Broken Journey

Sobbing uncontrollably, left in a heap in the middle of the floor, like a pile of dirty laundry. Again. Screaming, "Why?! Please, God, why? How can someone be so cruel, so callous?"

Love is a strange and unsatisfying emotion. They forget to tell you that in the storybooks. They leave out all the gut-wrenching parts of addiction, control, denial, and regrets. They leave out the parts where you're left begging and pleading for him not to walk out the door. Choosing to watch you cry and declare your undying love if he'd just choose you, for once. Just once. Is that too much to ask?

There are too many emotions happening all at once. Unable to process, the downward spiral is imminent and there's no certainty to the outcome. Feeling dizzy, hyperventilating, fighting waves of panic attacks, "pull yourself together, you dumb bitch, get a fucking grip," spoken to the ghosts left in the room.

How many more times is this going to happen? Will this be the final goodbye or just another dramatic pause in this rollercoaster ride of a love/hate relationship? It always seems like it's the "final goodbye" the "last straw". Never before has it been this bad, though. Left feeling this awful hole, an abandonment. So many years of tears, anger, betrayal, and hopelessness. All in the name of "love". No, there's no coming back, not this time, the declaration has been made.

Feeling like a complete fool, being disregarded and disrespected for the last time. Slowly standing up, legs shaky, and nauseated, taking one final glance around. Questions still left unanswered, a hug goodbye never received, and a disgusting humiliation that is fully recognized. Burning a hole in the back of the throat and poisoning the heart that once declared undying love to a narcissist.

That fool is me. I am her. I allowed this. I was warned by everyone. Felt sorry for, by everyone. All because I was taught that when you "love", you love through the anguish, pain, and rage. I loved, even when I knew everyone was right, even when I let myself be taken advantage of. Thousands of dollars, wasted. Wasted on dope, wasted on bus tickets, wasted on rent and bills that had no meaning because there was no actual future. Every time was the "final goodbye" only to go back again and relive the torture that I knew, deep down, wouldn't stop.

Narcissist. Cold, calculating, mean, and completely lacking any feeling or emotions. Leaving even the strongest of people broken like a rag doll and tossed in the fire. Just to burned by their own devotion of what "love" is supposed to be. This was my introduction to a narcissist. I had to research mental illnesses because there was no way that someone could treat someone that they declared "love" for, only to treat them this way. I doubted myself, questioned my sanity time and time again. Cried a countless number of tears and many sleepless, lonely nights thinking it was me. Somehow, this was all my fault. What could have I done differently?

The more I read and studied, the more I began to understand that it wasn't me. It was him. That didn't make the pain go away. Actually made it worse, because then I felt compelled to prove my dedication, prove my love. How many relationships had given up on him after promising never to leave? I didn't want to be another scar in his black, unloving heart. I wanted to heal him. You can't heal a narcissist.

Deep down, I knew that this was finally the last goodbye. I think that's why the pain was so tremendously overwhelming for me. I had no choice but to be strong. Now, was the time to fight for me and continue the painful journey of putting the pieces that I let him destroy, back together. No giving in, no backing down, no matter the lies he promises or changes he swears.

I have many mental scars, developed anxiety, and deal with many ghosts that refuse to leave my company. I used to think of him all time, now not as often. Dreams are still invaded and I wake up feeling haunted and depressed. I have good days and really bad days, but with a narcissist, you have to fully commit to a "no-contact" agreement with yourself. No matter the weakness that urge may create.

This was only a taste of what I actually endured through seven long years of reshaping my mentality, losing my soul, and still trying to find self-respect and dignity. I nearly lost myself in that final collapse in the bottomless pit of that eternal hell that he created and I chose to stay in. They don't tell you about the ugly side of love. The fine line between love and hate. The promises that you have to break so you won't get broken.

I am not bitter. My love is still eternal. This was part of my journey to make me stronger and to continue to love, no matter how the demons may destroy it. That was the test, I believe. I continue to climb out of the dark abyss and still have a very long way to go. There are days in which I know I stumble and lose a step or two, but rock bottom is only as deep as you dig it.

It's been a year now and it's a daily fight to not succumb fully to crippling depression. I've had to learn my emotions and instead of running from them, recognize when I am feeling like that, to acknowledge them. Examine and fully feel what they are trying to tell me. There have been many days where I didn't have the strength to pull myself out of the bed and weeks going without a shower. Becoming introverted and not wanting any contact with the outside world. Just letting the pull of sleep carry me away to another dimension so I don't have to feel.

Sleep is like dying only without the commitment. It can be just as deadly, though. I am she and she is me and this is what they don't tell you about love and I will forever have the haunting, unanswered question of "Why?"