Ryan's Point of View

Death. It had always been the greatest mystery of them all for mankind, followed closely by the meaning of life and I think that is where the problem began. The mere prioritization of death over life. The words carpe-diem just that. Words. I had preached half my life that nothing was impossible and that we made our own destiny, everything in our control if we really wanted it to be. But I felt all my knowledge recede into nothing when I saw her. Nothing bracing me for seeing it first hand, the abyss of one’s soul when he/she’s lost a long drawn battle. Especially the scars which never surface, but are present nonetheless tattooed on one’s heart.

“Fi, I’m done!” My daughter called out from the small cubicle to find her aunt in tears. Ones she quickly wiped, replacing them with a smile that threatened outshining the sun.

“Okay sweetie let’s wash your hands and then we can go find Dan.” Her face though gaunt gave nothing away, not a hint of sadness oozing out of her as she looked at the toddler in pig-tails. Together hand-in-hand the duo shuffled out of the washroom towards the snacks joint. Loud unintelligible chatter filled the space. The movies a large melting pot for people of all races laughing, mumbling or eating. I could almost smell the aroma of the overly salted buttery popcorn, and fries. Prime example of life both alive and kicking, yet there we stood no more than shells of the people we once were, hands intertwined.

I saw Daniel standing at the ticket counter, as did she but no move was made to head over. The cogs in her head turning, her jaw sawing a she took him in. Maybe because she had always hated polo crew necks on guys with buzz cuts, or maybe because he was currently running his fingers up and down a blonde’s arm. The gesture easily friendly, easily something else. I saw her eyes shut, a downwards glance as she bolstered herself and my heart broke once again. My fingers grasped at the linen of my shirt above my chest and I wondered how it could affect me still.

“She needs support and I’d never shy away, you know that Fiona. I mean we all saw it coming from a mile away, but love does that to people.” I said handing her a dirty dish. “Make them take stupid decisions you mean?” She asked cheekily an eye turned towards our parents lingering in the hall-way. I raised a brow and she scoffed, her nostrils flaring, “well then don’t need me no love in life.” “You’ll understand one day, and believe me you’ll fight more fiercely than anyone I’ve ever seen.”

My tear-less eyes squeezed themselves shut, wishing I had bit my tongue that day. Behind my lids I imagined my baby sister, full of joy and that rebellious spirit of hers’ that could drown an entire room in its sheer brilliance. I imagined a life where she had not sacrificed herself for me, where she and Donna thrived peacefully.

“What are we watching babe?” Her voice was brisk announcing her arrival, but not imposing or protective. Like she had perfected her act of a harmless, docile wife. It had almost convinced me too, had I not seen her reach gingerly, longingly towards the queue for Avatar and chuckled. She had held onto a part of her, even if it was the most vain, most futile one. And just like that the urge to engulf her in a hug was too intense.

She turned around on cue with a small smile on her face when I settled for ruffling her hair. “Uh-definitely not that.” The blonde scoffed rolling her eyes, hand still gripping Daniel’s bicep. “How about, ‘he’s just not that into you’?” Her jab conspicuous and outright. Fiona looked at me, and I waited for her comeback biting my cheek. Her quick wit had never failed her, and it would definitely not start now. “Whatever. Just make it PG-13.”  She whispered eyes still fixed on me. Her voice small, a hollow echo of her once boisterous ramblings, and my blood boiled with rage. She wasn’t even going to put up a fight now? I clenched my fists, blood boiling with rage. Fiona had given up, and I could do nothing about it.

“The CPS said Rebecca didn’t show any signs…” “She’s been beating her! Don’t you get it? My niece is being abused by her own mother, while her scumbag brother pumps more whiskey into her. They’re not going to just give her up, while her trust money rides on the person with the custody!” Fiona screams at the lawyer hysterically. Blood rushing to her cheeks, her body shaking with the pent up adrenaline. Her eyes had gone wide, a crazed look in the glazed orbs as she slowly slumped down on the floor. “We gotta help her, I must help her…have to...” The words trailed off as bare repetitive mumbles while I cried right there, beside her. Head in my hands I saw her looking at her own like they were still drenched in blood from the accident.

I had remained by her side when she finally cried that day, clutching the bed sheets in agony. Crying out for me, even though I was right there mumbling reassurances I didn’t believe in myself. We had been orphans, but I had never wished for a mother more than I did for at that wretched moment she decided to marry Daniel.

I break out of my reverie when I hear my daughter whispering. How long into the movie were we? I didn’t even remember walking in the theatre. “Can I ask you something Fi?” She asked, big beady eyes shining in the dark reminding me of a similar set of blue ones that no longer sparkled. “Yeah Dee.” Fiona smiled tucking a stray lock behind her ear. Maybe she saw herself in those orbs too. “Why were you crying in the bathroom?” Her smile faltered before she reined whatever had slipped back inside, shielding my little girl, our little girl from any more pain than she had already gone through. “Oh baby those are just allergies. Remember how I told you before…” Her small head bobbed in understanding before she stopped, eyes narrowing back on her. “But I don’t think the toilets were dusty.” “Well, aren’t you the smarty pants!” Fiona retorted without missing a beat tickling her as both of them burst out in chuckles only to be shushed by the people sitting around us. “Seriously, I mean you’d would think she’s been to a movie before.” A scathing voice reprimanded.

Daniel sat with the blonde girl practically on her lap, not even one seat away with her lipstick smudged over his face like they were a bunch of teenagers. Anger, pure anger simmered in my veins and after a long while I felt it pulsating from Fiona too as she bared her teeth at him. “There’s a child with us, your niece! The least you could do is not pull out your dick in front of her.” She spat out the words with so much venom I knew she’d respond this time if he dared hit her. When she was sure Daniel wasn’t going to do anything she grabbed Donna’s hand and stormed out.

“Why are we leaving Fi? The movie isn’t over yet.” Donna protested from behind as we speed-walked out, but my eyes remained fixed on my sister. She didn’t reassure her, didn’t stop nor breathe until they were back at the now empty arcade. I was so proud of her, even when she fell to her knees, sobs racking freely through her body. She had proved me wrong, and she had been so brave while doing it. Her will wasn’t broken, she hadn’t given up and even though I had never seen her break down like this since the accident, clutching Donna to her chest, I knew she’d find a way out.

And so I let her cry until I felt her burden lighten, telling myself it was a choice to give her space this time. Her cries softened to whimpers as she composed herself and stood up wiping her eyes of any traces of tears. Resting Donna on her hip she apologized to her softly, fervently for scaring her.

Maybe she felt my own welled up eyes on her as she met them with a soft smile now playing on her lips. Fiona pulled in a long breath, ragged with effort and I would have smiled back if she hadn’t walked away oblivious to the fact that she had passed right through me.