Her Journal

I lost my mom 3 years ago.

Shocking opening statement I know but it's true. Now, when I say I lost her I don't mean like she disappeared. No, then at least I'd have hope that she was out there somewhere, here on earth at least and that I could find her. No, that's not it, unfortunately, she died. It was not something we expected at the time. She had always carried a sickness in her but we always thought we had more time. She was tough as nails and would never let anyone see her pain but I guess this time she really hid it too well. After she was gone I was digging through some of her things in her closet. Just trying to cope. Doing a simple chore like cleaning out her things seemed like a good enough excuse not to break down this time. I had done that enough. As I was sorting through things I found this book. She always took notes. She loved to study and try to understand everything she could about the hereafter. I wondered if this was some of her notes on something she had read but no. As I opened the pages I read "September 2nd, 1962, I hate high school so much." It was her journal. It was thick with many, many pages almost like it was written in her entire life. As I read on I found an entry about me. "September 8th, 1986 Today is the day. The hospital called and we can bring our baby girl home. I've waited for this for so long. I'm finally a mother. Not in the traditional sense but it doesn't matter. She is mine. We have adopted our little girl. Aurora Lynn. My precious baby." As I read I could see her. It was like I was watching the scene play out like a movie in my mind. Waiting patiently in the car as the lawyer got out and went inside the hospital. Mom sat in the back of an old car. I didn't recognize but it was definitely the 80's. My dad sat in the driver's seat just watching out the window waiting for the lawyers return. He came out a few moments later with a tiny baby in a paper gown screaming at the top of her lungs. Me! That's me. He quickly handed me to mom and she soothed me. I saw my little dark blue eyes staring at her light blue eyes and I knew in that moment we connected. I didn't want to cry so I turned the page to another few chapters. I was starting school. "She is so excited but I don't know if I'm ready to let her go. She talks so much I hope she can focus. I hope the teacher is nice to her. I hope the other kids can treat her right." I was transported in my mind's eye again to the scene. I was there in a pink romper with a pig tails and mom was walking me in holding my hand tightly. We walked into the classroom which was full of parents and other children. I saw myself quickly snatch my hand away and run to the play area with other kids. Mom stood for a minute watching looking anxious. I never realized she was so scared and worried for me before. I turned more pages and I read and began to see another scene it was me again dancing in my bedroom to *NSYNC's Christmas album. I was wearing a blue Arizona sweatshirt. All of a sudden I got a weird look on my face and ran in the bathroom. I started yelling mom, mom come quick! I told her I had become a woman that day. I laughed as I watched the memory play out. "I hope her dad and I can handle a teenager. I remember how stubborn I was at that age. I hope since we have raised her better than I was that she won't go through everything I did." I did have a much better childhood mom. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to reach out to her. It was like that scene in Captain America Civil War at the beginning when Tony Stark shows the Christmas Scene. He wanted to touch them to relive that moment, to change what happens, but he couldn't. I shut the book and the images stopped. I started to cry. There on the floor of mom's closet I cried. Then I swear it sounds crazy but it really happened. I heard her voice like it was calling to me from the book. I opened to the last pages and an image of her from that week before she had passed appeared. There she sat in her makeup chair looking at her reflection. "I'm getting so old. I am so glad he still loves and wants me. I hate to tell him how I feel right now. I don't want to worry him. OH look." She picked up a picture of my son. He was 2 when she left this world. I worry that he will never remember her. "My sweet little boy someday you will grow to be a great man. I can see it. Your momma certainly grew up to be a great woman." She turned suddenly and it was like she could see me. She was looking me in the eyes and she winked at me. "I'm always with you my beautiful girl. Remember that." Tears streamed down my face as I looked into hers. It was a moment just a quick moment but I could swear I smelled her scent, I saw the gleam in her beautiful blue eyes and I could feel her again. When I turned to the very last page of the book. She was gone. The scene quickly dissipated just as the scenes before had but for some reason I wasn't as sad any more. This journal was her memories, was her words, was her with me again. I can't have her like I did before but I have the journal and I read it to my son sometimes and it's like he can see her too.