To Love Somebody in Waves

I remember it hurt. Looking at him hurt. Being with him hurt. Hearing his name hurt. Passing by his house hurt. Even seeing the car he drives everywhere on the road hurt. I wonder to myself "How can a boy I like this much make me feel so hurt?" or "Why do I feel this way about him if he hurts me so much?". My brain immediately comes up with a million different excuses to these terrifying questions. I think this is just how he is. He will change. I will change him. But then I remember I can't change him because this is really how he is. I think that he's just having a bad day. He will return my text in a few hours. A few hours turns into a few days and then a few days turns into a few weeks of me checking my phone every five minuets for his name to magically pop up. Usually, it pops up after he's done playing his mind games. He comes back to me telling me how badly he wants to see me. How he craves me physically and mentally. How he can't get me out of his head. Once he tells me that every wall I've ever built up for him comes crumbling down. This is because he has the power to do this. He has the power to have me whenever he wants. He has the power to break down my walls. I sometimes wonder why I let someone so inconsiderate break down the brick walls that I surround myself with. I wonder why I feel this way when he clearly doesn't feel the same. I wonder if I love him or if I am just crazy. I think it comes in waves. Waves of happiness. Waves of anger. Waves of sadness. The only emotion that does not come in waves is hurt. I am constantly hurt when I am with him. But it is a good hurt. The kind of hurt where you just keep going back for me. I think that's what I like about him so much. He hurts me. I like that. I know I sound psychotic. But what is a relationship if you're just happy all the time. If a relationship only comes with happiness, it's fake. I'm sorry to be the one to say it but there's no such thing as happily ever afters. This isn't a Disney fairytale. This is real life and in real life happily ever afters simply don't exist. But the one thing that does exist is love. Love is the most powerful emotion there is and with love comes hurt. The ones we love are the ones that hurt us the most. That could not be more true. First comes the wave of love. Then the wave of hurt. Except like I said, I do not experience hurt in waves. There are nights where I cry myself to sleep and wake up with dried mascara running down my face like a stream. There are nights where I go to sleep feeling like the happiest girl on earth, but that is only when I get a text back. The nights where I am happy and hurt are the nights when I come home from seeing him. I get a mix of emotions. Happy because he made me feel something that no one else has ever made me feel for those three hours I spent with him. Hurt because the same thought always crosses my mind when I leave him. The thought of "What if that was the last time I see him?". I'm not talking about if he tragically dies or falls off the face of the Earth. I'm talking about if he decides to leave me. If he finds another girl who is a walking Barbie doll and loves him better than I ever could. Did I just say love? I did. I do love him. I know I do. I never knew what this feeling that I felt for the past three months was but now I do. It's love. It's the feeling you get when you get to eat a cupcake or go on a vacation with friends. It's the feeling when you're stomach is doing complete 360 degree flips. It's the feeling of love. I hate this feeling but at the same time I love it. I love letting someone have complete power over how I feel but at the same time I hate it. I love letting him think he has all of me but at the same time I hate it. I love him but I also hate him. I hate him so much it makes me love him. I guess that's what it feels like to love somebody. I guess that's what it feels like to love somebody in waves.