Lost Letter

The young boy sat down at his desk in the midst of the crisp autumn night. His hand trembled ever so slightly as he reached for a black pen out from the mug on his desk and the dark blue spiral notebook from the drawer. Tears began to prick his eyes as he flipped open the notebook, starting to write a letter that was addressed to no one in particular. "Dear to whoever may be unfortunate enough to come across this," the letter started. With an intake of breath and slow shaky exhale, he began to write his message; his final message.

"I, Dylan Jones, have decided that this is where my story ends," he wrote. "this is where I can take control of my life, for the small amount of time it remains." Dylan tried to blink away the tears that were beginning to blur his vision, and although it worked, his page was now officially tear-stained. He began writing again, and he lost track of how his emotions flowed from his mind to his pen, to his paper. He wrote about everything that pained him, and everything that he could no longer bear. Dylan wrote about the many demons that took up his head and how they affected him on a day to day basis, how every day felt like he was stuck underwater, unable to breathe with a heavy weight chained to his ankle while everybody around him walked about freely and breathing easily.

Dylan choked on a sob that was crawling its way out his throat as he wrote the final lines "I apologize to everyone I may disappoint, and to myself for feeling like this is the only true option to free myself of this burden, to free me from myself. I'm truly, deeply sorry but I can’t go on any longer." He took a moment to rub his eyes and cheeks from the tears that covered them before signing the letter and gently folding it. Dylan shrugged on his coat that was sitting on the back of his chair before sliding the letter into his coat pocket and heading towards his bedroom door before quietly making his way outside.

His mind raced with all of his thoughts that he had been repressing for years. It was as if the writing of the letter opened the floodgates to all his negative memories, thoughts and emotions that he's been holding back for fear of them being self-destructive. He wasn't wrong in thinking they would be self-destructive, however, he was hoping to repress them for just a little while longer in hopes they would go away completely. Much to his dismay, the ones that escaped his self-made forcefield lead him to this very moment that he was hoping he'd never find himself in. Dylan sat on the edge of a bridge, his legs dangling high above the chilled water below him. His mind was so busy running rampant that he hadn't fully realized where he was until the cool night breeze shifted his hair from his teary eyes that were filled with sorrow and anger that was directed towards himself.

He glanced down at the water below him before tilting his head back and letting out a soft sigh discontent. "Here goes nothing." Dylan said as he reached into his pocket to retrieve the letter so he could set out his final goodbye, only to find that it was missing. "No!" he shouted, "It was just here!". Dylan frantically checked all his pockets in search of his missing letter. His jean pockets were turned inside out along with his jacket pockets and the letter was nowhere to be found. Dylan rubbed his face in slight frustration but it wasn't much because he was too tired to care about anything anymore. He began thinking about his letter, where it could've gone or landed. It's not like he would need one, just a simple shove and he'd have the results he wanted, it just didn't feel right for him to leave without a final goodbye. His mind wandered to the moment everything went wrong, the moment that lead him here. There's not a specific moment, but a time frame that’s all hazy in his mind. How his mind slowly began to fight against him, how every little thing he did began to intrigue him less and less. He began to feel like everything and everyone was against him, judging him, shunning him, or were going to cut him out of their lives soon.

"I'm such a fucking idiot." he said as his hands covered his face. He began to remember how he pushed everyone away before they could hurt him, how he built up walls around him so no one could get closer without him realizing. He thought about the only person who could ever break down his walls and how he shoved them out of his life once he realized what they did. He was so vulnerable once they were gone. His shield was lowered, his sword was gone, and he had to start from scratch in order to rebuild his walls so no one could get near him ever again. He decided he was going to build them bigger and stronger so there was no possible way anyone could tear them down again.

Ultimately, his isolation was his downfall. His demons were the only ones who communicated with him, feeding him rotten thoughts and negative emotions. They snuck into his mind by masquerading as positive thoughts and happy memories before quickly turning sour and spoiling the thing they were disguised as. The forms they took on ranged anywhere from a simple feeling of happiness to a lovely memory of the one person Dylan got close to. Those memories turned sour and soon Dylan’s one true connection was tainted with a negative hue.

As his feet dangled over the edge, Dylan's eyes began to well up with tears once again at the thought of the one person who made him so vulnerable. Rudy. A boy named Rudy Smith was the one in a million person who saw good in Dylan's eyes. The boy who made Dylan's heart sing like a choir of angels. The boy who tore down Dylan's walls without any protest from Dylan himself. Only until Dylan realized what Rudy had done, in which he pushed Rudy away completely. He pushed away the only person he's ever truly loved.

"I was so stupid" Dylan muttered to himself "I was so stupid to push him away, without ever telling him why." His mind switched to the moment his relationship with Rudy went down the wrong path. It wasn't the fault of either boys, but rather, the fault of Dylan's heart. He began to fall in love with Rudy, every little thing Rudy did made his heart skip a beat. He was wrapped around Rudy's finger so tightly, unknowingly to either of them until Dylan felt butterflies in his stomach whenever he laid eyes on Rudy, and how his eyes were fixated on Rudy's lips whenever Rudy wasn't paying attention. Dylan could describe them in detail and was ashamed of it too but he didn't feel enough shame to stop him from thinking about giving Rudy a soft and tender kiss every now and again, or Rudy's laugh whenever he felt sad, but Rudy's heart-lifting laugh was fading from his memory and the vision of Rudy’s lips would surely turn sour with time if Dylan didn’t try to stop it.

Dylan rose from his spot and began to back away from the edge of the bridge. He stumbled a bit as he tried to gain his surroundings once again. The thought of Rudy pulled him away from his plans of ending the demons inside his head and himself. His mind was still hazy, and he wasn't quite sure what he was doing, but he began to run. He ran as fast as he could away from the bridge and instead of going home, he took a different route. As the demons in his mind told him to turn back, to go back to the bridge or just go home, he did his best to ignore them. As the monster in his mind told him to leave the thought of Rudy at the bridge and never think of how badly he wanted to reconnect with him, he kept running. He ran until he stood in front of the steps of Rudy's house while the crickets chirped beside him.

As he climbed up the steps, heavily breathing as his heart was thumping wildly in his chest from the running and from what he was about to do. He knocked on the door. He knocked quite violently, shouting out for Rudy on the other side of the door without a thought or a care of waking up the neighbourhood. His heart rate began to calm down just a bit, but he felt his body shaking from nervousness and excitement merged as one emotion.

Slowly the door opened to reveal a very groggy and confused Rudy who held a metal baseball bat with one hand while his mother stood at the top of the stairs in her pyjamas with sleep still apparent in her eyes. "Dylan?" he asked, his confusion turning into astonishment once he recognized who was pounding on his door “What are you doing here?” Dylan couldn't help the big smile that found its way to his face at the sight of Rudy or the tears that began to stream down his face at the sound of his voice. 

"Hi, Rudy".