Don't Know

 I made a creaking sound as I adjusted myself on Dr. Schmidt’s couch. Feeling the tension growing inside me because I was being made to take time out of my own schedule, talk to a psychologists, and explain to him why I didn’t get along with my coworker.

“Linda.” Fingers snapped grabbing my attention.

I looked up trying not to glare. Snapping of the fingers, I’m not a dog.

“Anything you want to get off your chest?”

“I don’t feel the need to be here”

Dr. Schmidt crossed his legs and jotted something down in his notebook. “Why don’t you tell me about the incident that happened at the office? You know, the one that led you to be here today.”

I swallowed, rolled my eyes, and said, “It was a misunderstanding that could have been handled a little bit different.”

“So, holding her down and stapling her hair to the counter could have been different? What would you have done different in this situation?”

I had to bite my lip to keep myself from uttering the words super gluing her mouth shut and stabbing a pen through her hand. He just stared at me with those inquisitive eyes. “Alright, the way I see it she deserved it. She had been treating me like shit since I started with those dirty looks and comments that she gives me always made me feel like I was nothing. She is a fake and I am going to prove it.”

“That didn’t answer my question.”

I took a long deep breath, “The correct way would have been to sit down and talk with her and a supervisor, file a complaint, find a different job, or just ignored her.”

“You look a little tired. How you been sleeping?”

“You know I do have a dream that I am in a white room and see a red ball.”

“What’s the ball doing?”

“Sometimes it bounces and sometimes it just sits there.”

“What are you doing in these dreams?”

I adjust my glasses and lean forward, “I try to get it.”

“You ever get a hold of it?”

“Sometimes I catch it and then it melts in my hands. Sometimes it is stationary but it seems no matter how hard I try, it stays out of reach.”

Dr. Schmidt nodded his head, tapped his pencil, and looked me in the eyes. “How does this dream make you feel?”

“It makes me feel like I am getting nowhere. Like I am so close and then It just goes away. That is not what bugs me about it.” I stiffen up and close my mouth. I cannot believe that I almost told him. I don’t even want to think about it.

“It’s alright, you know what you say in here won’t leave and maybe what bugs you the most about this ball we get resolved here so it won’t bug you anymore.”

I shook my head, “I don’t think its really all that interesting anyways.”

“I hear you.” He jotted down some more in his notebook. “You know I had this one patient that went insane because they didn’t want to talk about something. All it was, was normal giving the circumstances they were under.”

“Alright, So this ball in my dream….” I broke eye contact and stared at my hands in my lap. “The red ball. Is something not only in a dream that I repetitively have. I think I see it in my everyday life. I think that bitch at work knows about it.”

“Let’s start with, where else are you seeing this red ball?”

“I see it sometimes after it rains and I am waiting for a bus. I see it floating in the rain gutters and I just stand there watching it until it go into the drain. I see it sometimes at work. I know people have red stress balls, but sometimes I think it is the actual ball from my dream. Watching TV, I think I see it sometimes in the background sitting on counters or on serving trays.” My throat is starting to get soar and I am holding back tears of fear.

“It’s alright. It looks as if you are upset about this ball that keeps coming up?”

I avoided eye contact as I nodded my head.

“So now, tell my why you think your coworker is behind some of this stuff?”

“When I see it at work it’s always around her or it pops up right after she leaves an area.”

“When did you start having the dreams and visions?

“A couple of days before I lashed out at her.”

“Let me tell you what a red ball can signify in a dream. Red is a color for aggression. The ball can symbolize that you are close to a break through and you are within reach of your goal. Does that make sense?”

I felt my muscles relax a little with the explanation. I was so close to starting up my own business and it was stressing me out. I was stressed out at work trying to balance working and starting the business. I felt as though sometimes I was going to break if something else didn’t give.

“As far as seeing these other red balls when you are awake, I strongly believe that your subconscious is making you see them. Like, it only rained twice since this all started to happen. Chances are, what you saw was a child’s ball or someones stress ball. Seeing this ball on TV could have been cause by reflection or garnishment that was on the trays. With work, I think you have been stressed out and you have been looking for an out.

“An out?” My eyebrows wrinkled up.

“You needed a release of pent up energies. You apparently focused them on the person you didn’t get along with and was projecting her having something to do with the stress ball at work. Does this make sense?”

I nodded my head.

“Work on channeling your anger elsewhere and try to find somewhere to just relax. Time is up and I will see you next week.”

* * *

Feeling like a million dollars I walked into Dr. Schmidt’s office glowing.

“It looks as if you have had a break through.”

“I have and I am feeling better than ever.”

“Tell me of this transition.”

I made myself comfortable on the couch. “I apologized to my coworker even though I didn’t want to, I quit my job the day after I left your office. My practice will open next month. I meditated every other day last week. The mediation made me feel more at peace with my decision.”

“What about the red balls?”

“I forgot about them. I don’t think I seen one in my dreams or in real life since I quit.”

“I am glad you had a break through and was able to work things out for the best. Some people cant manage to make that happen. I don’t see a reason to see you anymore.”

I rose up from the couch nodded my head and walked out the door.