Catch

           So, what's the catch? There's always a catch. If something seems to be too good to be true, it probably is. Like, the idiots telling people they can sell these great knives to their friends and families and cutting a penny into a bottle opener. Pennies aren't hard to cut. A butter knife could cut a penny, but everyone oohs and ahhs. Wow, this scissor can cut a penny. Or, the infomercials that tell you the first five minutes are free, but the fine print tells you the first minute of the first five calls is free. Or the idiots on the telephone who keep asking seniors if they want a Medicare Supplement Insurance Policy. No, I don't. Or the texts, “Wow, have I got some great news for you. You're never going to believe it.” With this asshole, though, I had some fun, because my phone let them text this moron back. So, I texted, “Oh, boy. I'm so happy for you. You and your wife have waited for this moment for so long and all our prayers have been with you. You're going to be a father!!! She's pregnant!!! When's she due?” “What? No, that's not what this is about. But, I got a great opportunity for you.” “No, me and my girlfriend talked about it, and she she's too old to have a baby. We're happy with our dog. But, do you know if your wife is going to have a boy or a girl yet?” “You got this all wrong. Look, you can make a lot of money with this in five months.” “Five months? No, no, your wife'll have to wait nine months. Nine months.” “Look, man. There's no baby. Get babies out of your head and listen to this great offer. If you order now, you can get 2,000 dollars worth of bitcoin for only $50, but this won't last. This is sure to pass very soon.” “You're going to name the baby, Bitcoin. But, what if it's a girl?” “Forget it. I don't know what's going on with you. I'll try someone else.” “Tell your wife I send my blessings to her and your baby, Bitcoin.” 

           Then, there's the constant scam e-mails. You've won the Russian Lottery. Or this is your bank and we need go verify your information. Click on this link to verify your information. Want to buy a cable discrambler? Imagine being the customer service person at the front desk getting scams all the time. Wow! Just imagine. “Hello, thanks for choosing Walmart. How can we help you today?” “I want to return this TV I purchased two days ago. The screen stopped working.” The customer knows this is a scam. The cashier knows it's a scam. Hell, a four year old baby would know it's a scam, but the Walmart policy says customers can return an electronic product within one month if they have a receipt. However, everyone knows it's supposed to be the new product they just bought from the store, not the same product the idiot customer bought twenty years ago, wrapped in bubble wrap, and put in the new box. The customer knows it's bullshit. The cashier knows it's bullshit. But Walmart's policy allows it.

           “I see. You purchased this two weeks ago. What's wrong with it?” “The screen doesn't work.” In other words, this moron is trying to get a BOGO or his money back. Either way, it's a scam. But, they have to clarify what kind of a scam it is so this idiot can keep coming back to scam them and rob them blind. “I'd like to get another one that works.” Which means he's either looking for two TVs or this idiot has two TVs at home that don't work and will be back tomorrow exchanging his other old broken TV for a new TV. Moron. And he thinks we don't understand. Dumb company policies. 

           Then, there's tech. There's always a catch in technology. Like, bring in your old lap top and we'll take $300 off the purchace of your new laptop. Now, they're selling the old lap tops at $600.00 on Ebay or Amazon. Idiots. Oh, and we'll give you a year of free technical support. Yea, try a year of basic technical support. But if something more complicated happens, you have to pay $50 to talk to a technological wizard.  Idiots. Imagine all the idiot and scam calls these people must get. Things like my coffee holder broke. Is it under warranty? Coffee holder? What coffee holder? You know. You push the button in the middle of the computer above the power key and the coffee holder comes out. Then, the tech guy realizes this moron thought the CD-ROM drive was a coffee holder. Or the idiot who calls and asks where the any button is. What? What do you mean? The computer says to continue, I have to push any button and I don't see an any button. Where's the any button? Or the moron trying to fax something from his computer. So, we ask, Is the document on the screen? Yes. You opened up the fax program? Yes. Ok, push fax. Nothing's happening. It took us five hours to realize this genious had printed out the document and was pressing it against the monitor. Morons. “I'm running Windows 3.1 on a 386 with megs of RAM”. Call an historian. Or how do I hook up my Atari 8300 to my LG TV? “Who you gonna call?” Me and I don't mean Millenial Edition. 

           Don't even call me about a MAC. Just don't.

           Then there's the CNAs. Oh, the things we have to hear and deal with. Things like take that out of your mouth? Why? Because it isn't food and you can choke on it. Or, my mom's waiting for me outside in her car. I have to go outside. Now, if you tell them the truth that the 86 year old woman's mom has been dead for over forty years, they'll cry and make a fucking fuss, so I have to say, “I haven't seen your mom, but if I do, I'll be sure to let her know you're looking for her.”

           You soiled yourself. This is not a table. Hello, so and so. Fuck, it's a TIA. Damn it. One time we got locked out of the place. Had to get the place we were renting from to open the door.  Or one time a woman escaped who only spoke Spanish and she tried to enter a stranger's car. Damn it. Finally, after 30 minutes another client came and her daughter got her back into the place. I've had 96 year old women tell me they're 18 and I'm cute. I help men and women go to the bathroom. I see vaginas about 30 times a day. My girlfriend understands it's just part of the job. I transfer them from their wheelchair, take off their pants and diapers, they go to the bathroom, I clean them, redress them, transfer them back to the wheelchair, and we both wash and dry our hands. I came here as a guest magician. There's always a catch.