Went to bed as Jim, woke up as Liam

Went to bed as Jim, woke up as Liam

Darkness. All around me darkness. My mind is awake yet I can't open my eyes. As I slowly force open my eyes a headache grew within me steadily and painfully with each muscle that moved in my eye. As the light starts to fill my senses I soon find myself in the midst of unfamiliar people. Right in front of me was a woman who looked as though she was in her thirties, yet her worried creased eyes make her look a bit older. For some odd reason I feel a strong attraction to her. Is it wrong that I feel like marrying a woman who's name I don't even know. Despite her worried look, she looks beautiful, but more than that, I feel a sense of tranquility with her. It’s as if I had spent my whole life with her, something about her makes me stop from running out of this place. On my right, next to the lady of tranquility, are two people, a man and a woman. They seem to be in their fifties, the woman is holding my hand and stroking me as if she’s trying to console me, although I think it’s more for her. She has a few grey hairs in the sea of noir black that raged from her scalp to neck. She, like the lady of tranquility, too remains dead silent. And while most may find it odd and worrying to find an unknown older woman stroking your hand, a familiar feeling rushed over me. That feeling that made me want to stay and see where this goes, that feeling of peace, that feeling that there's more to this than just déjà vu. 

As I stare at the old woman I felt the man’s gaze burning into me. Blame it on natural instincts or curiosity, but something in me just had to meet his gaze back. He stood tall, probably taller than me but I wouldn't know, I don't remember much about me or anything for that matter of fact. But as troubled as I am, something in me told me to stay strong and not show it. An intense wave of fear crashed over me as I looked at the man and made sure he didn't know how confused and scared I was. And so I stare, I keep staring in the hopes that soon enough one of them will find this as weird as I do and break the silence, but that never came. I was growing impatient, glancing at the phone and back to the lady of tranquility, questioning every minute I spent here, questioning whether I should gamble with staying or leave and call the cops. I decided to stay, I'm not sure why, but I didn't feel like I was in any danger. This may have been the wrong decision, but it's one I'll have to live with, so with my decision made, I break the silence. 

“Hi, I'm Liam… Liam Marinos. What are your names?” 

Soon their silence was broken with quiet crying. The older woman left my hand and wouldn't … couldn't even look at me. Even though I had only known her for a few minutes, it still hurt to know that I was probably the reason behind her pain. And with that the silence was broken again. 

“Hey,” the woman of tranquility says as she quickly puts on a fake smile, “my name's Aurora. She's Leah and he's Cameron. We're…” she pauses, the fake smile faltering a bit, “we're your family.” She says now with her eyes glistening due to the light reflecting off of the tears in her eyes as they reach the brink of dropping. 

Family. Did I even have a family? Even if I did, it's not like I can remember anything. If they are telling the truth that must mean that the old man and woman are my parents, which would mean… 

“Are you my sister?” I ask the lady of tranquility as my head jolted as though it was a biologically instinct. 

“God no” she says as she laughs, this time genuine, with her eyes smiling too. 

Relief. I don't know why but, her disgusted answer seem to put me at ease. But no matter her relation to me, I felt bad. Bad for making it seem like I was going to stay forever. I love how they all make me feel at peace but, I don't even know who they really are. Finally after some time of just staring, I broke the painful silence once again. 

“I- I thank you all for letting me stay at your house. I’m not sure what happened to me before I woke up here but, and I really am grateful, … I must leave.” 

The old woman now left the room, as if I was her son who had just told her that I hated her. The old man went after her but gave me one last intense glance, the type of glace only a person who’s being consumed from the inside would have. Should I be feeling so sad, it’s not like they are my family, I wonder what my real family is like. A shadowy figure plaguing my peripheral vision makes me zone back into the situation. I found myself alone with the lady of tranquility. Every minute spent staring raised my anxiety levels. Huh, kind of ironic how the lady of tranquility could cause so much anxiety. And so we stare and stare, until the staring go too much for her. With her eyes piercing into the floor she was about to speak but paused, it was as if she forgot how to speak English altogether. You could hear it in the way she um’ed and uh’ed as she frantically tried to form a sentence with meaning. I couldn’t take it anymore, I knew staying would make her happy, but it just wasn’t right, I had to leave, right now. 

“I don’t mean to be rude but I must leave soon. Would you mind if I used a computer of yours to book my ticket?” 

“I- yeah sure,” she says in a defeated voice “my-uh-my computer is um upstairs. Hey, would-would you mind doing me a favor?” She asks me as she tiredly sits down beside me. 

Naturally I replied “Of course, anything after you and your family were kind enough to let me stay at your house.” 

“Yes!” she screams as she shakes me happily “I mean… thank-thank you,” her arms let go, and oddly enough I want them to hold me again, “It’s a simple favor, nothing extreme. It would be really nice if you would help me organize the attic. Not the whole attic, but um, just a few clothes.” 

Help organize the attic, huh, out of all the requests she could have asked, she asked me to help clean. It couldn’t hurt to help organize before I leave. 

“Why not, it’s the least I can do for you after all you’ve done for me.” 

“Great, I’ll show you the way.” she says to me in the happiest voice I’ve heard all day. 

Before she could even get up, I suddenly found myself getting up from the couch and walking to the main room where the old man and woman sat trying to console themselves. From there I made my way up the stairs and taking all the right turns to a grimly painted room. I don’t know why, but in that room I knew exactly where some money was stored. There’s a five dollar bill under the pillow, a twenty underneath the dresser, about two one hundreds in the medicine cabinet and much more. Most people would take money if they knew where it was, but I felt confused as I just stared at the room. I felt like taking it, but something told me I wouldn’t need it. 

“Hey Ji-Liam, Liam, the attic’s actually outside of this room.” The lady of tranquility says to me in a soft voice from outside the room. 

“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude, I just found myself here. It just feels like something of mine is here, but that’s probably just because I’m confused.” 

“That’s okay, happens to the best of us. So… you ready to help a stranger clean out their attic?” She says as if she was trying to be friends. 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” 

I pulled down on the string, the entrance looks more daunting than I thought it would. I feel as if I’d get stuck, but if the tall old man downstairs could possibly fit in here, why couldn’t I. And suddenly I find myself where I started, in the darkness. Then, all of a sudden, all the lights gleamed at the same moment. I was blinded for a second, but a minute after I start to take in its beauty. 

“I’m going to leave for a bit and be back, just start hanging stuff on the racks.” 

“You’re going to leave me here?” 

“You’ll be fine Ji-Liam. You’ll be fine. I’ll be back before you know it.” She tells me with a tone that sounds like she was on top of the world then got pushed off. 

I could hear the sound of her footsteps as she made her way down. It sounds like she couldn’t get away fast enough. I start to hang random coats on the rack when I suddenly find a long dirty old coat. Most people would quickly try to put it away to keep their hands clean. But something about this coat makes me want to hold it for as long as I can. I start to examine it, as if I was a child seeing something for the first time. I check the pockets and felt a few bumps within it. As I reached for the pocket, I heard voices from below. 

“Why is my baby acting like this? Is he doing this on purpose? Did we do something wrong?” The old woman says with fear lodging her throat from enunciating all her words. 

“No Leah, it’s just that he… he has dissociative personality disorder fugue.” The lady of tranquility says in an attempt to make the old woman calm. 

“My baby has an illness! Cameron call 911 quick!” 

“Leah, Leah, calling the hospital won’t do anything. I tried telling you earlier over the phone on your drive up here but the connection got lost. I thought it would be fine, that it wouldn’t strike again so fast but, here we are now.” 

“Aurora, what exactly is happening to Jim?” 

Jim? Is that supposed to be me, am I really Jim and not Liam? Do I have a disorder? I’m more perplexed than I ever was. I listen in on their conversation more as I stare at the old nickel I just pulled out of the pocket. 

“What’s happening is that, whenever someone has really stressful stuff happening to them on a daily basis and they can’t get away from it, their brain intentionally forgets who they are and dissociates. The person usually won’t remember who they are, their friends and family, and may feel the need to travel to a place where they can start a new. This first happened a few months ago…” 

A few months! It’s happened before, that’s why the lady of tranquility was so calm compared to the rest of them. Was I really related to them, could they really be my family? A metal feeling on my fingers takes me out my trance from their conversation. I stare at it like it was the last thing I had with me. And out of nowhere an image flashes before my eyes, demanding to be seen, demanding to be acknowledged. In the image I see myself sitting on the side of the road holding this exact nickel, and then another image. I see the lady of tranquility, no, I see Aurora sitting next to me. Soon audio follows, I hear me pleading her to leave me and live her life. Sh refuses and grabs my hand tighter. Another flash. I’m hugging Aurora. She helped me get a job. Flash, flash, flash, flash! Image after image, memory after memory, images play in my head like a movie, this movie inside my head, being aired on my eyes, screaming and begging me to remember who I really am. It soon all slows down, with a final image playing. I’m on T.V. being interviewed, from backstage my parents and Aurora stand watching me with pride in their eyes. As I make eye contact with my parents they blow kisses and smile, and as I make contact with Aurora, she mouths “I love you Jim.” 

I stand there breathless, the sound of the nickel dropping me bringing me back to my senses. My eyes dart around the room trying to find out how I ended up here. The only thing I remember is going to sleep, and now, now I’m in my attic holding the nickel from when I was at the lowest point of my life. It happened again, I’m sure of it. My parents, they must be terrified. I run out of the attic and practically slid down the stairs and hugged my parents the hardest I’ve ever. A few solid minutes later I turn my head to the woman who’s never left. I looked at her and smiled, I hugged her and start to cry. She cries too. 

“Glad to see you missed me as much as I missed you Liam.” 

“Oh shut up. You know you like Jim better.” 

“Yeah you’re right. Liam could never compare to you.”