Dearest Diary

July 28,1981

Dear Diary,

I read once in a book that's how to start writing in a book like this, by saying Dear Diary. I've watched my mom write in a Diary since the first day I can remember. Every morning she sits outside on the front porch and I watch her write without ever looking up until she is completely done. I remember one day I asked her what she was writing every single day in that book..She smiled and told me it was her journal or as some would call it, her diary. I didn't understand why in the world someone would want to write every single day if they didn't have to. She told me that when she needed a trusted friend to share all her secrets with, it was her journal she would turn to. She said it helped her to clear her mind of all the thoughts that sometimes ran wild. Today, mom handed me a perfectly wrapped present and she said since I was entering junior high school soon, she thought it was the perfect time for a gift. That gift was you; my dearest diary.

August 12,1981

Dear Diary,

Not sure I'm good at this whole writing thing but If my mom says there's something to it, then I'll stick with it a while longer. Anyway, summer is almost over and I will be starting junior high. I am beyond nervous. I've heard from some of my friends with older siblings that it can be scary. On the other hand, I am excited. I finally get to try out for some sports and be a part of a team. I get a little lonely sometimes since I don't have any siblings. I've tried dropping hints to mom and dad that I wouldn't mind a little brother or sister but they both just laugh a little and change the subject. Mom, dad and I used to go out a lot more and do lots of fun things but then dad got longer work hours and so now it's just mom and I most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if mom gets lonely because my dad is gone so much.  I imagine that if I miss him alot she misses him even more. Anyway, it's getting late so I should get ready for bed. Later my dear diary.

September 8,1981

Dear Diary,

I officially have my 1st day of junior high under my belt. I must say it was a bit overwhelming but I think I'll be just fine once I get used to everything. It's a big difference from elementary school.I didn't even recognize some of my friends from elementary school, they looked so much older than just a few months ago and there were so many new faces too. Most of my teachers were pretty nice but I got lost a few times trying to find the right classrooms. I couldn't wait to get home and share my day with mom. I knew she would have homemade cookies and milk waiting for me and we could catch up on everything. It was one of my favorite things we did together. Just sit on the porch and talk; and on warm summer nights mom would even crank up her favorite Madonna album and we would dance until we dropped. My mom had a way of making everything and everyone feel better no matter how bad it really was. I loved talking to her and just being around her. I remember the laughter of her and my dad sitting on the porch at night watching the stars together while I chased fireflies in the front yard. Their laughter was one of the most soothing sounds to me. I really miss hearing that, the harmony of their perfectly blended voices in complete sync with each other. I really miss that sound my dearest diary.

July 21,1984

Dear Diary,

Long time no writing, a little bad humor to break the ice. I know I've left you alone under my bed to collect dust. I don't know if any reason is good enough but a lot has changed. I am now in high school or at least I will be in a few weeks. I'll be entering the ninth grade. I still can't believe it myself. Junior high was good to me, I grew up alot during that time. I lost some old friends, gained some new ones and I even made the track team. The last year of Junior high, mom began journaling a lot more than usual. When I left for school she was writing, when I came home from school she was writing, before bed I would  even see her journaling. As for my dad, we saw him less and less. I started getting used to not seeing him before school and he was never home to say goodnight to me . I could see the sadness in my moms eyes when I would ask if dad was coming home in time for dinner each night so I finally stopped asking her. Anyway, I knew something was going on when mom called me out for dinner last night. Dad was already at the table, it was strange seeing him there.To make a long story short, dad explained he and mom were getting a divorce. They said a lot in between that but all I heard was the word divorce. I remember looking across the table at my mom and watching tears drop from her eyes. That's what brought me back to you my dearest diary.

September 19, 1984

Dear Diary,

My life is mimicking that of a bad movie script right now. I'm on top of the world when I'm at school but I've begun to dread that afternoon bus ride home. The nights are all so predictable now. Mom doesn't really cook anymore so I do, but even then she barely touches a thing on her plate. Dad hasn't been back to the house since the night I was told about the divorce.I call him every night before I go to bed but he rarely answers the phone and when he does It feels like talking to a stranger. I want him to ask me how mom is but he never does. I just don't get how two people that used to love each other so much can now act as if they never were together. I know mom misses him because she doesn't smile anymore, she doesn't laugh, as a matter of fact the only thing she seems to still do is journal. I watch her furiously write every single night. I wonder what she is writing about? I wonder what story she has to tell or what secrets she has to protect? I wonder if she writes in her journal how much she loves me because she forgets to tell me the way she used to. I need to know what's in that book my dearest diary.

January 15,1985

Dear Diary,

It's a new year, not much has changed at home. Mom is still becoming more and more distant. We barely talk anymore. It seems like she enjoys her journal more than me or more than anyone for that matter. It used to really bother me but not so much anymore. Between school and my extra curricular activities I barely have time for my boyfriend. Yes, I have my very 1st boyfriend. He makes me feel less alone. I still have a few friends too but they don't get me like he does. I want to introduce him to my mom but I figure there is no point because she doesn't seem to have much to say anymore. I can't think of the last time she even had a real conversation with me. You know, I almost got really pissed at you diary. Not because you did anything wrong but because I only started writing in you because I saw it meant so much to my mom to write in hers. But now she has abandoned me and everyone and everything in her life except that stupid journal she writes in every singe day! I almost snuck her journal away from her while she slept one night but I began to feel guilty for even thinking that way so I never went through with it. Maybe I should just take a break for a while. Maybe this is a goodbye diary.

August 19, 1989

Dear Diary,

Yea, it's me again. I don't know why I brought you to college with me. I guess in some ways you have been there for me and I felt like I was going to need you. Luckily, my boyfriend helped mom move me into college. After dad didn't bother showing for my graduation I decided enough was enough and I wouldn't keep chasing someone who walked out on me, on us. Mom started to come around a little more once my junior year of high school hit. I guess she had mourned the loss of her marriage enough.We actually began sharing in some good moments again together. It felt good to have my mom back. She had even stopped writing in that journal so much for a change. Anyway, good to have you back my dearest diary.

November 18, 1992

Dear Diary,

I received a gift in the mail a few months ago on my 21st birthday. It was my mom's beloved journal. Attached to the front was a handwritten note : 

“My dearest daughter,

You have always been the greatest part of me. I have always wanted nothing but the best for you in all things that you do. You have made me proud beyond belief, from the sound of your first cry to watching you graduate high school and move on to college. I know things changed in your life when your father and I got divorced. I want you to know I am deeply sorry for the pain and suffering it caused you. There was a period during that time I wasn't my best and for that I will forever be indebted to you. I've taught you that honesty and truth is the key to happiness. For that reason I think it's time I share with you the truth. The man that you always knew to be your father is not, he never was. The second year of marriage I began having an affair and I got pregnant. I knew how badly your father wanted a child and this would crush him if he knew I was cheating and possibly carrying a child that was not his. I knew there was a chance either man could be the father so I ended the affair and decided to just let that whole thing be water under the bridge. Everything was fine until around  your 10th birthday. Your dad invited an old friend that he recently bumped into, to your party. This friend had a daughter a few months older than you so your dad figured it was a good idea to invite them. Needless to say the shock on my face when this man and his daughter showed up and I recognized him as well as the shocking resemblance between you and his daughter was shocking to say the least. It was obvious to us all and I came clean about everything. We used your toothbrush and had a DNA test ran. Your dad and I tried to work it out but he just couldn't handle it anymore. Ayway, I thought giving you my journal would answer the millions of questions I know you must have. Everything about my affair, who the other man is and so many other things are there. I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you and I am sorry.

Mom”

November 18, 1995

Dear Diary,

I haven't spoken to my mom in 3 years. I'm not sure of who I am anymore. So my dearest diary, thanks for nothing.