The Journey to Wonderland

April 7th, 2070 

Dearest Christine, 

By now, you've likely noticed my absence. I apologize for leaving you so suddenly, but it was only right. I've been thinking about this trip for the longest time. Last night...after our talk...I only felt more certain about everything. 

I'll keep you updated until they take this from me...I’m using that fancy thought to voice translator that Max introduced to us this summer. It’s crazy how far technology has come in thirty short years. Anyway. I hope through these messages you can understand the journey for yourself. One day it will be time for you to join me, and hopefully this readies you.  

There was no need for a goodbye, my love, you'll see me soon enough. I don't want you to worry about me too much. I hope when this is returned to you, you're able to fully understand why... why I'm gone. The letter...I didn’t tell you everything. I thought it would be better this way. 

The seats on this train are so uncomfortable...what I wouldn't give for your hands on my back right now. Have I told you that you give the best massages?  It’s one of the reasons I fell for you back in high school. God, doesn’t that seem like so long ago? 

I love you so much. Please know that. Give Max a kiss goodnight for me, will you? 

With love, 

Lilly 

April 8th, 2070 

Dearest Christine, 

We arrived at the train station early this morning, and I'm writing this from the seat outside the bus stop. There’s not as many here as I expected. I wonder why. The bus was supposed to arrive ten minutes ago, but you know how everything runs these days. Even the buses to paradise are late.  

Everyone is in good spirits-I met this man from Palm Springs. He's an author, and we had some nice conversations about what we've accomplished. He'd done a lot more than me, but I still feel OK about my own personal journey through this world. We both made our contributions, and isn't that what this life is about? I just...I wish they’d given me the chance to prove I can do more. I’m so much more capable than what I’ve shown. 

The bus is pulling up right now. It's...it’s kind of beautiful, though I can’t exactly explain why. Can a vehicle so foreboding be elegant? I don't know. 

I'll make sure I write tomorrow, my angel. 

With love, 

Lilly  

April 9th, 2020 

Dearest Christine, 

The place they have us staying in is perhaps the grandest establishment I've ever seen! It seems like everything is coated in a layer of gold. Even the attendants that greeted us had shoes on that looked like they weighed about a hundred pounds. I was trying to figure it out when they gave me my own pair! They're these gorgeously threaded silken slippers, and they somehow perfectly fit my feet. I had to give them my boots, though. They said they'd give them back to you. I hope so, they're my favorite pair. 

It's so comfortable and perfect here, my love. They took me up to my room almost immediately. The bed feels like it's made of clouds, the ceiling this beautiful rose-gold. They even had a plate of your cookies on the table in the corner. I wonder how they got that? It made me miss you. 

I went for a nice swim before I came up to talk to you. I don’t remember the last time I swam. It was different than I remember, but...why didn’t we do it more? I have so many regrets. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I'm terrified, Christine. I wish you were here holding my hand. I wish my time to go wasn't now, but we both know it is. The papers I got last night said my life had fulfilled its course, its purpose. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I just...I guess I thought I had more to give. I guess a mother is all I was made to be. 

Will you write my stories for me? That notebook in the den...it has so many ideas that I never got to explore. Perhaps that's your purpose. To carry on my legacy. Maybe they'll keep you around longer.  

Stay strong my dear. 

With love,  

Lilly 

April 10th, 2070 

Dearest Christine,  

I ate my final meal this morning. A grapefruit with sugar – I was too nervous to stomach anything else. Now I sit in this glorious prison, awaiting those who will allow me to finally breathe my last.  

I feel so terribly scared, and yet oddly at peace. I’m grateful that I fulfilled my societal duty, that I made it that far. I’m glad I didn’t end up like June, killing herself before she had fulfilled her duty as a mother and a nurse. Where do those people go? Why would you take the risk of nothingness when you could go to Wonderland? There’s a reason we’re here on Earth, and it’s not to selfishly take our own lives. We are all an important and critical piece in the puzzle, no matter how small. The ones that stray ruin the entire thing. Please, Christine, follow my lead. It makes the world a better place. I need to see you again. 

I can hear them coming down the hall now. Oh god I’m so frightened. I wish you were holding my hand.  

They’re in here now. This woman is older, beautiful. Why did she get to live to be that old? Why can’t I? 

They’re putting the needle in my arm, Christine. It barely even hurt, just a little pinch. Like when Max was little and he used to grab my arms with his tiny little baby fingers...oh Max! I should’ve kissed him goodbye. Why didn’t I kiss him? What kind of mother doesn’t say goodbye? 

The woman pushed a button on some machine attached to the needle. I can see the blue liquid coming down the tube and into my- 

Oh. 

OH.  

So this is what it feels like. 

I love you Christine. I’ll see you soon.  

Transmission Terminated