New Growth

Morning light falls across my face in sweeps of honey-colored warmth. The sweet whisper of the sun pulls me from my sleep gently. The sight from my window greets me, a perfect blue sky bragging from above. Birds fill the air with lovely music, conversing with each other in a way only they understand. I sigh, pushing the last murmurs of sleep from my body with the movement, and sit up. I turn to my calendar, deciding what I should do today. March 19. The first day of spring. Sudden dread coils like snakes around me.

I stumble from my bed and hurry across the soft carpet of my room, dressing quickly. I can’t believe I forgot what day it is. I promised myself I would do it today, whether I like it or not. This is the only way I can move on. 

I’ve done everything I can think of to help, but nothing has worked. I’ve tried meditating, therapy, journaling. Nothing can take them away. The nightmares. Each night, no matter how calm I feel before I go to bed, I wake up screaming or crying or both, haunted by the images created by my mind. Though I’ve pushed it off for this long, I need to do this today. Especially because of my promise. My mom always told me that breaking a promise to yourself is the same as telling yourself that you’re a failure and failing yourself at the same time. 

I won’t let that happen.

My apartment is neat and tidy, the cleanliness fueled by my anxiety and uneasiness. I get my breakfast, savoring the sweet crunch of the oats mixed with the cool creaminess of the yogurt. As I eat, my anxiety lessens a little. 

I peek around the apartment. The spring sunlight makes everything seem brighter. The light shines through with determination, bouncing off walls, mirrors, and tables. It’s almost enough to make you forget about the horrors of the world, or the terrible things that people do to each other. It’s almost bright enough to cover up the shadows of reality. Almost. A shiver of fear travels up my spine as I think about it, halting the moment of peace derived from the spring sun.

After breakfast, I travel to the bathroom. One look in the mirror tells me I look as bad as I feel. My horror-filled sleep cast dark shadows under my dull, brown eyes. Dark hair hangs limply around my face, contrasting sharply with my milky skin. Once upon a time, I was considered beautiful. Mahogany eyes that were bright and alive danced with light while my mocha hair fell into thick ringlets across my shoulders. I looked in the mirror and felt confident. Now, after everything, I look ten years older than I am, with eyes haunted with memories and nightmares, never sure which makes up reality and which are twisted versions of an already-twisted fate. 

I scrape my hair into a limp ponytail and attempt to cover the dark spots under my eyes with a concealer. Today, I chose a black turtleneck, a little warm for the weather, and jeans. I figured it would be best to keep conservative because of who I am seeing today. The more layers between him and me, the better, though I know they will do nothing to protect me if he decides to try something. The thought freezes me to my core. He won’t, I assure myself.

I step out of the bathroom and reluctantly grab my purse to leave. Though I was in a hurry before, my hesitation increases by the minute. Voices scream at me in my head as I get closer to the door, closer to the perilous world, closer to him. Cries of regret and fear echo in my head as I open the door, leaving behind the safety of my apartment. 

I can hear the bus chugging below me like the growl of a dog. The window paints a scene of the city before me, a collage of cement, metal, and plastic rushing by. Hundreds of people mull about on the sidewalks, dressed comfortably in bright spring colors. I pull lightly at the collar of my sweater, the spring sun enveloping me in heat.

I haven’t driven my car for months. I tried once or twice, after everything went down, but it always ended with me pulling over, overcome with memories. My heart twists as I recall. Maybe, after today, I won’t have to deal with that anymore. Or maybe I should just get a new car.

The screeching of the bus jerks me from my thoughts as it grinds to a halt. I stand, wavering, in unison with half a dozen other passengers. We step into the narrow aisle and shuffle off the bus. The warm sun, still scrambling to rise, bathes us in a cloud of light when we exit.

I travel down two blocks, passing brick apartments, bright shops, and sweet-smelling restaurants. I halt in front of a familiar apartment building, red brick scattered with yawning windows. My feet guide me through the door and past hallways, stopping short before a dark door. It opens soon after I rap my pale knuckles on the wood. 

A familiar face peeks out, bursting into a smile at the sight of me. His grin is contagious, and I smile slightly as he pulls me into a hug. 

“Today’s the day, isn’t it?” Leo asks in realization, pulling back from the hug. He inspects my face, his eyes flashing in sorrow at the sight of me. “Jai, you need to promise me to be careful. I swear to God, if he does anything, I will rip his head off.”

I laugh, though I know he isn’t joking. He heads inside and grabs his keys, then returns a minute later. After locking his apartment door, he leads me toward his car outside. As we walk, I glance sidelong at him. His dark, curly hair matches mine, as well as his chocolate eyes. Right now, though, that’s where the similarities end. We used to look a lot more alike, especially when we were younger. Mom used to say we should have been twins. We practically are, at just a year apart. However, I have been robbed of my resemblance to my brother, along with so many other things I used to take for granted.

We slide into his beat up car together, him at the wheel. He promised to drive me, months ago, if I ever decided to commit. With the grind of his engine and the squeal of his brakes, we started down a dark path, leading to the very person stealing everything from me, even as he sits in prison.

The drive is about two hours long, the sun sliding through the sky like a golden leaf across a Caribbean sea. Leo talks the whole time, every thought punctuated with “Are you sure you want to do this?” I answer yes each time, though everything inside screams no. No, I’m not sure. No, I’m terrified. No, I never want to see his face again.

Each minute pulls me deeper into a shell of worry. Familiar dread, rooted there a year ago, grows in tendrils that wrap around my heart and throat. My breathing is shallow, interrupted by bursts of nausea I tell myself is car sickness. 

When I see the prison looming in the distance, a dark structure punctuating the horizon, a strange calm envelopes me. While memories of him have been keeping me prisoner, this bleak building has been holding him captive. Leo winds up the roads leading to the small town surrounding the prison. Perhaps the town was nice once, with bright houses and occupants that all knew each other. Now, though, all I see is peeling paint and lifeless lawns, the cold prison casting a shadow on the community.

Entering the prison is exhausting. The inside is completely drained of energy, even with the guards on high alert. Everything is either grey or black. Metal and concrete furniture and walls create an air of cold indifference. Soon after we check in, a few men and women in dark uniforms enter to speak with us. They go over procedures and preparations for an hour. All the while, I squeeze my hands together in apprehension.

“Okay, that about does it,” one woman says, flipping closed a pamphlet. She turns to me and Leo. “Are you ready?” After I nod, she motions me through a door.

I hold out a hand to Leo so that he doesn’t follow, and give him a small smile to let him know I’ll be alright. He clenches his jaw in hesitation, but slides into a chair sitting along one of the walls of the room. Taking a deep breath, I follow the woman through the door.

We pass many halls and corridors, lit brightly with unforgiving white light. I see hardly any windows, and shudder to imagine being stuck here. The woman’s footsteps are quick and efficient, and I have to hurry to keep up with her.

Too soon, she stops in front of a door. Looking over at me and seeing my unease, she informs me that guards will be present at all times. I nod, and she unlocks the door, swinging it wide for me to step through.

The room is musty and chilly, like it hasn’t been used all winter. A metal table sits bare in the center, the only decoration besides the cold, white light above and a caged off window on the far end. Guards line a wall, putting on a mask of unity and power. I draw strength from them as I finally dare to look at the person sitting at the table.

Dark eyes meet mine, boring into my soul, taking me back in time. My best friend and his cousin’s wedding. A gaze from across the room, meeting mine. The sweep of my silky dress across the floor. His warm hands holding me as we dance.

I shake off the flashback and hesitantly sit down across from him. He smirks as I study him. His hair has become long, hanging around his face in sweeps of darkness. Seeing him now isn’t as bad as in my nightmares. In the darkness of my mind, his face contorts inhumanly, dark eyes becoming deep pits that I fall into.

“While this certainly is the most interesting thing to happen to me for a year, I’m sure that there is something you came here to do,” Jaxon says, his voice ripping like nails through me.

“I needed….to talk,” I push out, forcing steel into my voice. Though I am terrified of him, I don’t need him to see that. “I need you to tell me why. Why did you do it?”

“What do you mean?” he asks lazily, grinning at me.

“You know what I mean,” I snap. His grin spreads. I inwardly curse at myself. I need to keep calm. This is what he wants. Psychopaths enjoy upsetting people.

“I don’t know what you want from me. It was a year ago,” His grin twists into something else entirely, exposing his true emotions beneath his mask. He doesn’t want me here. “Get over it.” 

My breath catches as the memory floods back.

The speeding car, landscape flashing by. I told him to slow down. I asked him where we were going. I screamed at him to pull over. He just kept driving, his face twisted in a scowl. 

I should have never got in the car with him. Never. I had told him I needed a break, to figure out who I was without someone else. He had become so clingy in the last week, hating me when I spent time with anyone else. So, I decided to break it off, get him out of my life. He was angry, but he told me he’d drive me home, so he could grab the stuff he left at my house. And I let him.

It was the worst decision of my life.

“Would you just answer the question?” I maintain, keeping my voice from breaking. He slides his eyelids until I can just see two slivers of white punctuated by empty black irises.

“What’s in it for me?” he asks. I roll my eyes, and get up, calling his bluff. Though I shake on the inside, I maintain an air of apathy as I start to walk out. “Wait,” he stops me, chuckling. “Fine, you win. You want to know why I did it?”

I nod, raising my eyebrow for him to continue. I stay standing, glad for the excuse to be farther away from him. My hands curl behind my back, quivering in anticipation.

“I was in love with you. You were the only one I saw,” Jaxon says, his eyebrows straying downward in pain. “But you, you didn’t love me like that. I was just another boyfriend, another person to throw away. I realized that when you broke up with me. You needed to pay for that. But you didn’t. You got away,” he snarls, eyes glazing over in memory.

He had driven right by my house. I kept asking him questions, but it was as if he couldn’t even hear me. The speedometer crept steadily higher. When I looked behind us to see if anyone was around, my stomach roiled in fear. In the backseat, there were three rolls of black duct tape. Next to them laid a knife from my kitchen, sliding across the seat in accordance to Jaxon’s swerves.

He was getting closer to the highway. I knew that if he made it, no one would hear from me again. I saw a gas station, just about to whiz by, and I panicked. I grabbed the steering wheel and jerked.

The world soared by slowly as we flew off the road. Duct tape rolls hurtled out the open windows like terrified crows. The earth stretched out below us, steadily approaching as we sailed down. The crash was deafening, a shriek of metal as we tumbled into the ground. My seat belt kept me from the worst of it, but Jaxon never wore his. He flew out, landing in a field. I don’t remember much from the rest of it, but from what I was told, I limped to the gas station and they called the police. 

Jaxon had been knocked out cold, almost dead when they found him. I didn’t ask about him, but I found out a week later that he was going to live and was going to prison. That’s when the nightmares started.

“But it seems as though you didn’t totally get off unscathed,” Jaxon hisses, noting my sallow skin and dark eyes. He chuckles darkly. I nod, remembering my nightmares. It brings me back to my goal.

“I just needed to tell you….” I start, thinking of what to say. He raises an eyebrow in interest. I sigh. “I forgive you. For everything.”

Jaxon’s face contorts with rage. “Well, I’m not sorry,” he spits. I start to leave. His voice becomes frantic. “I’m not!”

“It doesn’t matter,” I whisper, stepping toward the door. I take a final look back at him. His eyes are wide in mania. “Goodbye, Jaxon.”

I hear his yelling echoing through the halls up until I step outside.

“So, what changed?” Leo asks as he drives home. I had given him a quick rundown of what went on.

“I don’t know. I guess I just saw him in there, and he’s suffering as much as I am. I figured I could choose to see the whole thing as a curse, or I could see it as a blessing,” I say. Leo squints his eyes in confusion. “Look, I could easily be lying in a ditch right now, with him still out there. But I’m not. He’s in there, and I’m out here. I don’t have to let him control me anymore,” I explain.

That night, after checking the locks on all the doors, I slide lightly into bed. Sighing, I lay my weary head on the pillow. Though insomnia usually plagues me, I’m fast asleep in ten minutes. The sleep is blissful, dark, and steady. And nightmare-free.

Today, I kept a promise to myself. I’m done blocking out the sun because of the past. For the dead, cold winter has left, and new spring growth can finally take its place.