Not a Scratch

A polar chill ran down my seventh grade spine as Mr. Cliff, the principal of Daniel Webster Middle School, marched past me. His rank mummified breath saturated my face and infiltrated my defenseless schnoz.

I once imagined evil embodied the smell of raw onions.

I was dead wrong.

You see my science teacher, Mr. Rattlehammer, has wicked onion breath. He eats onions like apples, especially red onions, (which are purple) and actual onion sandwiches. This year on the first day of school, he assigned not one, but two projects, due by the end of the week. Evil. As he meandered past me, his mouth stench wafted up my innocent nostrils. I gagged. I tried to control it, but then I barfed all over his desk including his laptop. The chunky pink kind. You can imagine his reaction and his glaring hatred of me.

The dismissed class celebrated in the hallways, while I was thrown to the nurse. Janitor Joe arrived in a hazmat suit to clean up my once tasty breakfast. The science teacher raged and nearly quit due to the retched situation.

The next day, ‘the Hammer’ relegated me to the back of the classroom and always called me ‘Mr. Carpenter’ with extreme prejudice (history class). I became his public enemy numero uno. No matter the branch of science, he never failed to give me the most difficult question. He would give sweet Susie Walters, his favorite, a lollipop question.

“Susie, what is the control center of the cell?” Mr. Rattlehammer asked.

“The nucleus?” Susie replied.

“Great job, Susie. Here is your lollipop.” (He handed her a Dum-Dum.)

“Thank you, Mr. Rattlehammer.”

“Mr. Carpenter. " He dramatically paused. “What do you call the genetic material inside the nucleus and what are the four basic proteins?”

Of course, you know its DNA, right?

My 6th grade science fair project (I’m raising my eyebrows).

The Hammer did not know about that.

I replied, “I dinna know (science pun).” No reaction from classmates. The teacher’s left eye twitched. I cleared my throat.

“DNA. Dioxyribonucleic acid. Adenine, guanine, cytosine, and thymine.”

“Spell it.” The Hammer pounded.

“I.T.”

My classmates laughed and then cheered for me, but not for long. The teacher’s face turned purple like his favorite snack. No lollipop for me.

Mr. Rattlehammer said, “Since Mr. Carpenter had read ahead in the book, you can join him in reading chapter four and answering all the review questions. Due tomorrow.”

After class, I received my first of many death threats.

However, inhaling leeks would be heaven compared to the decomposing corpse rot invading my nasal passages right now.

“Let’s get something clear, Mr. Carpenter, your actions and attitude these past few hours has been anything but exemplary.” Mr. Cliff said.

He opened a file on his oak desk and then closed it. “I should have expelled you for the kissing…”

“Expelled!” I cried out. A hurling sensation gurgled below. I need air. Now!

“Are you alright? You look deathly pale.” Mr. Cliff asked with a sly grin.

The office door sprung open and a fresh wind cooled my overheated skin. It settled my stomach. Mr. Scratch smiled and then gagged from the pervading reek. He held his nose.

“What in unholy hell is that odor, Mr. Cliff.” He stared at the principal. “Demona? What are you doing here? And why do smell like a zombie swamp?”

“I do?” He sniffed his armpits. “It must be this human’s personality.”

With a single finger snap, the odors wafted away and Mr. Cliff transformed.

He morphed from a dumpy middle-aged man into a Victoria Secret’s model minus the underwear. I mean, she wasn’t naked. She wore clothes and not just fitted undies. At least I didn’t know if she was wearing underwear under her very tight red dress. I wasn’t trying to find out, but I looked. She was right there in my face!

She noticed that I noticed. She stood up and sauntered next to me. A sultry purr greeted me.

“Hey, hero.”

“Josh,” Mr. Scratch growled, “Close your mouth and stop staring.”

I took his advice.

“Lou, I came here to clean up your mess.” She teased my hair. “You didn’t say how cute he was. So cute. So delicious.”

She winked at me. I was Play-Doh in her soft manicured hands.

“Everything is going as planned. He made a deal with me, Demona. Your presence is not required. According to diabolical law…”

“Relax, Lou. I just came here to assist. You want my help, don’t you, Joshy?”

I couldn’t speak. I shook my head like a moron.

“Release him now or…”

“What? You are going to report me to the principality.” She scoffed.

Mr. Scratch put his hand on my back. The spell was broken.

“You alright?” Lou whispered.

“Not a scratch, sir.”

“Get back to class, kid. I need to speak to Mr. Cliff, alone.”

“Yes sir.”

I scrambled to the door, but it was locked. I desperately jiggled the handle.

“Don’t forget this Josh.” Mr. Scratch tossed my backpack. “You’re gonna need it.”

I caught it. The door opened and I bolted. I slammed the door behind me.

You know that expression ‘Out of frying pan and into the fire’?

“Joshua Emmanuel Carpenter get in my office. Now!”

I’m in trouble with mom. She middle named me.

I sprinted into her arms and hugged until my eyes watered. The sweet and refreshing scent of honey, coconut, and lavender revived my soul and calmed my fears.

She patted my back and guided me to a comfy chair in her office. She sat in her ergonomic chair and placed her hands in front of her long nose.

“Joshua, be honest, what’s going on with you today?”

I hesitated. I had to tell someone, but if I told then all were doomed.

“Honey, if you don’t talk to me than I’ll be forced to….”

“When I was alone in the house, before I ran to school…I … felt…”

“Go ahead, sweetie.”

“I really missed Dad. " I actually did. “I just got this feeling that something was wrong. Then when I got here, all hell broke loose.”

“Language, son.”

“Yes ma’am, sorry. Just frustrated, I cannot see Dad.”

“Not all went bad. According to Hallie, you had ‘spectacular time” in the closet. " She grinned. “Was that your first kiss?”

Full disclosure: It was not my first kiss. That special honor went to Susie Walters on the sixth grade field to the planetarium. It was dark, we were holding hands. No teachers in sight. The stars glimmered perfectly in her blue eyes. A quick peck. The lights came on and she never spoke to me again.

So what would you tell your mom? Exactly.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“It was special. Hallie is a great girl. Is she your girlfriend?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t have time to talk.”

“She beamed when she spoke about you.”

I blushed.

“What was it like?”

“What?” I asked.

“The kiss, silly.” She moved over to my side and plopped down next to me.

“I.. I don’t know if I should tell you about it. You’re my mom.”

“I have a photo. A student snapped a picture from the library just as the janitor’s door opened. “

“What!” I knew I saw a flash.

She showed me the picture. Not bad, but this is so bizarre. I have no doubt it will be in the yearbook.

Mom sighed, “You two are so precious. I’m glad my first kiss wasn’t recorded. It was awkward and strange. His name was…”

“Mom! I don’t want to know. Please!”

“Okay, maybe another time.” She held my hand. “I miss your father too. How about this, after school, we video chat with him? I’ll text him and set it up for tonight.”

“Sounds great.” I hugged her again.

All these years since and I can still feel that hug.

She stood and smiled at me. “Per Hallie’s request, at 11 am, a Good Food Assembly will be happening. Do you think you can stay out of trouble until then?”

“Yes ma’am.”

I sure hope so.

“I’m sending you to Mr. Rattlehammer’s study hall until the assembly.” She wrote a note for me and placed it in my hand. “Go straight to class, no detours, no issues. I love you, Joshua Emmanuel Carpenter.”

“I promise. I also have elevated affections for you.”

I walked to her door and stopped.

“Hey Mom, would you sign a petition I started?”

“Maybe. About what?”

“It’s against the cupcakes.” I pulled out my dilapidated paper.

She read it and then signed it. “At least I’m in good company. Now get back to class.”

I retrieved the paper, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and dashed from the office.

Only two more signatures to go. I skipped down the trash littered hallway.

Through the ancient PA system, my mom’s sweet voice announced: “Attention all students and staff. Attention all students and staff. There will be a Good Food Assembly at 11 am in the auditorium. No food or drinks will be allowed into the auditorium. Teachers will be sent a schedule of arrival and departure times for your classes. Remember 11 am today. Have a Good Food Day!”

Wait. Why is she sending me to the Hammer? I should be going to the gym.

I stopped at the science lab and peered through the rectangular window.

Mr. Rattlehammer ‘s face blocked the view. He cracked open the door, yet an onion tsunami melted my nose hairs.

“What do you want, Mr. Carpenter?”

I handed him the note. His face soured. He let me in.

“The eighth grade is preparing for an exam. Do not disturb them. Find something to do or I will find something for you.” He pointed to the back corner. “Sit by Hallie and no talking.” He closed the door.

My mom is the best. Hallie waved to me.

Before I can move to her, there was a distinct knocking on the door glass.

The Imperial March. Not good.

“Who are you?” The Hammer barked.

“I am Mr. Scratch, the cupcake guy. Here’s a mint, bro. I need to speak to Joshua Car… There you are. It will be just a moment. Thank you. ”

Without receiving permission, he dragged me into the hallway and shut the door.

“What is it Lou? Trying to scare me again?”

“Listen Josh, I am breaking a lot of rules, just meeting with you again. But Demona has forced my hand.”

“Who is she?”

“My business partner and a devil with a particular appetite for young boys.”

“She wants to eat me!”

“Not exactly, but she wants your tender soul. It keeps her looking… well you saw her.”

“She can’t have it!”

“Calm down. I have invoked the right of first refusal. She can’t touch you, yet.”

“What are you talking about?”

Lou ran his black nails through his raven hair. “Don’t worry. I got dibs, but she made an offer on your soul.”

“An offer?”

“She has offered you a separate deal from the first. You can reject it and stick with our contract. Or you could reject ours and accept hers.”

“What’s her offer?”

“I can’t tell you nor offer advice. I can only tell you if you refuse it, then I will be forced to change our agreement.”

“This is so complicated.”

“Tell me about it. The paperwork is even worse. So what will it be, Josh?” He put his head down.

It was an easy decision. The devil you know.

“Mr. Scratch, I trust you. I refuse her offer.”

Thunder echoed off the steel lockers.

“Seriously? You trust me? That’s great! I thought for sure…whatever, it’s just business.”

“So, what’s the change in the contract?” I asked.

Mr. Scratch straightened his tie and smoothed out his suit. A black fedora appeared in his hands. The hat tricked it’s way to the top of his head.

“You must now obtain… twenty signatures before noon. Good luck. See you at lunch.”

Before I could react, Lou smirked and vanished with all my hopes and dreams.

If I had screamed, I would have shattered the triple-pane, bullet proof, gas infused windows protecting the science lab.

I retreated to my chair in quiet defeat.

My eyes witnessed a concerned smile from my girlfriend.

My face failed to respond.

My head surrendered to Hallie’s shoulder.

In despair, I cried.