Future Fears

  Samantha startles awake. She is disoriented until her senses slowly start reconnecting her to reality; like the light from the streetlamp outside her window, the sound of the train rushing past her dorm room apartment, the smell of eucalyptus from the diffuser her mom bought her for her cold, and the feel of her jersey bed sheets damp with her sweat. As the puzzle of the physical world around her fell into place, the memory of her dream also takes shape.

Samantha reaches underneath her pillow, her hand sliding back and forth across the sheets until her fingers alights upon her phone. She grabs it and clicks the home key. She winces as the too bright light from the home screen screams that it is 5:36 a.m. Samantha groans and angrily, exhaustedly, collapses back onto her bed. She closes her eyes as an internal debate rages within her; to sleep or not to sleep, that is the question. It is a rhetorical question, of course. Samantha’s dream, or nightmare, settles the argument for her. With a mournful sigh, she slides from the warm, tangled embrace of her bed sheets. 

***

“Someone had a rough night.” Sam looks up from her biochemistry textbook to see her friend Cassidy standing in front of the coveted library booth Sam had managed to snag. Sam laughs , “Oh yeah, how can you tell?” Cassidy slides into the opposite side of the booth, her eyes looking into Sam’s disapprovingly. It was a legitimate question. Sam never left her apartment without looking impeccable. Today, she was wearing a forest green tank top with a white maxi skirt that made her want to spin in circles and pull a Marilyn Monroe. Her dark brown hair was pulled back into a high ponytail because she hated hair hanging in her face while studying. Her naturally tan skin glowed, her imperfections erased with a light layer of concealer, and her hazel eyes sparkled, their size and shape accentuated by her mascara-enhanced eyelashes. From looking at Sam, you would not guess that Sam despised shopping. With that said, she loved how empowered and in control the right outfit, accessories, and makeup could make her feel. With the right dress and heel, she could command the attention of her classmates before she even began her presentation on the hyperphosphorylation and aggregation of tau in mice. With the right lip gloss and a smile, she could summon the cute guy from across the bar to her side. She appreciated how the right outfit could project an illusion of herself, an illusion that was confident, that was sure, that knew what she wanted from life and how to get it. 

“That’s coffee from the library’s cafe.” Cassidy points at the cup in front of Sam. “You never buy coffee, and even if you did, you wouldn’t buy it from the library. Something is up; talk to me. ” Cassidy leans back into her side of the booth, obviously feeling a little cocky about her astute analysis of Samantha’s state of mind, though sincerely concerned about her friend. Sam chuckles dryly, “Okay, Nancy Drew, you caught me. I had a bad dream and it woke me up early this morning. I decided not to go back to bed and instead study for my biochemistry exam this Friday.” Cassidy’s brow furrows and she says, “That must have been one heck of a dream.” Sam nods her head in agreement, “It was a weird one. I’m not usually the type to be bothered by my dreams.” 

“Okay, tell me about your ‘weird’ dream,” Cassidy says as she settles further into the booth and crosses her arms across her chest, the universal sign to spill the tea. Sam sighs and averts her eyes to the ceiling as she tries to capture in words the amorphous images of last night’s dream.

“I was getting married. I was wearing a white wedding dress… and I was standing in this church... and the man I was going to marry was standing in front of me, but he didn’t have a face and there was something wrong with him.”

“Well yeah there was something wrong with him, he didn’t have a face!” Cassidy laughs. 

“No, it was something else. Maybe it’s more accurate to say there was something wrong with me. The dream version of me kept going back and forth on whether or not I should marry this guy. Why did I say yes? Why would I say no? And as I’m going back and forth with myself, I suddenly feel him looking at me, and I can tell that he’s angry. I don’t know how I knew that, but I could just feel it roll over me like hot dog’s breath. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t run away as he started yelling at me, ‘How do you not know?! How do you not know what you want?! What do you want?! Tell me! What do you want?!’ And suddenly he stops, and he’s not there, the church is not there, and it’s just me surrounded by nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing.” Sam squirms a little under Cassidy’s intense gaze. “The last thing I remember from the dream before I woke up was his voice saying, ‘You’ll never be happy if you don’t know’.” Sam takes a deep breath and meets Cassidy’s gaze with a dismissive, self-conscious smirk. “I guess it’s time to roll me off to the looney bin.” Cassidy shakes her head disapprovingly, deftly maneuvering Sam’s deflection. 

“Dreams can simultaneously be meaningful or complete nonsense. They can be a reflection of our inner thoughts and feelings, or they can reflect that we ate spicy food before bed.” Sam snorts and a little bit of Cassidy’s concern dissipates. “However, I don’t think you should chalk your dream up to an overactive imagination. It obviously represents something deeper, or else it wouldn’t have woken you up from a sound sleep.”

“So what do you think it means?” Sam asks while absentmindedly biting at a hangnail. 

Cassidy shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m a computer science major, not a psychologist.” Cassidy’s declaration doesn’t stop her from mulling the question over anyways. “Could the wedding represent commitment issues?” 

“No, it’s not that.” And Sam knew deep down that it wasn’t. Even though Sam has not dated anyone since her junior year of high school, she knew she didn’t have a problem with commitment. Sam was always open to the possibility of love, but she didn’t feel the need to constantly be hunting for it like some of her friends. In fact, Sam had come to really value and appreciate her time single. It allowed her to define her self-worth outside the confines of a relationship. This was one of the reasons why Sam did not like romantic films. It felt like they all had the same leading female, a strong, smart, funny, and empathetic woman who is not aware that she possesses these qualities until the leading man acknowledges her. Sam didn’t want to be in a relationship because she needs someone to recognize everything she has to offer. Sam wants to be with someone because they make each other better people and happy. Sam knew this dream did not represent commitment issues. 

“Hey, Cass, how did you know you wanted to major in computer science?” Cassidy raises her eyebrows at the sudden change of conversation, but she can tell Sam is not trying to avoid the issue. 

“Hmmm, ever since I played my first video game, which was Tak and the Power of Juju on PS2. Some of my best memories as a kid are playing video games with my cousins, who were all boys. I couldn’t beat them in basketball or tag, but it didn’t matter how strong I was when we played video games. And…” Cassidy hesitates for a brief moment before continuing, “... when my parents were going through their divorce, video games provided a place for me to escape during the fighting and bad years. I guess I just wanted to be able to do the same for someone else out there.” Cassidy looks at Sam and is surprised to see that her honest response appears to have made Sam more anxious. 

“Sam, what’s wrong?” Cassidy reaches across the table to grab the hand Sam’s been chewing. Sam looks Cassidy in the eyes, her own brimming with barely contained panic. 

“You know what you want to do with your life and why. I don’t. I came to university because I thought I wanted to be the first neuroscientist to find a cure for Alzheimer’s, the disease my grandfather has. But I hated all of my classes, I was miserable. So I decided to become a doctor instead. That wouldn’t be too far off-course from my original dream. I started taking the premed classes and changed my major to biology. But I still hate my classes...” Sam gestures at her biochemistry textbook. “... and I am surrounded by people who are more passionate about medicine than me. People who are excited by the idea of working in a lab over the summer or shadowing a doctor or scribing for a hospital.” Sam pauses and looks out across the library at the hunched, sleep-deprived forms of her fellow college students. “I feel that if I’m not even half as passionate as them, then maybe I’m not meant to be a doctor. I’m just so afraid that I have wasted two years of tuition money and loans to find out that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Nothing scares me more right now than living a life devoid of passion for my chosen career. And I’m worried that if I don’t figure out what I want to do with my life, then I’ll never be happy.” Sam pulls her hand from Cassidy’s grasp to take her hair out of its ponytail, hoping that will relieve the headache that’s forming behind her right eye. She runs her fingers through her hair and takes a deep breath to settle her racing heart. 

“With all that said, I’m not sure I’m brave enough to make the changes I need to pursue my passion, whatever that is. There are my parents to consider in all of this as well. They’ve always wanted me to become a doctor or an engineer. They have sacrificed so much for me to be here today. I couldn’t stand to disappoint them.” Sam folds her arms on the table and lays her head down. “I just don’t know what I should do, Cass.” Sam closes her eyes until the prolonged silence causes her to reopen them. Cassidy is staring down at Sam. She does not appear to be exasperated by Sam’s outburst, nor does she appear to be pitying Sam for her predicament. In fact, Sam sees the corners of Cassidy’s mouth fighting to turn upwards. 

“And what do you think is so funny?” Sam asks, a little defensively. 

“Sorry, Sam, but I can’t help myself. You’re 20-years old and you’re having a midlife crisis!” Cassidy giggles while Sam glares at her. However, Cassidy’s laughter is infectious and Sam soon joins her. They don’t stop until several angry shushes silence them. Cassidy and Sam compose themselves.

“Sam, do you remember that mobile game I was obsessed with a couple of weeks back?” Cassidy asks turning back to the issue at hand, though a little mirth still colors her cheeks. 

Sam thinks, “Are you talking about that escape room game you were playing on your phone all weekend and that you skipped your Monday classes for?”

“Yep, that’s the one! It had all of these puzzles and clues that you had to solve in order to escape each room. You want to know why I like that game so much?”

Sam allows the silence to extract the answer from Cassidy. 

“Sometimes I would find a clue really early in the game that didn’t come into play until much later. Other times I would be looking all over the same room for hours for anything that may help me escape. And every time I escaped one room, I would end up in another room that was even harder to escape from. I like the game for a lot of different technical reasons. I love the game because of its deeper meaning. Sometimes we carry the pieces to our destiny with us for a really long time, waiting until the right moment when everything fits together. Other times, the answer is right in front of us, but we can’t see it until we change our perspective. And, as we rise to meet each challenge that life throws our way, we all must accept that we will never have all of the answers and that there will always be more rooms to explore.” Cassidy smiles warmly at Sam, feeling slightly proud of her insightful metaphor. 

“Yeah, but you could ask for hints when playing the game.” Sam teases, deflating some of Cassidy’s ego. Cassidy’s words do resonate with Sam, though, and her anxiety escapes from her like air from an overinflated bike tire. “So what you’re saying,” Sam starts, “is that I’m just in a room that I’m not ready to unlock, but that’s okay. I’ll figure it out as long as I don’t give up.”

“You sound like an overly optimistic Disney character when you put it that way, but that’s about the gist of it.” Cassidy reaches across the table to give Sam a mockingly encouraging bump to the shoulder. “With that said, it sounds like you’re not satisfied with the path you’re on right now. I think you should consider changing your major to a different field. I know you’re afraid of disappointing your parents, but you should be more afraid of disappointing yourself. Your parents don’t have to live with your regrets.” Sam nods her head in agreement, though she feels some of her anxiety return. 

“Cass, would you mind walking with me to the registrar’s office?” 

Cassidy smiles and helps her friend clear the table before walking out of the library and into the sunlight.