One Foolish Regret.

“And they lived happily ever after” Olivia whispered and quietly closed the fairy tale book in her lap. Slowly her eyes moved to a sleeping thirteen years old girl, and a small smile tagged in her lips, even though the ache in her chest grew stronger. Sarah Kinn was only ten years old when the doctors first discovered she had cancer. Since then, the fierce girl has never stopped fighting. But in the last two months, it seemed as if her body was finally surrounding. Now she was lying on a hospital bed at the children's sector, and Olivia felt sick at the mere thought that this strong girl might not make it.

Olivia tucked the girl to keep her warm during the night and stood on shaking legs leaving this suffocating room behind. By the time she was out of the hospital, her lungs were burning from the inside. Olivia opened her black purse and fumbled with its contents until she finally found what she was looking for. She wasn’t a smoker - not anymore that is- but on days like this one, she’d let this one bad habit slide, and lit one cigarette to numb the burning pain that seemed to follow her everywhere. It was only when she inhaled the toxic chemicals into her lungs, that Olivia finally felt like she could breathe.

But Olivia was so focused on trying to regain control, that she didn’t notice the sound of a door opening and closing nor the light steps that followed. Only when a soft voice startled her, she realized she was no longer alone. “Why do it?” the nurse on her right asked as she pulled her cigarette into her mouth. “Why every year on April’s fools I find you in our hospital helping whoever needs the help?” Olivia didn’t turn her eyes from the parking lot, even as she felt the nurse’s gaze burning her.

 “Why doing charity, instead of pulling pranks, or spending time with friends and family?”

 Olivia’s eyes turn to the nurse, a small and sed smile danced on her lips. The ache returned to her chest. This time not from sorrow, but guilt.

“That’s a long story” she muttered under her breath. “I have been dying to ask you that for years. And I have some time to spare”. 

“Well, I guess it all started when I was fifteen…” Olivia whispered, as her mind reminded her of a time she wished she could forget.

At fifteen Olivia Dale had no care in the worlds. She didn’t care that there were people who were dying from starvation, or for the animals who were suffering every day. Nor for the climate change that might destroy them all. No. All Olivia cared for was herself. Even more accurate, she cared for how popular she was at Crimson-High. So when her so-called best friend, Elle, had come up with some cruel prank to do on one of the non-popular kids on April’s fool, Olivia didn’t even think twice before she agreed to the plan.

It was too easy, truly. On Monday, after the return from the weekend Olivia, Elle, and Elle’s boyfriend Dan waited until the last bell for Mark Allen to show up. They knew that after all the bullying he suffered at the beginning of the year, Mark never dared to show his face at their school before the last bell rang. That day it worked in their favor. Just when he arrived Elle and Olivia appeared in the hallway. Olivia’s hand was curled around Elle’s shoulder as she pretends to limp with her friend’s help. “Do you need some help?” Mark asked with a shy smile. They knew he would - they counting on his kindness. Olivia gave him her best-embarrassed-Smile and said, “Do you mind? I need help to get to the nurse's office?”. 

 “Not at All!”. 

 Beaming Mark had helped Olivia down the rest of the hallway, forgetting, or maybe not caring that the genitor’s closet was on their way. When they reached the closet that was Dan’s part. With one swift push, Dan managed to push Mark into the closet and shut the door behind him, locking him in the side. “April’s fools” the three of them yelled and then ran to their classrooms giggling and laughing.

“I don’t see how it connects to why you’re here,” the nurse raised her eyebrows in confusion. Olivia suddenly felt nauseous, and so she threw the cigarette on the floor, stepped on it, then immediately lit another one. God! Even after all of those years the guilt and shame still threatened to bring her to her knees. 

“You see, we didn’t know that Mark was asthmatic. We didn’t think that he would have a seizure in the dusty room. But when we opened the door to let him out, we found Mark unconscious on the floor. He was barely breathing.”.

 Silence stretched between the two, and Olivia had to swallow the lump in her throat before she continued to talk. “After that, I was swimming in guilt. I hated this stupid day. I hated my friends. And mostly, I hated myself”. On some days she still felt that hate surrounding her heart, darkening it, even as she tried to move on.

“Then next April’s fool came and everything just felt worse. Until I eavesdropped on a conversation between a married couple. They were fighting over their daughter’s education. She was failing, but they didn’t have enough money to pay for a tutor. So I volunteered, free of charge, to be her tutor. That night was the first time I was able to look myself in the mirror and not feel complete disgust. 

 The next April’s fools, I volunteered in a pet shelter, then in the women shelter, and the last five years here in the hospital.”.

As she finally finished her second cigarette, Olivia began walking towards her car, not sparing the nurse with a second glance. Yet she did hear the nurse’s final question, she simply chose to ignore it. What happened to Mark? The nurse asked, and the question rang in Olivia's ears as she drove to her next destination. The ache in her chest only grew tighter.

When Olivia exited her car, her legs were shaking, and her grip on the red roses was so strong that her hands were completely white.

 Slowly she walked on the stony path until she finally reached her goal. Barely breathing she placed the bouquet on the cold grave, only a few tears managed to find their way to her cheeks.

 Mark Allen. 

 2000-2015. 

 A loving son brother and friend. 

Gone too soon.