us? “More like the Cold War.”

“Honey,” Mom started. But then the coffee arrived. When the waitress left again, Mom tried again, “Honey, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not you I need an apology from, Mom. Does Dad know I’m in town?”

“Yes. He asked me if you’d come in for the reunion. I had to say yes. I told him I was going to see you, and that maybe you would come over and talk to him.”

“I was planning on stopping by before I left town. But I don’t want a big thing. I want Dad to apologize and accept that I’m a lesbian and that is not going to change. And then I can leave here and not have to come back until the next reunion.”

“Your Dad wants you to apologize.” I snorted again.

“Me? Apologize? For what? For making out with a girl in the vestibule of the church and embarrassing him after I promised I’d stay in the closet? For calling the cops when he tried to pray the gay out of me by having the priest perform an exorcism?”

“He had good intentions.”

“Good intentions? What? To make sure I don’t go to Hell? And don’t forgot about the whole conversion camp thing. Do you know what they do to teens there? I am so glad I got out of there.”

“They are Christian Camps, honey. Just giving you good values.”

“Which is why two girls who were forced to go to the camp with me killed themselves a few months later.”

My Mom’s eyebrows went up.

“I guess you didn’t hear that. Oh yeah, Mom. It was a few months into my sophomore year.  They kept the girls names out of the paper. But they mentioned they’d been to Holy Grace Camp that summer. They didn’t call it Conversion camp of course. It took me awhile but years later in college I found out who those girls were. I knew them, Mom! The one girl, Simone and I hung out for the week before I left the camp. I had a crush on her. She was the first girl I liked since I kissed Natalie. She’s bisexual by the way. She told me last night when she apologized.”

“I didn’t know about the girls. I didn’t know the camp was bad. I just thought you’d realize you didn’t want to kiss girls. Instead you came home and you starting eating and eating. So then I was a bit happy, figuring you wouldn’t date any girls and embarrass us. Until that church incident.”

“Mom, it was a week before I left town. I had nothing left to lose. I didn’t intend for Dad to find out. I hadn’t kissed anyone since Natalie. I was miserable. And then Patty kissed me. And finally, I knew, that it didn’t matter how much I tried to pretend I wasn’t gay, that I was. That’s what gave me the motivation to lose weight that summer. And finally get to go somewhere where no one cared if I was gay.”

“This is a small town, you know that.”

“Yeah. But Mom, just because others don’t like that you have a daughter whose gay, doesn’t mean you have to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you. I love you. But your father.”

“Mom, you’re your own person. You could’ve told me you supported me. Instead you rejected me just because of what Natalie’s Mom told you.”

“I didn’t have a choice.”

“Right, because if you didn’t reject me, then your friends would reject you. Having your social group accept you was more important.”

“I’m sorry, Robin.”

“You didn’t defend me. You didn’t say you were proud of me.” I was on such a roll, I hadn’t noticed that the waitress had brought the food. Denise put some pancakes on my plate. “Eat,” she told me. I nodded.

Mom picked at her eggs. “Robin, you’re right. I was too concerned about what the town thought about us. I wanted to tell you I supported you, but your father threatened me.”

She looked down, embarrassed.

“What?”

“Robin, your father...” then she paused, remembering we were in public. “We shouldn’t have this conversation here.”

“Okay, let’s finish eating and go back to our room,” I replied. Mom ate quickly. I forced myself to eat a few pancakes. Robin said she’d take care of the bill.

“I’ll give you two a bit of time.” I nodded. Seeing my look, she whispered to me, “I promise Robin, none of this, fictionalized or not, will be in my book.”  I nodded relieved. I kissed her not caring who saw.

Mom and I walked back to my room in silence. I opened the door. I gestured to mom to sit on the bed. “Did Dad hurt you?”

She nodded.

“When? Why? Why didn’t you leave him? How come I didn’t know?”

“Robin, when you were born, your father quit drinking. He found God and become an important member of the church. But sometimes he would get moody and slip up. When you were five years old, his old friend came back to town. Your dad got drunk and drove them home. His friend died in the accident. So then he got moody and his drinking got worse. I was 6 months pregnant.” I gasped.

“I don’t have a sibling. Oh my God did Dad?”

“He didn’t mean too. He came home, angry and drunk. He got upset because you’d left some toys around. I couldn’t pick them up being pregnant. He went to pick you up and hit you. I stepped in front of you and said, ‘stop.’ So then he hit me and I fell. I miscarried your brother.”

I had tears in my eyes. “How come I don’t remember this?”

“You were little. Maybe you forgot. I was glad you did. Anyways, after that your Dad got sober again. But he felt guilty for what he had done. He was angry at God, felt like God had taken his son because he was a bad father. So when he started to realize you were different, he worked so hard to make sure you weren’t. When he found out you were gay, it set him off. He told me I had to deny it if anyone asked. He told me it was my fault. He said if I had been a better mother, God wouldn’t have taken our son away. He said if I didn’t keep you in line, God would take you too, and it would be my fault. So I let him send you to camp. I let him try to exorcise the gay out of you, even though I knew it didn’t work like that. But I didn’t want him to start drinking again and try to hurt you again like he had when you were five. So I stayed silent.”

There was a knock on the door. “Come in, Denise.”

“Everything okay?”

“I’m not sure yet.”  I turned to Mom. “Mom, I want to have a relationship with you again. But I have to know that you can accept me for who I am, even if Dad can’t.”

“Robin, I accept you. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you. I’m sorry I was so afraid of your dad that I didn’t defend you. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom.” I realized I meant it. She got up and reached out her arms to hug me. Denise prodded me. Finally, I walked into my mom’s arms for the first time since she found out I was gay.

The hug lasted a long time. Then Mom finally broke the embrace. I didn’t know what to say. Finally, Denise broke the silence. “Do you have a cell phone?” she asked Mom. “So we can keep in touch.” Mom nodded. She took a phone out of her pocket. Her hands shock as she gave it to Denise.

Denise put some info in the phone and gave it back. “There. That’s Robin’s cell number and our home number.”

“Thanks. I can’t believe I met Denise Rivers! I can’t wait to tell all my friends.”

“I’m sure the news already got out she was at the reunion,” I sighed. “But Mom, promise me one thing. If people ask you about my relationship, you’ll be honest.”

“I am a proud Mom. My daughter is dating Denise Rivers!”

“Thanks, Mom,” I said. I thought about hugging her again, but then thought the better of it. Mom walked out of the hotel room.

I sat on the bed. I told Denise everything Mom had told me. “Poor you,” she said. “But at least you and your mom are talking again.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Well we should get back. I have to work tomorrow.”

Denise nodded. We packed up and soon got in the rental car.

I was silent on the plane ride home. When we got back, we had a nice dinner. Then Denise said she wanted to write. I lay down in our bed. I looked at my phone, with my mom’s phone number in it. I hesitated then I texted: I LOVE YOU MOM

It was a few minutes, then she texted back: I LOVE YOU TOO. It wasn’t much but it was a start. I fell asleep, feeling like a weight had been lifted. I had gone to my high school reunion and I had reconnected with Natalie and my mom. The past was in the past. 

I woke up in the middle of the night. Denise was next to me. I curled up in her arms, and fell back to sleep, content.