The Voices In Your Head

Quietly, quietly, so as not to disturb the voices in your head, you dipped your bare feet in the roaring river, embracing the chill of the water. You gave a sigh of relief, to be out of your lonely home.

  "What are you doing here?" a sharp tone asked from behind you.

  "Nothing! Just looking at the river," you said, scrambling out of said water. Your heart dropped to your stomach, because you recognized this person. This beautiful girl you've loved since you laid eyes on her. Well, maybe not at that exact moment, but it definitely sounds more romantic. But anyway, your begrudgingly closest friend is supposed to be off limits, right?

   “Seems like you’re doing more than looking. You’re not trying to do anything funny are you?” Keyona asked you, her silvery blue eyes pierced into yours. 

   “We probably have different views on ‘funny’,” you replied lightly, hoping you’re disguising the butterfly tornado going on inside of you. Keyona raised her perfectly arched eyebrows at you, the shadow of a smirk across her gorgeous lips. 

   “One thing I find funny, is how you come here almost every day, get more than half of yourself wet, and sometimes even dunk yourself completely in, and stay in so long it doesn’t seem normal,” she said.

   “Well if we’re talking about funny things, it’s funny that you pay so much attention to me,” you retorted. She came closer to you, so close you could smell her perfume, and oh, how you would’ve loved to keep that scent in your memories forever. It’s all you could do to not close your eyes and get lost in your dreams. But you knew that in the silence the voices would take over.

   “You’re avoiding my question,” she whispered. You held her intense stare.

   “You never asked one.” Keyona sighed.

   “Are you gonna make this hard? You’re a very secretive person, you know,” she said. You smirked.

   “It’s part of my badass façade. Besides, why do you care?” you asked, and you noticed a red tinge creeping on Keyona’s dark skin.

   “Well I don’t. But any girl, or just anyone, who sees a random person trying to drown themselves in their river is bound to take an interest in them.”

   “Pretty sure that means you do care…”

   “Oh shut up. All I’m saying is, don’t die okay?” she said, rolling her eyes.

   “I feel the love. Besides-” you cut off sharply. Don’t tell her you idiot. 

   “Besides what?” she asked. You gave a huff of frustration.

   “You’re a very nosy person. Spying on me, confronting me, questioning me, just leave me alone!” you snapped. For a moment, Keyona looked upset, you could see the hurt in her eyes. But then she flipped her long dark hair over her shoulder and turned away from you.

   “Fine!” she snapped back. “Sorry to bother you.” You felt terrible. You finally had a moment to talk to Keyona without fighting, and you botched it. You couldn’t even dwell in your self-loathing though. Because those overwhelming voices fed on your negative emotions. As you walked home, you couldn’t stop the tears from blurring your vision. Why can’t I just be normal? Why am I this major screwup? You couldn’t answer these questions. You couldn’t find an answer as to why you heard voices whispering, speaking, screaming in your head. You didn’t know why you couldn’t drown. You couldn’t breathe underwater, but you also couldn’t die down there. A peaceful death was all you wanted, and even that was taken away from you. 

   You opened the creaky wooden door to your one bedroom house, if you could even call it that. You collapsed in your rocking chair, and buried your face in your hands. Then you heard a knock at the door. Clearing your throat, taking a quick glance in the mirror making sure you looked presentable at best, you made your way to the door. You opened the door, and shocked, just stared at Keyona’s tall, strong figure staring back at you. Before you could say anything, she grabbed you and hugged you tightly.

   “Keyona, what the hell is wrong with you?” you asked, voice muffled. She let go of you, flustered. She regained her composure quickly enough.

   “I’m sorry. I didn’t need to berate you with my nosy questions, and then I got defensive too fast. I guess I just, um, need you to know that I don’t want you to drown yourself, okay?” she told you. Now. Now was the perfect moment to finally tell someone how scared you were of yourself. It didn’t have to do with the fact that you had a major crush on Keyona, and therefore couldn’t help but trust her a little bit. But yeah, she might’ve been your best friend, but then again you didn’t have anybody else to compare this friendship to. And Keyona always seemed like she hated you, or...maybe she hated to love you? Ugh no. She never would love me. Not the batshit crazy human I am. But you knew it was only a matter of time before you completely lost your grasp on everything. If you didn’t tell someone, you’d break.

   “I hate how people are so needy.” You didn’t mean to say that out loud, it just came out. Just say it, just tell her, you silently thought to yourself. I can’t do this. 

   “A person should have someone they feel they can talk to. If I’m that person for you, then I’m honored,” Keyona said earnestly. You sighed.

   “I’m going to be completely honest with you,” you started. “And I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me when I’m done. But you might want to sit down.” You offered her your rocking chair, the only slightly comfortable piece of furniture in the main room. She sat down and looked at you expectantly.

   “Well, um. Yeah, so, I think it’s really nice that you care about me enough to like, not want me to drown. But well, I can’t,” you said awkwardly. Keyona frowned questioningly, but kept her mouth shut. “I physically can’t drown. I can’t breathe underwater, but I can’t lose breath underwater either. And I hear… I hear voices. Always in my brain, like hammers banging on nails.” 

   “You...can’t die from water. And you...you hear voices?” Keyona summed up, in a tone that you thought was skeptical. You nodded, and regretted ever saying anything in the first place. “I, well I can’t believe it,” she muttered.

   “I know. I’m crazy and need to be lock-”

   “No,” she interrupted you. She captured your attention with those deep, piercing eyes. “I mean, maybe. But if you do, that means I do too.” 

   “What?” you asked.

   “What?”

   “What?” 

   Keyona laughed. “I’m not the only crazy person in the world! Ha! You don’t understand how happy that makes me!” she said. She did. She looked so happy. And you didn’t know why exactly. The two of you were still insane. And, in all honesty, you had a hard time believing her. Because you were so different. Hearing these ominous voices made you an ominous person. She wasn’t. Keyona was like a breath of fresh air, the only one in that desolate town who was capable of looking at the bright side of things.

   But...but. You didn’t exactly care if she was telling the truth. If she was willing to admit, even falsely, that she was just as messed up as you, then hey, maybe there was hope for you yet. Like a fool, you felt a smile creeping on your face without your control. Maybe life won’t be so bad, if Keyona was by your side.