Privileged Sunrise

- “Privileged sunrise”. How can I help you? 

- Hi, I would like to get one of your insurances or something… 

- Sure, sir. We in “Privileged sunrise” are ready to introduce to you our 7 types of insurance products according to your personal needs.

- Why do you say “we”? Is there someone else who is eavesdropping on us?

- No, sir. “We” represents the collective spirit of “Privileged sunrise” and makes each of us contribute more to the achievement of our goals.

- Ok, back to the essence. I kinda need some general insurance, you know, life insurance.

- As I told you, sir, we have 7 types of it. Would you mind answering a few questions, so we can figure out which types suit you better?

- I don’t have time. I need a general one, the most frequently asked, your best seller, whatever..

- Sure, sir, we have “Privileged sunrise Sun Pack”, which includes all 7 types of insurance products, specifically: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth.

- What?

- Seven types of insurance products, sir, specifically: pride, greed, lust..

- Fuck it, stupid prankers!

- I’m afraid we are not, sir. 

- Oh, you are not? Then maybe the guys from my new office are, since they gave me your number.

- Are you still considering “Privileged sunrise Sun Pack”? 

- Ok, let’s finish it up with your Sun fucking pack because I don’t have all day for talking to idiots. But no bullshit this time!

- Great, sir! It will be 1576 dollars per year with a 30 percent discount. How would you like to pay, sir? Sir? Hello? Is there a problem, sir?

- A problem? Yes, there is a problem. The deal is that I think I’m attending the biggest scam of my life but it’s so moronic and absurd that I’m really curious how it will end up…

- If the price is the issue, it’s discussable. We can make you an individual insurance pack eliminating some products. It will take no more than 10 minutes of your time. What do you think about it, sir?

- Ok, let’s do it, you are very kind and I am very interested in reporting a scammer.

- All right, sir. First, considering our previous conversation, I let myself suggest that we put wrath in your individual pack. Do you agree?

- Go ahead, and sorry, I can’t manage my anger talking to idiots.

- Ok, I marked the wrath option. Now tell me about yourself and your lifestyle, please.

- Well, I can’t rule my life. I’m just an asshole..

- Do you feel a lack of will, helplessness or sudden sadness sometimes?

- Everytime. All of it. I’m a weak-willed piece of crap drifting along the river of life.

- Do you notice it especially in the evenings?

- How do you know it? In the morning I kinda have a hope to make something out of this day but close to the night I think, who am I kidding, and let myself go lying on my couch, all numb, staring at the ceiling.

- I can conclude, sir, that you have a high risk regarding sloth. Should we also mark that option?

- Whatever…

- Ok, done. Proceeding with the questions. How about your family, sir? What is your marital status?

- I live alone. I’m single. You?

- Sorry, according to ”Privileged sunrise” policy, I cannot give you that information. Do you intend to get married soon, sir?

- No. I mean maybe…like it’s that simple.

- How do you usually search for partners?

- Tinder.

- Have you ever had an intercourse that was limited in time and space?

- Yes, ma’am. In my desperate love life I’m guilty of a bunch of one-night stands that for an instant made me feel less lonely.

- Did you…

- Anticipating your next question, I didn’t call back either of them. Swipe, like, chat, meet, bar, wine, fuck. The end. Are you proud of me?

- According to ”Privileged sunrise” policy, I’m not allowed to give any feedback on personal stories of our clients. I can only offer you to include also lust in your insurance.

- See, you gave feedback. You think I’m an uncontrollable fucker and want to save me, don’t you? Anyway, put lust in whatever you call it.

- Ok, I marked that option.

- Mark my…

- Sir, are you still on the line?

- Yes. Forget it. Continue your interrogation. 

- Sure. Now we have to know if you are keen on overconsumption. Especially of alcohol. Have you ever got so drunk that you weren’t able to drive your vehicle or that you needed medical assistance?

- Who has never been drunk like that in college? Well, a couple of times it happened in some bars in Amsterdam when I was working there, and it wasn’t only alcohol, of course. I’m a pig. But being a pig takes some responsibilities off you, even for a short time.

- Responsibilities? Which in particular?

- You are so annoying. Well, when you are always drunk, when you are overboard of society, you don’t have to fit in it anymore, to fulfill expectations of others of any kind. Everyone just looks at you with pity, that’s all, they don’t need you to be successful or a good husband or a good father or whatever shit you want me to be. Perks of being a junky. I advise you.

- Well, sir, if so, then we have to include gluttony in your pack for sure, it makes your life very unstable. Should I mark it?

- Mark…I have no idea why I even continue this conversation, by the way.

- Ok, done. Proceeding to the next option. Do you consider yourself a minimalist?

- By no means. I have a lot of trash in my apartment and you know what, if I were rich, I would throw out all that trash and buy new trash but classy. A higher level luxury trash.

- Have you ever had a desire to give some of your things to charity?

- No.

- Are you familiar with the Marie Kondo method?

- Jesus Christ…

- We received your request to speak directly to “Privileged Sunrise” head-office. Your turn number is 3879065. Please, stay on the line.

- Hey! What is that? Are you there, girl? I mean, ma’am! Why do I hear beeping?! Hello!

- Hello?

- Yeah!

- This is “Privileged Sunrise” insurance agent number 679276. I lost you for a moment, sir. Sorry for the inconvenience. We stopped on the greed option. Do you recall?

- It’s weird but I’m kinda glad you got back. I was pretty desperate hearing that automatic voice…What’s your name, by the way? And why was I directed to your head-office?

- Thank you for your patience, sir. I’m the agent number 679276.

- I meant your real...whatever.

- They directed you to our head-office because you said the key word. Usually only agents are allowed to connect a customer to head-office using this word, but you said it so suddenly that the system recognized you as an agent and sent you to another line. Is that clear, sir?

- What was the key word?

- Jesus Christ, sir. CEO of “Privileged Sunrise”.

- CEO of…ok, scammers, let’s get back to where we left off. You were saying that people who wrap their underpants in a ball are less greedy than me who just don’t take it out of the washing machine.

- If you are referring to the Marie Kondo method, it is not about wrapping underwear. It is about having only what you have absolute necessity of. And making it organized. Anyway, based on your previous answers, I already put greed in your pack, if you don’t mind.

- Whatever…

- Great! Proceeding to the next option. Have you ever wished for your colleague to fail his promotion?

- Everytime. See, when this jerk from the marketing department gets a promotion plus he has a girlfriend with giant tits, it’s just not fair. Life has to be balanced, you cannot get both. I have a shitty position, so where are my tits, huh? Are you gonna provide me with them?

- I’m not sure I understood your question, sir.

- Will you tell me your number?

- Sure! 679276.

- Not that number, goddamn you! Your phone number! 

- We are not allowed to share personal information but..

- But? 

- But we have the last option to consider. Pride, sir.

- Oh, I lost it a long time ago along with my dignity and virginity. So, that you can take the hell out of my insurance. If you are a loser, there is no way back.

- I see, sir. I canceled that option. So, congratulations, your “Privileged Sunrise 6-Pack” life insurance is ready!

- Thank you, it’s gonna be the only 6-pack I have.

- “Privileged Sunrise 6-Pack” will cost 1351 dollars per year with a 30 percent discount. I will direct you to our accounting office where you can leave your credentials for a purchase. Please, stay on the…

- Wait, wait, wait! That’s it? So now I can easily continue to be a loser without risking being punished for 6 sins?

- Yes, sir. It works exactly like that. Now you are Privileged.

- And I’m not gonna hear from you anymore?

- My part of the process as an insurance agent finishes here, sir. Thank you for using the services of “Privileged Sunrise”! CEO bless you!

- Hey, I have a question.

- Sure, sir.

- Do you also have this insurance?

- Yes, sir. It’s an obligation when you work in “Privileged Sunrise”.

- Is lust included in your insurance?

- Yes, sir, absolutely.

- So, you are protected from lust. I am protected from lust now too, so it seems logical if we catch up somewhere, right?

- Strangely, but it does seem logical.

- Great! Ha ha, finally I hear a human in you! So, 9 p.m, Pizza Hut. Alright?

- Ok, Privileged, bring 6-pack.

- Are you sure we’ll survive?

- Well, we both have lust in our insurance…

- Right.

- CEO bless you!