Pretending to live

“I am just …I am fade up.” said John while breathing long and deeper. He continued “Seriously? How could … How could…oh God.” something is really bothering him. He really wants to take it out but he is struggling. John is taking a walk if it is not called jogging. He really is walking faster, throwing his hands here and there. He is also hitting everything on his way: rocks, bricks, tree, leaves, stick, just anything when he feels like it. He has no clue where he is going but he is taking steps; even if he doesn’t know where it takes him. 

“I am sorry, but are you ok?” someone asked, someone standing close to John. 

“Oh gosh!” John shouted. He was able to listen the beating of his heart. Since it was all of a sudden, he was really shocked. Besides it was a stranger talking to him coming out of nowhere. “Oh man you scared me. Where did you come from?” John admitted his feelings.

“I apologies. I am really sorry. I never thought it would be scary. I was just walking and I have been watching you. You don’t look ok. So, I was wondering if there is something I could help?”

“No thanks! I am fine. I don’t need help. In fact I already had enough.” John replied with angry voice. 

“Are you sure?” the stranger asked slowly feeling confused.  

“Yeah am sure. I am fine.” shouted and walked. 

The stranger made an odd face and continued walking saying, “He really is not ok!”

John kept walking .He didn’t realize that he had gone far until he felt tired and noticed unfamiliar environment. He suddenly stops and looked around. It is late and dark. A part from the waving trees, nothing was moving. He is alone. “Oh perfect. Where am I now? ” said with frustration. He really wanted to shout out loud and send his anger through his voice. But he couldn’t do it there. A place he doesn’t know ‘where?’ Instead he exhaled and started walking faster turning backwards. Walking and running he reached a place which felt a little comfortable but still new.  

While looking for someone to tell him where exactly he is, he saw someone from far. Even if that person is walking towards him, John couldn’t wait till that person reaches him. So, while running as fast as he could as he approaches “Excuse me! Sorry.” said John trying to get an attention. “ Come on! Is this really happening? What is wrong? What kind of day is this? Does it have to be you?” John was dissatisfied with the person he saw. Without giving the person a chance to speak he continued “Were you following me? Why were you following me? Are you doing it by yourself or there is someone? Who sent you? ” and many more. It was the stranger he met a while ago.

What a patience the stranger has! After listening John’s confusing statements, the stranger understood john is done speaking and took his turn, “Ok, I think you are done. First you have to admit that you are not ok. I mean it’s the least you can do. And second I wasn’t following you. And no one sent me. Am just here doing my business.” Obviously John is not going to believe that. “Really? What if I told you that I don’t believe a word you say?” it was John’s reply. “And I would say I don’t care. Besides, I don’t have to give you any explanation. You started it. Get it together man. Where are your manners?” said the stranger and left.

John recalled what the stranger said “Get it together man.” And felt bad. John is a nice guy he just had a long day. “Get it together John. What is wrong with me? Oh, Man.” said John blaming himself. He shouldn’t have said that to a stranger who was trying to be nice and help. What’s more? He remembered he needs help. Luckily the stranger wasn’t far that John reached him after short and non-speedy run. “I am really sorry man. I shouldn’t have been… I was rude. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I had a tough day that’s all. I’m really sorry.” His appearance really shows he mean it.

 The stranger seems an easy and understanding person “Come on. It’s fine. I don’t need any of the apologies. Admitting that you’re not ok is enough. You know it’s easier when you talk to someone.”    “I really don’t know what have gotten into me. Something was going in mind. The whole day everything were annoying, bad things happened or everyone I met were giving me a head ache. I had some disagreements, fights…”

“Was it the people or you who had a problem? What happened? If you want to share…”

“It’s ok. May be you are right. I speak wrong, I started the arguments, I wanted to blame you bla bla …” They both smiled. 

“So, what are you doing out here. I mean it’s dark and late. Why don’t you go home or you know… somewhere?” 

“Actually, I am homeless.”

“Oh! Really? Sorry. I mean…I didn’t mean… I didn’t know.” obviously he is cursing the day and that he didn’t stop talking.

“I know. And it’s ok. It happens. So, are you going home or somewhere else? It’s getting late.” the stranger, trying to change the subject.

“No, no. I wish I can spend the night somewhere else; a place where I don’t see humans. Somewhere quiet and peaceful.”

“Does that category includes me or…?” the stranger with joking face.

“Come on! You’re so funny, nice person actually. I’m John.” extending his hands towards the stranger.

“Thank you. Nice too meet you John! You can call me Mike.” they shook hands and greet.

“So, where were we? Yes, you are looking for some place unusual, to spend the night. Far from human; Of course except me!” They are laughing at this moment. After a moment of silence and laughs “I think I know somewhere, which by the way, is not far from here. I hope you are not going to change your mind.”

“No, no. I just want it to be silent and peaceful.”

“Well, then am sure it’ll fit your criteria.” They started walking. And reached after a while.

“Here is the place.” Said Mike with a happy face, showing the place with widely opened hands.

“Seriously man? Here?” John with disbelieve. He couldn’t believe where Mike took him. 

“Yes. What better place can you find? I usually come here and I now the place. During night, no one come here. It is silent and peaceful. This is where I spend most of my nights.” 

“No, you’re joking. I mean it’s a graveyard. And it is dark.” John felt fear surrounding him, he is scared.

“I know. The only living thing here is you and me apart from the trees, of course! And I know what you’re thinking but don’t worry. I have been here longer than you could think. You are going to be fine. But if you know somewhere else…” said Mike feeling bad.

John doesn’t really want to offend Mike but he will not feel ok staying either. And he couldn’t think of somewhere else. He had to make up his mind. 

“You know …Look at those people. They all are gone but we’re living. I think, what most scares as, is the silence and the regrets we feel when we see these gravestones. The only thing we hear in this silence, is only our self. Being unsatisfied with our life, we keep blaming ourselves for not doing better and not being a better person or live a better life. So, we want to pretend to be fine and ignore the rest. We are just scared of the reality. We don’t want the blame. It’s ok we’re going to be fine here.” Mike looks calm. 

John suddenly felt calm either. He took a deep breath and decided to spend the night in the graveyard with a stranger he met a while ago.

By: Hawi G.